Searching for Bobby Fischer has been an enjoyable movie so far. I'm getting a kick out of the many glances between Josh and the cocky little collared shirt kid. I do have trouble believing that CLCS kid has been playing chess constantly since age 4. How would you even know if a kid is good at chess at age 4? I guess if the kid was actually playing then it might be a good sign. But if you've got a kid who can play chess well at that age, wouldn't that mean you've got a kid who is probably going to be really smart at other things too? Why go all in for chess?
Anyway, I was pretty disappointed with the dad when Josh was asking him what would happen if he lost. How is, "It's not going to happen, don't worry about it?" a good answer? That's just saying that a loss is incomprehensible and possibly incomprehensibly bad. Would it have been so hard to say something like, "Well, then we'll go home, have dinner, you'll go to school on Monday, practice some more, and then get 'em again at the next one."
This is also kind of something I've talked about with Katie. Should a kid be doing lots of things or focusing on just one thing? I never had a thing growing up, but Katie was really into riding - competitions, every day at the barn, every summer at the barn, that sort of thing. I guess I think that if that's what the kid wants to do, then sure, do the one thing and be good at it. But then there is that line of when do I push the kid to be really good? Josh obviously likes chess, but does he want to be really good? The dad sees that potential and is ready to push, but the mom does not want to push. Who is right? Suppose kid does turn out really, really good, but isn't happy or well-adjusted? Was it worth it? What if kid turns out happy anyway? What if he doesn't actually turn out really good? What if he turns out unhappy even without being pushed? Is not pushing just a concession, a deprivation of the chance to even be really good? Is it that important to be really good? What is good enough? I hope I have a kid that's just above-average and don't have to worry about this. But then am I limiting my kid already by not wanting him/her to have some sort of outstanding attribute? Ahh! I don't know!
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Last Blog Post
Looking back on this semester, I feel confident saying that this class has been the most influential and impacting part of my past three months. I have seen Searching for Bobby Fischer before, however this time, the meaning was so much more critical and applicable to life. All of the readings we have done, and all of the discussions we have had have been very effective and meeaningful. At the beginning of the semester Professor Newman said, among many of the other intended reasons for the course, that she essentially wanted to raise our awareness of the roller coaster ride of relationships and parenting, “before it is too late.” I think that over the course of the semester, especially with my recent creating of my parenting utopia, that the class did exactly that. You might assign a negative connotation to “before it’s too late,” but that is not the case this time, at all. I was very ignorant to the society in which I had been a resident all my life. I have a greater understanding of what my parents have gone through, with respect to marriage and raising me. I can reflect on and think about what other people’s parents have gone through, and what I want and do not want to go through. I feel like I have now established enough of a pool of knowledge to avoid these pitfalls and heartbreaks, and to know that sometimes things are unavoidable, but can always be looked at as something to enhance life, rather than destroy it. I also am relieved to know that there is always a way to vent about these ensuing problems, via creative writing and blogging. I look forward to watching the rest of the movie tomorrow and continuing my interpretation and view of it with the important scope and mindset that I have gathered this semester throughout this course. I also want to let everyone know that I appreciate and have benefited from their honesty and I thank you for letting me be so honest throughout the semester. CMU needs more classes like this one!
Movie Themes
At the heart of the movie, Searching For Bobby Fischer, is a father’s drive to help his son cultivate a natural talent at chess. This movie explores what a woman predicted from Perfect Madness: mothers push their children because they fear that they are not able to do or give their children the best. It is interesting that this idea was initially in the form of a mother’s reaction towards her children, but in the movie the narrative follows the path of a father. I think this kind of hits on a second theme that the class has toyed with; gender roles.
The father is the breadwinner of the household, the mother seeming to play every bit the housewife. We see her cleaning, preparing dinner, transporting children to and from school etc. while the husband works as a sports writer/commentator. What’s interesting is that the movie doesn’t play up the gender specific roles; instead it focuses on the emotional roles of mother and father. In part I think we have not read about this because it is more of a spectacle than anything else. A writer would also not be able to carry his/her own agency if he/she were to imagine or infer what his/her spouse was feeling. The emotional characteristics of the mother seem to fall on the stereotypical nurturing persona of motherhood. Thus the mother is seen as an intermediary between her husband and child. In one particular scene the mother breaks her shell of normal complacency she when she tells her husband that the child will not stop playing chess with the bums in the park. The father’s emotional characteristics involve his father/son bond. In the sports field we see the father root for his son’s success in baseball. In one particular scene the father/son bond is really clear when the father helps his son fix a baseball glove. The emotional background of the father isn’t necessarily typical of the father, but perhaps the stereotype stems more from the image of a father throwing a baseball with his son.
As an audience member we see the frustration of the son in his transformation from chess being just a game to something more of a competition and pressure to be the best. I actually can really identify with this boy’s emotional conflict. When you are good there is a pressure to stay on top. However, there is always a fear of losing and what the consequences are for that failure; what does that mean not only to oneself, but also to those who support you? In a way I’m glad that the boy threw the game in the end, if not to prove his unhappiness as a way to show his father that there is more to life. However, I also think that the boy will always have a fear of success. Does this mean that every time he does well he gives up? This is just something to think about.
Lastly, I would just briefly like to mention that the sibling relationship and how that is stereotypical, but at the same time diverges from that stereotype. The initial stereotype is that the boy plays baseball, while the girl plays house. The mother virtually shows the girl how to be a mother by taking her shopping for groceries, while the son is left to play chess or baseball. In part this is because the girl is young. The stereotype divergence occurs a little bit when the brother takes the time to play with his sister and also her communicative skills via words and hugs/kisses towards him. It is not often, at least in my experience, that children want to be with the one other. But then again, this might turn out to be a stereotypical big brother protection.
The father is the breadwinner of the household, the mother seeming to play every bit the housewife. We see her cleaning, preparing dinner, transporting children to and from school etc. while the husband works as a sports writer/commentator. What’s interesting is that the movie doesn’t play up the gender specific roles; instead it focuses on the emotional roles of mother and father. In part I think we have not read about this because it is more of a spectacle than anything else. A writer would also not be able to carry his/her own agency if he/she were to imagine or infer what his/her spouse was feeling. The emotional characteristics of the mother seem to fall on the stereotypical nurturing persona of motherhood. Thus the mother is seen as an intermediary between her husband and child. In one particular scene the mother breaks her shell of normal complacency she when she tells her husband that the child will not stop playing chess with the bums in the park. The father’s emotional characteristics involve his father/son bond. In the sports field we see the father root for his son’s success in baseball. In one particular scene the father/son bond is really clear when the father helps his son fix a baseball glove. The emotional background of the father isn’t necessarily typical of the father, but perhaps the stereotype stems more from the image of a father throwing a baseball with his son.
As an audience member we see the frustration of the son in his transformation from chess being just a game to something more of a competition and pressure to be the best. I actually can really identify with this boy’s emotional conflict. When you are good there is a pressure to stay on top. However, there is always a fear of losing and what the consequences are for that failure; what does that mean not only to oneself, but also to those who support you? In a way I’m glad that the boy threw the game in the end, if not to prove his unhappiness as a way to show his father that there is more to life. However, I also think that the boy will always have a fear of success. Does this mean that every time he does well he gives up? This is just something to think about.
Lastly, I would just briefly like to mention that the sibling relationship and how that is stereotypical, but at the same time diverges from that stereotype. The initial stereotype is that the boy plays baseball, while the girl plays house. The mother virtually shows the girl how to be a mother by taking her shopping for groceries, while the son is left to play chess or baseball. In part this is because the girl is young. The stereotype divergence occurs a little bit when the brother takes the time to play with his sister and also her communicative skills via words and hugs/kisses towards him. It is not often, at least in my experience, that children want to be with the one other. But then again, this might turn out to be a stereotypical big brother protection.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Gender Roles
My fiancee, Katie, and I flew to my home for Thanksgiving break. This was the first opportunity we've had for her to meet some of my high school friends and extended family. It was also our first run in with gender roles, and I felt like I was in E.S. Maduro's essay from The Bitch in the House.
In that essay, the author thinks she's met this wonderful guy who is all about dividing up domestic work equally and doesn't expect her to spend her time on "woman's work." But then they go to visit his family over a holiday, and what happens? He turns into the stereotypical man. His mother does all of the cleaning and food making, and he doesn't even offer to help! And then she finds that she's invited to help clean up and make food, and anyway, she feels like she ought to be helping out anyway. Or at least, I think this is what happened in the essay. It's a little confusing because it's almost exactly what happened when we went home.
My mom (and my dad, actually) made all of the meals (including Thanksgiving dinner) and I never offered to help. I set the table once. They did most of the cleanup too. I emptied the dishwasher occasionally, and always cleaned up my own dishes (most of the time), but I wasn't making an effort to clean up after everyone. And I don't really know how to feel about this. My parents didn't expect me to do more than I did, and it certainly didn't annoy them that they were doing most of the work. I know how much I need to do to keep them happy, and it's not a lot. And the amount I do now, and that I do without whining, probably makes it seem like I've come a long way.
But there were other times when I cleaned up when I didn't want to, when I felt like I got suckered into it. These were the times when Katie offered to do the dishes, and I couldn't just abandon her. So the two of us ended up doing more than we needed to, and Katie felt like she didn't do enough.
And then there was the one time I did abandon her to play basketball with my friends. I left after dinner while several relatives were still there. My parents had no problem with that, as I had planned the basketball first, but Katie was displeased. Never, in her family, do you leave a gathering of relatives to hang out with your friends. This seems misguided to me. Relatives will always be relatives, but friends can fall out of touch and cease being friends.
Anyway, when I returned two and a half hours later, Katie was washing the dishes and was obviously pissed (which is awkward with parents around because we have to suppress this tension). How come I got to go out and have fun, and she got stuck doing dishes? She said she still had a lot of fun with my relatives after I left, but still, I left! She got stuck with the woman's work!
There was another incident where I went upstairs to do some work on my computer and my mom asked Katie if she wanted to help make a pie. Katie said sure, because she's unfailingly polite, and helped. We both know that something like this is also an opportunity for my mom to spend time with her, which is of course nice, but still - I was allowed to go off and do my own important work, and she got stuck in the kitchen.
There were more examples as well, one of the larger ones being that Katie kept feeling like she was doing stuff wrong, so that my mom kept subtly (and nicely) correcting her. I think the worst part is that we don't know how to fix this. We decided it would get better in time as she gets more comfortable in my house. But one of the biggest problems is that Katie likes cooking, doesn't mind doing dishes, etc. Yet when she's doing this because she feels like she's supposed to (because she's the girl), it makes her miserable.
Other than that, and that it took 11 hours to get home from Philadelphia (which means I'm posting this today, instead of as last week's entry, which it is), Thanksgiving was fun.
In that essay, the author thinks she's met this wonderful guy who is all about dividing up domestic work equally and doesn't expect her to spend her time on "woman's work." But then they go to visit his family over a holiday, and what happens? He turns into the stereotypical man. His mother does all of the cleaning and food making, and he doesn't even offer to help! And then she finds that she's invited to help clean up and make food, and anyway, she feels like she ought to be helping out anyway. Or at least, I think this is what happened in the essay. It's a little confusing because it's almost exactly what happened when we went home.
My mom (and my dad, actually) made all of the meals (including Thanksgiving dinner) and I never offered to help. I set the table once. They did most of the cleanup too. I emptied the dishwasher occasionally, and always cleaned up my own dishes (most of the time), but I wasn't making an effort to clean up after everyone. And I don't really know how to feel about this. My parents didn't expect me to do more than I did, and it certainly didn't annoy them that they were doing most of the work. I know how much I need to do to keep them happy, and it's not a lot. And the amount I do now, and that I do without whining, probably makes it seem like I've come a long way.
But there were other times when I cleaned up when I didn't want to, when I felt like I got suckered into it. These were the times when Katie offered to do the dishes, and I couldn't just abandon her. So the two of us ended up doing more than we needed to, and Katie felt like she didn't do enough.
And then there was the one time I did abandon her to play basketball with my friends. I left after dinner while several relatives were still there. My parents had no problem with that, as I had planned the basketball first, but Katie was displeased. Never, in her family, do you leave a gathering of relatives to hang out with your friends. This seems misguided to me. Relatives will always be relatives, but friends can fall out of touch and cease being friends.
Anyway, when I returned two and a half hours later, Katie was washing the dishes and was obviously pissed (which is awkward with parents around because we have to suppress this tension). How come I got to go out and have fun, and she got stuck doing dishes? She said she still had a lot of fun with my relatives after I left, but still, I left! She got stuck with the woman's work!
There was another incident where I went upstairs to do some work on my computer and my mom asked Katie if she wanted to help make a pie. Katie said sure, because she's unfailingly polite, and helped. We both know that something like this is also an opportunity for my mom to spend time with her, which is of course nice, but still - I was allowed to go off and do my own important work, and she got stuck in the kitchen.
There were more examples as well, one of the larger ones being that Katie kept feeling like she was doing stuff wrong, so that my mom kept subtly (and nicely) correcting her. I think the worst part is that we don't know how to fix this. We decided it would get better in time as she gets more comfortable in my house. But one of the biggest problems is that Katie likes cooking, doesn't mind doing dishes, etc. Yet when she's doing this because she feels like she's supposed to (because she's the girl), it makes her miserable.
Other than that, and that it took 11 hours to get home from Philadelphia (which means I'm posting this today, instead of as last week's entry, which it is), Thanksgiving was fun.
Takes a Village
As I continue to explore the blogging world for my final paper the phrase it takes a village to raise a child is constantly coming up in my mind. This community is so devoted to each other and they continue to help each other out, with prayers, encouraging thoughts and monetary donations. It truly seems like this group of people have found each other in a desperate need for more parenting support. Where their needs are not met in the real world they turn to the virtual and instantly have a great deal more people to ask for help or vent at. Seems pretty good.
Except, when you use a village to raise a child you have to trust the villagers. Each and every person that you take advice from or ask to help watch you're kid you have to trust. Especially on the internet this can be tough to do. People are cruel and they judge as much as they help. The blogs I looked at censored negative comments and warned in the blog posts themselves to be nice. There was a need to claim that mean comments were not helpful, but the internet is a big scary anonymous place and people are going to be harsh. This harshness seems to spiral into guilt on the part of the parents and I'm not sold on the fact that that's so helpful.
I think that its pretty incredible how many people are willing to share their entire life with others through books and blogs. With this new place to share comes vulnerability and all parents open themselves up for that in their circle of friends and family, but the writers we've looked at open up to their entire audience of strangers or the entire blogging community. A couple of the author's we've read have given disclaimers in their writing about what they are willing to share (Alternadad doesn't offer drug talk advice for example). Yet there is still so much personal information offered out to the world as Bernstein said in order to reach other people. This puts parents in a vulnerable position and they will most certainly run into cruel villagers.
So the question for me is, is it still worth it to have a big vast village of readers. It seems clear that a close knit village is important, but a virtual anonymous one or a vast book audience one seems dangerous and to hold to little privacy. Does this mean that this genre will die out? It looks like that's not going to happen any time soon.
Except, when you use a village to raise a child you have to trust the villagers. Each and every person that you take advice from or ask to help watch you're kid you have to trust. Especially on the internet this can be tough to do. People are cruel and they judge as much as they help. The blogs I looked at censored negative comments and warned in the blog posts themselves to be nice. There was a need to claim that mean comments were not helpful, but the internet is a big scary anonymous place and people are going to be harsh. This harshness seems to spiral into guilt on the part of the parents and I'm not sold on the fact that that's so helpful.
I think that its pretty incredible how many people are willing to share their entire life with others through books and blogs. With this new place to share comes vulnerability and all parents open themselves up for that in their circle of friends and family, but the writers we've looked at open up to their entire audience of strangers or the entire blogging community. A couple of the author's we've read have given disclaimers in their writing about what they are willing to share (Alternadad doesn't offer drug talk advice for example). Yet there is still so much personal information offered out to the world as Bernstein said in order to reach other people. This puts parents in a vulnerable position and they will most certainly run into cruel villagers.
So the question for me is, is it still worth it to have a big vast village of readers. It seems clear that a close knit village is important, but a virtual anonymous one or a vast book audience one seems dangerous and to hold to little privacy. Does this mean that this genre will die out? It looks like that's not going to happen any time soon.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
all you need is love
As I feel the class coming closer to it’s end, and as I continue to write my paper, I feel a deeper connection with one of the many points raised in class last week. The specific point I am thinking about is the idea of “All you need is love,” with respect to Neal and Regina Pollack’s approach to providing a nurturing, fulfilling, and loving relationship with and childhood for their son Elijah, despite their many problems (drugs, lack of money, in-law problems etc). As I think about my potential parenting utopia, and how I will avoid the many pitfalls like the ones the various authors we have read this semester have faced, I think that above money, providing childcare, and securing a good job, I feel confident that the best strategy to achieving a parenting utopia is the “All you need is love” approach. Despite facing many heartaches and pitfalls in my own life, and witnessing first hand many of the problems that faced the various authors, face my own parent’s marriage, I know that I only turned out as well and as content as I have, because they always embraced the “All you need is love” approach when raising me. I am striving to convey this message throughout my paper and my idea of parenting utopia, because I feel that it is the best way to maintain a parenting utopia. Without love, a family cannot appreciate all of their other perks in their life, such as money, childcare, good jobs, and altogether happiness. It is important to try to correct the bad habits in life such as in Neal’s case, smoking pot. However, even when the bad habits still exist, or even when other hardships ensure in life, it is important to give the gift of love. This will build a solid relationship like the one in Alternadad, make life easier, and parenting utopias will become more and more attainable.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
The Dark Road
I wanted to write about a few things that this course has forced me to re-examine. First of all, I have come to see my own parents as people first and parents second—something that I believe is impossible unless your perception has been altered regarding the nature of parenthood in general. This has helped me better understand that it is as impossible to be a perfect parent as it is to be a perfect child or a perfect person. Perfection is something nice to work toward, but it is not something to literally attempt to become, no matter what it is you are doing. I believe that this is the sole reason parents write so much about anxiety and guilt: because parenthood is seen by society as the most important job humans can do. Somewhere along the way, perfection became the standard for parenting. So when I find myself blaming my parents for not being perfect I wonder once again how many mistakes they made, really.
Secondly, I’ve come to realize how much advertisement and the media seem to obsessively focus around mothers as targets and subjects, leaving the fathers curiously exempt from scrutiny. Just turn on the television during the day and you will see what I mean: an overwhelming barrage of ads show why choosy moms choose Jiff or why mom should buy this laundry detergent over another. You would be hard-pressed to find an ad for dish soap featuring dad’s dishpan hands! It appears that this is one area of culture which has definitely not been altered by the waves of feminism since the 1950s. The women in the Bitch in the House wonder why their husbands/boyfriends seem to be oblivious to housework. The answer could be that there are little to no media images featuring men doing domestic duties. Men are simply not “taught” that housework is something to master and get a handle on. I find this somewhat bizarre in the year 2008, this side of the 21st century.
Finally, it amazes me how much having a child seems to take from a person. Even Neal and Regina Pollack—two folks who definitely fought hard to maintain their individuality in the midst of parenting—came away changed in crucial ways, guilty, self-remonstrative and wondering at their parental credentials. While they did seem in certain ways to very much love being parents to Elijah, they still fell down all the same dark roads the other parents we read about did before them. I think this shows us that, no matter how much we read about parenthood, or how many papers we write on the topic—we will not know how much it will change us until we do it. It appears that no matter your intelligence or education or professional aptitude, parenthood takes tolls that are impossibly heavy. I suppose soon-to-be parents should just suck it up and get ready for a bumpy ride no matter how “ready” they think they may be.
I hope that when I decide to become a dad that it is out of a deep desire to nurture someone else and not to merely bring fulfillment to myself. I have learned that once you have a child your life ceases to be your own. And parenthood is not something you just can stop doing when you get tired of it. Parenthood is forever.
Secondly, I’ve come to realize how much advertisement and the media seem to obsessively focus around mothers as targets and subjects, leaving the fathers curiously exempt from scrutiny. Just turn on the television during the day and you will see what I mean: an overwhelming barrage of ads show why choosy moms choose Jiff or why mom should buy this laundry detergent over another. You would be hard-pressed to find an ad for dish soap featuring dad’s dishpan hands! It appears that this is one area of culture which has definitely not been altered by the waves of feminism since the 1950s. The women in the Bitch in the House wonder why their husbands/boyfriends seem to be oblivious to housework. The answer could be that there are little to no media images featuring men doing domestic duties. Men are simply not “taught” that housework is something to master and get a handle on. I find this somewhat bizarre in the year 2008, this side of the 21st century.
Finally, it amazes me how much having a child seems to take from a person. Even Neal and Regina Pollack—two folks who definitely fought hard to maintain their individuality in the midst of parenting—came away changed in crucial ways, guilty, self-remonstrative and wondering at their parental credentials. While they did seem in certain ways to very much love being parents to Elijah, they still fell down all the same dark roads the other parents we read about did before them. I think this shows us that, no matter how much we read about parenthood, or how many papers we write on the topic—we will not know how much it will change us until we do it. It appears that no matter your intelligence or education or professional aptitude, parenthood takes tolls that are impossibly heavy. I suppose soon-to-be parents should just suck it up and get ready for a bumpy ride no matter how “ready” they think they may be.
I hope that when I decide to become a dad that it is out of a deep desire to nurture someone else and not to merely bring fulfillment to myself. I have learned that once you have a child your life ceases to be your own. And parenthood is not something you just can stop doing when you get tired of it. Parenthood is forever.
Monday, November 24, 2008
An Attitude Change
As my last blog post for the semester, I have decided to focus on a solution that could help all of the mothers we have read about this semester (and hopefully myself some day should I decide to become a mother). While political and cultural changes need to be made in order to improve motherhood in America all together, I think starting with the self; one’s own attitude is the first step.
Regina Pollack is not much different than most of the mothers we have read about. She has the disease known as mother angst. She constantly feels guilt, stress, failure, fatigue, and regret. Regina’s husband takes note of her unhappiness:
“I may have grown confident in fatherhood, but Regina remained in constant conflict with herself. In my opinion, she denied herself happiness, deliberately maneuvering into the regret and self-pity that can often attach itself to mothers as they grow older” (290).
While I cannot provide the universal answer on how to deal with all the negativity surrounding motherhood, in many cases (including Regina’s) I think a simple attitude change is the best start. Although fatigue cannot be avoided with an infant, the other negative feelings commonly surrounding motherhood would improve with a positive attitude.
In particular, the work/home balance is a major problem mothers face. Regina, like many mothers is conflicted between dedication to her work and the duties and responsibilities of being a mother. As a painter she has a flexible work schedule. However, even with work flexibility, Regina appears depressed over the situation.
“Look at me. I wanted to be a world-famous painter by now. And I’m nowhere”
“I’m never going to get there...”
“I just know that I’m going to have to give it all up” (290).
I’m not saying that balancing work and kids is easy (far from it), however; I think Regina should give herself some credit and make more time for her painting. In her case, she has a husband who seems willing to allow her more time for her work. “I wanted to help her recapture the shared thrill and need for adventure that had characterized our life before we’d had a child. But she wouldn’t meet me at that mental place” (290). Neal seems to allude to the fact that there is a mental problem standing in the way, and while I think Neal is an idiot a lot of the times, I agree with him here. An attitude change will not make all the motherhood issues resolve, but it would help. With a husband who is willing to help out, the mental problem is even easier to solve.
Whether a child is mentally retarded, cries non-stop, or simply likes to stick objects up his nose, I believe mothers are extraordinary women and can handle it with the right attitude. Although a multitude of factors play into motherhood and each mother’s experience, I think attitude is everything. A positive outlook (I know, easier said than done) could significantly impact a mother’s experience.
Regina Pollack is not much different than most of the mothers we have read about. She has the disease known as mother angst. She constantly feels guilt, stress, failure, fatigue, and regret. Regina’s husband takes note of her unhappiness:
“I may have grown confident in fatherhood, but Regina remained in constant conflict with herself. In my opinion, she denied herself happiness, deliberately maneuvering into the regret and self-pity that can often attach itself to mothers as they grow older” (290).
While I cannot provide the universal answer on how to deal with all the negativity surrounding motherhood, in many cases (including Regina’s) I think a simple attitude change is the best start. Although fatigue cannot be avoided with an infant, the other negative feelings commonly surrounding motherhood would improve with a positive attitude.
In particular, the work/home balance is a major problem mothers face. Regina, like many mothers is conflicted between dedication to her work and the duties and responsibilities of being a mother. As a painter she has a flexible work schedule. However, even with work flexibility, Regina appears depressed over the situation.
“Look at me. I wanted to be a world-famous painter by now. And I’m nowhere”
“I’m never going to get there...”
“I just know that I’m going to have to give it all up” (290).
I’m not saying that balancing work and kids is easy (far from it), however; I think Regina should give herself some credit and make more time for her painting. In her case, she has a husband who seems willing to allow her more time for her work. “I wanted to help her recapture the shared thrill and need for adventure that had characterized our life before we’d had a child. But she wouldn’t meet me at that mental place” (290). Neal seems to allude to the fact that there is a mental problem standing in the way, and while I think Neal is an idiot a lot of the times, I agree with him here. An attitude change will not make all the motherhood issues resolve, but it would help. With a husband who is willing to help out, the mental problem is even easier to solve.
Whether a child is mentally retarded, cries non-stop, or simply likes to stick objects up his nose, I believe mothers are extraordinary women and can handle it with the right attitude. Although a multitude of factors play into motherhood and each mother’s experience, I think attitude is everything. A positive outlook (I know, easier said than done) could significantly impact a mother’s experience.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Assorted Thoughts
Here are some final thoughts about Alternadad that I wanted to get out before the week ends:
First, I was thinking back to very early in the novel, where Pollack is talking about the alternative families he knows, and he mentions a father and son who remain best friends despite the son being well into adulthood. (Sorry, I don’t have the book with me for an exact quotation.) But Pollack seemed impressed with this relationship, almost as if it occurred to him that hey, wouldn’t it be cool if my kid was friends with me in his thirties. This view turned me against him for awhile. I think that parents should be parents, not friends. I’m not saying that parents and children shouldn’t enjoy their time together, and spend time together, but I don’t think either should be the dominant social figures for the other.
Second, a note about being cool: I think it is commonly accepted that the cooler you try to be, the less cool you end up being. Pollack should take note, because his efforts sometimes seem a little desperate.
Third, I rocked out to classical music when I was little. So I’m afraid I can’t offer any congratulations to Pollack for teaching Elijah to like the kind of music that Pollack thinks of as objectively good. Little kids like to be crazy, and if you give them the chance, they will be. So its not taste, its being a kid. I’m not sure Pollack has accomplished anything that any other father has.
Fourth, I liked the last part of Alternadad much more than the first. For all my negativism, I don’t dislike Pollack any more than I disliked the other parents. He was often a pretty cute dad.
Ideas I had for subjects within the parenting genre:
Get a 6 year old to keep a journal. (How? I don’t know.) Have the narrative riff of this structure from the parent’s point of view. This would probably work best if they were living an already unusual lifestyle.
“How to Parent from Prison”
Being a parent during a war, in a refugee camp, or any event occasion where there is a great deal of external conflict. I wonder if in these cases the external conflict always outweighs the demands of parenting. If it doesn’t, this could be an interesting story. Hopefully there would also be humor. I’m envisioning a scene where a bomb explodes a block away, but the kid is more concerned with sticking grenade fragments up his nose.
I think a version of Perfect Madness where the anecdotes are drawn out for longer would be interesting. Maybe this would be a collection of mini-essays, like a combination of Perfect Madness and The Bitch in the House.
First, I was thinking back to very early in the novel, where Pollack is talking about the alternative families he knows, and he mentions a father and son who remain best friends despite the son being well into adulthood. (Sorry, I don’t have the book with me for an exact quotation.) But Pollack seemed impressed with this relationship, almost as if it occurred to him that hey, wouldn’t it be cool if my kid was friends with me in his thirties. This view turned me against him for awhile. I think that parents should be parents, not friends. I’m not saying that parents and children shouldn’t enjoy their time together, and spend time together, but I don’t think either should be the dominant social figures for the other.
Second, a note about being cool: I think it is commonly accepted that the cooler you try to be, the less cool you end up being. Pollack should take note, because his efforts sometimes seem a little desperate.
Third, I rocked out to classical music when I was little. So I’m afraid I can’t offer any congratulations to Pollack for teaching Elijah to like the kind of music that Pollack thinks of as objectively good. Little kids like to be crazy, and if you give them the chance, they will be. So its not taste, its being a kid. I’m not sure Pollack has accomplished anything that any other father has.
Fourth, I liked the last part of Alternadad much more than the first. For all my negativism, I don’t dislike Pollack any more than I disliked the other parents. He was often a pretty cute dad.
Ideas I had for subjects within the parenting genre:
Get a 6 year old to keep a journal. (How? I don’t know.) Have the narrative riff of this structure from the parent’s point of view. This would probably work best if they were living an already unusual lifestyle.
“How to Parent from Prison”
Being a parent during a war, in a refugee camp, or any event occasion where there is a great deal of external conflict. I wonder if in these cases the external conflict always outweighs the demands of parenting. If it doesn’t, this could be an interesting story. Hopefully there would also be humor. I’m envisioning a scene where a bomb explodes a block away, but the kid is more concerned with sticking grenade fragments up his nose.
I think a version of Perfect Madness where the anecdotes are drawn out for longer would be interesting. Maybe this would be a collection of mini-essays, like a combination of Perfect Madness and The Bitch in the House.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Not so Alternadad
Overall Alternadad provided me with an interesting perspective on parenthood. As much as I don’t like the lifestyle that Pollack leads, I realize that he has the best interest at heart for his family. I really like the chapter “ The Posterboard Jungle.” I think that Pollack really picked up on a theme that we have discussed earlier in class, ‘bad parenting.’ It is not unusual for parents to feel overwhelmed, especially with a child like Elijah and his seemingly never ending bite marks. I found it interesting that Pollack published an article and didn’t think that somehow it would get back to him. The fact that the responses were over a blog, makes things that much harder. Blogs are fairly easy to write, especially anonymously, and they take less time to send then regular mail. I understand that Elijah’s biting got out of hand and couldn’t help but feel that I wanted to interject and just tell them to discipline him or something. But then I realize that in part, my reaction is in observation of information that Pollack may have found out later. Furthermore I also understand that the biting only seemed to happen at school and perhaps it was not properly dealt with. Some of the ‘bad’ behavior that Elijah exhibits like sticking things up his nose is funny, but it also screams want of attention. At times I almost felt that Regina and Pollack needed to have another kid. There was one part where Elijah was playing with an imaginary pickle. I see that this kid has an imagination, but I also get the feeling that at times the parents don’t want to be parents. This sentiment has been expressed in other things we have read as well. It’s odd that when other people alluded to this I attributed to ‘the hardships of parenting,’ but when Pollack said this I had mixed emotions. In the first place Elijah is home all day with his parents and they obviously need some sort of break, but then again they chose the lifestyle. I’m glad that the family is moving, the neighborhood they were in sounded horrible. What I don’t understand however is why they would be moving to L.A. if they don’t have very much money. Is L.A. not more expensive than Austin? Lastly I would like to know what drove the consensus to L.A. It seems like both of them just said “let’s move to L.A.” After finishing the entire book I realized how much of a dad Pollack has become by the end. His world, although still involved with pot, seems to dwell more on family first which I think is a great character trait. The one question that I’m surprised Pollack didn’t blatantly answer was ‘did he achieve coolness as a dad?” On one hand through his obvious interaction with Elijah he has, but at the same time I expected more of an individual answer. I guess what I’m saying is that Pollack’s parent raising abilities are generic, however the methods may not be. Pollack, by the end has come a long way from being an Alternadad.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Response
Some of the most shocking things I had read from Alternadad came from the responses that he receives upon explaining the problems of his child's biting problems to the world of the internet. I have trouble believing that people would ever say the types of things that he quotes and I absolutly can't imagine anyone saying these things to either Neal or Regina's face. There is something about the anominity of the internet that allows for enough distance to make it ok to completely rip out the heart and sould of other people and stomp on it. It also seems pretty terrifying that this anaomous croud of dissapointment is still close enough to home to find Regina's email address. This world seems ten times scarier than the bad neighborhood right outside their front door and Regina is obviously affected by all of this criticism.
Earlier in the class we talked about the fact that Regina feels guilty about sending her child to school. It seemed to us to be a good idea to try to relieve some of that guilt for the mental health of both parent and child. However, when strangers judge you to be such awful parents that you deserve to have your child taken away from you it is hard to see how you can not feel guilty and that you are not living up to the rest of soiciety's standards. As Neal says in an earlier chapter the world excpets alot from moms.
Every child will have their own issues and no matter what happens you can only do the best you can with parenting. Regina and Neal seem to understand this, as do the 1 out of 3 responses to the biting episode that are positive rather than judgemental. Especially since these well informed parents were so panicked that they listened to bad advice from a supposedly reliable source of their school it just doesn't seem fair to place all of the blame on only them.
The only other thing that I had to say this week is slightly extracurricular. I am playing for the drama school's production of Into the Woods this week, so I have so far listened to they entire show about 20 times (only 4 more to go) which has let me mull over the plot and symbolism of it alot recently. It seems to tie into this class very well because the main plot is about a quest to concieve a child and what happens once lives have been ruined in the process of getting that child. It has alot to do with how that child is raised and grows up into adult hood as well through other side plots. It has absolutly made me think about the fairy tales that I want to see being passed down to children and this line of thought reminds me greatly of Neal deciding which books to read and even deciding which music to listen to, the lyrics of which are obvoiusly teaching Elijah as they go. The media that children are exposed to is so important but I feel like its impossible for parents to control this entirely and it is definitily not possible for them to be able to inepret what their children see for them. That will be Elijah's responsibilty and right and there is nothing that Regina or Neal can do about it. Into the Woods drives that point home for many of its characters and I would recommend it as a relevant show to this class.
Earlier in the class we talked about the fact that Regina feels guilty about sending her child to school. It seemed to us to be a good idea to try to relieve some of that guilt for the mental health of both parent and child. However, when strangers judge you to be such awful parents that you deserve to have your child taken away from you it is hard to see how you can not feel guilty and that you are not living up to the rest of soiciety's standards. As Neal says in an earlier chapter the world excpets alot from moms.
Every child will have their own issues and no matter what happens you can only do the best you can with parenting. Regina and Neal seem to understand this, as do the 1 out of 3 responses to the biting episode that are positive rather than judgemental. Especially since these well informed parents were so panicked that they listened to bad advice from a supposedly reliable source of their school it just doesn't seem fair to place all of the blame on only them.
The only other thing that I had to say this week is slightly extracurricular. I am playing for the drama school's production of Into the Woods this week, so I have so far listened to they entire show about 20 times (only 4 more to go) which has let me mull over the plot and symbolism of it alot recently. It seems to tie into this class very well because the main plot is about a quest to concieve a child and what happens once lives have been ruined in the process of getting that child. It has alot to do with how that child is raised and grows up into adult hood as well through other side plots. It has absolutly made me think about the fairy tales that I want to see being passed down to children and this line of thought reminds me greatly of Neal deciding which books to read and even deciding which music to listen to, the lyrics of which are obvoiusly teaching Elijah as they go. The media that children are exposed to is so important but I feel like its impossible for parents to control this entirely and it is definitily not possible for them to be able to inepret what their children see for them. That will be Elijah's responsibilty and right and there is nothing that Regina or Neal can do about it. Into the Woods drives that point home for many of its characters and I would recommend it as a relevant show to this class.
Alternadad: A Tragedy?
Upon finishing Alternadad I was left feeling saddened and disappointed. Perhaps it is impossible to hold onto an idealistic view of a “utopian” or “perfect” parenthood, even if you are (in my view) the supremely cool Neal Pollack. During the climax of the book in which Elijah gets expelled from preschool and the parents receive a barrage of hate-mails attacking them for being horrible parents, I wondered what they could have possibly done more for their child in this situation. This was not an example of the mother taking the majority of the blame—on the contrary, Neal was the primary target of the assault. In light of Elijah’s apparently violent nature and chronic biting problem, I actually found myself wondering whether Neal and Regina’s Rock ‘n Roll parenting style was, in fact, a good idea after all. While it is true that the matter did end and the equilibrium was restored, that fact still did little to lighten my mood on the idea of “cool” but effective parenting. Society would never be tolerant and parents will always be judged by those who did not fully understand those whom they were judging, leaving parents of both genders guilty and torn.
Pollack proclaims: “Show me a perfect parent and I’ll show you a liar…we did the best we could,” but as much as his writing tries to pick up where it began with its rock-out, “who cares” attitude, railing against society and all of its stupidity, I found it faltering—ultimately unable to recover: “A miserable legacy of failed adulthood loomed before me…life was a hopeless journey into a bottomless abyss, only occasionally punctured by ironic Brazilian vacations. This truly was the end of the end” (317; 325). While attempting to be hopeful and rebellious by the book’s finish with “‘What we going to do in Los Angeles Daddy?’…‘Whatever the hell we want to, son,’” I still felt unsatisfied. The artistic, intellectual Neal at the beginning of Alternadad, so intent on remaining himself—refusing to conform to a judgmental society, seemed a far cry from the more worrisome and broken Dad by the end: “‘No,’ I said. ‘Elmo wants to give SpongeBob a kiss.’ That was the moment that I officially stopped pretending to be cool” (299). Wherever the controversy might lie in respect to Pollack’s coolness level must fall silent upon his own admission of defeat. Fatherhood has ended his quest for coolness once and for all; and it is a sad day for Alternadad.
It might be because it is so late at night that I have taken on this somber air of pessimism. Flipping through the pages and looking again at the family’s dynamic does seem to add some hope to the melancholy picture I’ve described: “You’re not a failure at all,” Regina reminds him. “You own a house. You have a wife and a son and a dog that love you. You support your family doing work that you love on your own terms…for some people that’s the very definition of success” (281). He seriously contemplates giving up smoking pot. But during the scene at Target, Neal cries because he wishes he “could give Elijah more, could be more for him. I just wanted the best for my family, and I felt ashamed that I couldn’t give it to them” (337). I suppose that we could view the ending as something other than a tragedy if we remember Bernstein’s idea of perfection as unstable peaks and valleys: “I knew that both good and bad awaited us in California. My family would convulse many more times, only to repair itself again. Careers would rise and fall. There would probably be a major earthquake at some point. But it had still been a long time since something had exited me this much” (344). The most hopeful lines in the book, I believe, are uttered by Elijah himself, when he states that “I see many beautiful things when we’re in the car, like trees and houses and flowers and oranges” (334). He seems happy and optimistic even if his worrisome, now-uncool parents are no longer are able to be. Perhaps, as Jill suggests, we should take our lessons from the child and not the parents. Maybe, aside from being peacemakers, they are the ones with the real answers, and are the ones who keep parents constantly surprised by the little ways that life reminds us of the happiness and contentment we’ve forgotten on their account in the quest to be perfect parents in an age where this has become a true and utter impossibility.
Pollack proclaims: “Show me a perfect parent and I’ll show you a liar…we did the best we could,” but as much as his writing tries to pick up where it began with its rock-out, “who cares” attitude, railing against society and all of its stupidity, I found it faltering—ultimately unable to recover: “A miserable legacy of failed adulthood loomed before me…life was a hopeless journey into a bottomless abyss, only occasionally punctured by ironic Brazilian vacations. This truly was the end of the end” (317; 325). While attempting to be hopeful and rebellious by the book’s finish with “‘What we going to do in Los Angeles Daddy?’…‘Whatever the hell we want to, son,’” I still felt unsatisfied. The artistic, intellectual Neal at the beginning of Alternadad, so intent on remaining himself—refusing to conform to a judgmental society, seemed a far cry from the more worrisome and broken Dad by the end: “‘No,’ I said. ‘Elmo wants to give SpongeBob a kiss.’ That was the moment that I officially stopped pretending to be cool” (299). Wherever the controversy might lie in respect to Pollack’s coolness level must fall silent upon his own admission of defeat. Fatherhood has ended his quest for coolness once and for all; and it is a sad day for Alternadad.
It might be because it is so late at night that I have taken on this somber air of pessimism. Flipping through the pages and looking again at the family’s dynamic does seem to add some hope to the melancholy picture I’ve described: “You’re not a failure at all,” Regina reminds him. “You own a house. You have a wife and a son and a dog that love you. You support your family doing work that you love on your own terms…for some people that’s the very definition of success” (281). He seriously contemplates giving up smoking pot. But during the scene at Target, Neal cries because he wishes he “could give Elijah more, could be more for him. I just wanted the best for my family, and I felt ashamed that I couldn’t give it to them” (337). I suppose that we could view the ending as something other than a tragedy if we remember Bernstein’s idea of perfection as unstable peaks and valleys: “I knew that both good and bad awaited us in California. My family would convulse many more times, only to repair itself again. Careers would rise and fall. There would probably be a major earthquake at some point. But it had still been a long time since something had exited me this much” (344). The most hopeful lines in the book, I believe, are uttered by Elijah himself, when he states that “I see many beautiful things when we’re in the car, like trees and houses and flowers and oranges” (334). He seems happy and optimistic even if his worrisome, now-uncool parents are no longer are able to be. Perhaps, as Jill suggests, we should take our lessons from the child and not the parents. Maybe, aside from being peacemakers, they are the ones with the real answers, and are the ones who keep parents constantly surprised by the little ways that life reminds us of the happiness and contentment we’ve forgotten on their account in the quest to be perfect parents in an age where this has become a true and utter impossibility.
A Child's Role as Peacemaker
Of all of the many things that strike me as I read Alternadad¸ I was very moved by a concept that Pollack mentions very briefly. In chapter 16, as he is trapped at his in-laws for the holidays, it seems only natural that tension will build and escalate into verbal drama. As the events in the chapter unfold, I thought it was very insightful and intriguing when Pollack called his son a “peacemaker.” He writes on page 268, “My son had become a peacemaker, and I was glad. Wasn’t that one of the reason you had kids? Sometimes a marriage needs a referee, and no one would ever know us as well as he did.” Obviously, as with many things ideas set forth by the various authors we have read in this class, I am struck by ideas that I can really relate to. And I think that the idea of a child’s purpose as a referee is very realistic. Many times I have served as a referee, whether I was conscious of it or not. Often times, in my refereeing, I never had to use the “whistle,” so to speak. And that is why I think that Pollack’s concept holds such truth. It’s like the job of a child to step in, without even knowing it, in order to ground a husband and wife. Sometimes a child is successful, other times they are not. Sometimes a child will be victimized by this concept, but regardless, a child does have this obligation as a referee and it is interesting to see what side they will take, or if they remain neutral only to resolve the situation and maintain peace between his or her parents.
I think that since this was the first time I really thought about a child’s role with respect to a peaceful dynamic between his or her parents, I was really engaged. However, I think that it is a good thing that I never really considered this concept because if this was brought to the attention of every husband and wife, the privilege of a referee as an offspring would be abused. Also if a child was aware of their role as a peacemaker, it might affect their livelihood and create problems with them, they might feel guilty. Maybe Pollack can only get away with acknowledging it because Elijah is so young.
Although a child can be a unifying commodity, it is never good to use a child as a device used to leverage power or pride. Luckily, although I have played the role of referee, I have never been made to feel guilty about when to step in or whose side to take. It is also interesting to see a child presented in a positive way, rather than as an annoying and time-consuming burden.
I think that since this was the first time I really thought about a child’s role with respect to a peaceful dynamic between his or her parents, I was really engaged. However, I think that it is a good thing that I never really considered this concept because if this was brought to the attention of every husband and wife, the privilege of a referee as an offspring would be abused. Also if a child was aware of their role as a peacemaker, it might affect their livelihood and create problems with them, they might feel guilty. Maybe Pollack can only get away with acknowledging it because Elijah is so young.
Although a child can be a unifying commodity, it is never good to use a child as a device used to leverage power or pride. Luckily, although I have played the role of referee, I have never been made to feel guilty about when to step in or whose side to take. It is also interesting to see a child presented in a positive way, rather than as an annoying and time-consuming burden.
Cool or not cool?
I still haven't finished Alternadad yet but I'd like bring up a few points that trouble me about the book. I know that Neal Pollack is open-minded about many things and that he would like to be seen as liberal and "cool". In the past we have discussed what we see as "cool" and what Neal Pollack sees as cool are extremely different. As a father, I think he's incredibly cool simply for trying hard to make his son happy. A lot of times though, I feel that Regina gets shafted and stuck with taking care of their son too much. This impression might be created because Neal Pollack doesn't really talk about what he does while Regina's taking care of the child, other than the many concerts that he goes to, or other times, hanging out with other people and drinking beer or getting high. My mother was almost the opposite of Neal when it came to music. Or, I should say, she made me get into music, but in the classical spectrum of the music world. I have played piano since I could remember and eventually took on other instruments as I grew up - ones that I chose for myself. I hated piano lessons at many points of my life, so the one question that came up while reading was, what if Elijah hated hated hated the music his Dad made him listen to? What if his son was not the kind of child that he was so proud of, for being so into his own music? And will his son grow to appreciate or resent his father's musical influence in his early years? I don't think Neal Pollack would be angry because he is always surprisingly adaptable to certain situations, but the story definitely would be completely different and maybe he wouldn't see himself as "cool" anymore.
I read Jill's entry "Alternamom" and found myself completely agreeing with her. My last entry was about how fathers that take on more responsibilities in parenting are in a sense glorified and I definitely think this is related. If Regina were the one going out and partying, I would be completely proud of her for having a life other than her child. At the same time, when I hear about mothers that neglect their children because they like to party too much, a lot of negative opinions form. The lack of maturity, responsibility, and capability to take care of someone else is always associated with women that can't fulfill the mother role. My own mother is the opposite. She thinks she's always been a great mother but even to this day I think that she was always too overbearing and controlling. So when she compares herself to her sister, who was more neglectful and much less controlling and partied a lot while my cousin was growing up, I always thought of her as a "cool" mom and thought that I would have preferred her more. But in the end, it came down to the fact that my aunt wasn't exactly a "good mother", at least in that traditional mother role.
In fact, I'm beginning to think that the traditional father roles are slowly beginning to change whereas the traditional mother roles are still the same. Our expectations of mothers are already subconciously drawn, but for fathers I feel like it's still a little bit fuzzy. In this way, it seems that fathers are expected to have more freedom and not frowned upon for not participating in household activities. But if the roles of fathers are beginning to change, then it may mean that the roles of mothers adjust with these changes too.
I read Jill's entry "Alternamom" and found myself completely agreeing with her. My last entry was about how fathers that take on more responsibilities in parenting are in a sense glorified and I definitely think this is related. If Regina were the one going out and partying, I would be completely proud of her for having a life other than her child. At the same time, when I hear about mothers that neglect their children because they like to party too much, a lot of negative opinions form. The lack of maturity, responsibility, and capability to take care of someone else is always associated with women that can't fulfill the mother role. My own mother is the opposite. She thinks she's always been a great mother but even to this day I think that she was always too overbearing and controlling. So when she compares herself to her sister, who was more neglectful and much less controlling and partied a lot while my cousin was growing up, I always thought of her as a "cool" mom and thought that I would have preferred her more. But in the end, it came down to the fact that my aunt wasn't exactly a "good mother", at least in that traditional mother role.
In fact, I'm beginning to think that the traditional father roles are slowly beginning to change whereas the traditional mother roles are still the same. Our expectations of mothers are already subconciously drawn, but for fathers I feel like it's still a little bit fuzzy. In this way, it seems that fathers are expected to have more freedom and not frowned upon for not participating in household activities. But if the roles of fathers are beginning to change, then it may mean that the roles of mothers adjust with these changes too.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Blog from Last week: AlternaMOM?
If the tables were turned and Regina was the exceptionally alternative parent, there would be a problem. People wouldn’t pt up with it. Her parenting approach would be scrutinized and criticized. It would be called neglectful and harmful. Although we don’t give Neal Pollack the green card, he is still let off of the hook a lot easier than any mother with his lifestyle. Why is this the case? I feel that because of the parenting stereotype, the way mothers have been perceived in pop culture, the thought of an Alternamom is even worse than an outrageous and dangerous epidemic. I have to admit, I have this bias too. I give Neal the benefit of the doubt. I don’t know why, but its just seems more acceptable for the father to do the things he does. Perhaps this concept of giving more responsibility to the mother is why so many mothers turn into a “bitch.” It is going to take a lot more than this blog post to change years of the general understanding that mothers must give up their wild sides and devote their entire lives to their children, but if we could just wave the magic wand, and shed equality on the mother-father dynamic, what a different world it would be.
However there is something to learn from this Alternadad situation and that is the importance of care. Despite his lifestyle, Neal Pollack loves and cares for his child. I believe that regardless of how wild and crazy a parent might choose to be, if they embrace the importance of care, their child will live a safe life. Since there is no magic wand we can wave, no legislation we can pass, we just have to trust society to make good decisions. And since most of society will continue to make bad decisions, we have to make sure on an individual level we always have our priorities in check.
However there is something to learn from this Alternadad situation and that is the importance of care. Despite his lifestyle, Neal Pollack loves and cares for his child. I believe that regardless of how wild and crazy a parent might choose to be, if they embrace the importance of care, their child will live a safe life. Since there is no magic wand we can wave, no legislation we can pass, we just have to trust society to make good decisions. And since most of society will continue to make bad decisions, we have to make sure on an individual level we always have our priorities in check.
Always Guilty?
One of the main issues that has come up in the readings we’ve done this semester is the overwhelming feeling of guilt women experience during motherhood. Even in Alternadad, when the story is told by the father, the mother’s guilt manages to surface. Neal Pollack (although not the ‘cool’ dad he thinks he is in my opinion) is a good father. He does what he feels is best for his child, whether it is taking him to gymnastics or swimming lessons. He also misses his child sincerely when he is not with him. However, what Pollack lacks is the guilt that his wife feels.
When Neal and Regina decide to send Elijah off to school Regina’s guilt is clearly articulated. The separation from her child leaves her making comments that question her role as Elijah’s mother. First she comments, “I feel like a bad mother” (209). While Elijah is at school she later asks Neal, “Are you sure he doesn’t hate us” (213)? While Neal misses Elijah too, he does not express these concerns. He does not feel guilty. Why is it that only the mother feels guilt in these circumstances? After all, it was both parents’ decisions to take Elijah to school at this early age. Both of them left him for the day. Yet, while Neal may miss his child and worry about him, he does not feel guilty like Regina.
What I found most interesting was that even though this was Neal’s story, a father’s story, the mother’s guilt was still present. Regina’s guilt is more hidden in Alternadad since it is Neal’s story, but it was still there in both obvious and subtle ways. Neal even acknowledged Regina’s guilt. “Regina isn’t normally a guilt-ridden person, but motherhood ratchets up the guilt stakes” (210).
My older cousin Leslie just had her first child last February (Andrew). A few weekends ago we were at a family wedding and she was telling me just how exhausted she was (even though the dark circles under her eyes said it all). Baby Andrew was being passed all around the reception hall between family members. My mother and my aunt had him for a significant portion of the evening. Leslie deserved a break and Andrew is adorable so everyone wanted to hold him. Plus, Leslie was in the wedding party and had plenty going on throughout the evening. However, later on when I was talking to her, she expressed to me that she was feeling really guilty that she had not been holding and taking care of Andrew more that evening. She constantly was coming over and making sure everything was ok and that whoever was holding him at the time was ok. It was as though, even being separated from him in the same room and not being the only one taking care of him, was causing her guilt.
Is there a way for mothers to avoid this guilt-trap? It sure doesn’t seem so. My question and fear at the same time is whether or not mothers always feel guilty? Did I send him to school too early? Did I stop breastfeeding too soon? Did I make the right decision about this and that? Both parents have a responsibility to a child and both parents aid in the decision-making process for their kids, so why then is the mother the only one racked with guilt?
When Neal and Regina decide to send Elijah off to school Regina’s guilt is clearly articulated. The separation from her child leaves her making comments that question her role as Elijah’s mother. First she comments, “I feel like a bad mother” (209). While Elijah is at school she later asks Neal, “Are you sure he doesn’t hate us” (213)? While Neal misses Elijah too, he does not express these concerns. He does not feel guilty. Why is it that only the mother feels guilt in these circumstances? After all, it was both parents’ decisions to take Elijah to school at this early age. Both of them left him for the day. Yet, while Neal may miss his child and worry about him, he does not feel guilty like Regina.
What I found most interesting was that even though this was Neal’s story, a father’s story, the mother’s guilt was still present. Regina’s guilt is more hidden in Alternadad since it is Neal’s story, but it was still there in both obvious and subtle ways. Neal even acknowledged Regina’s guilt. “Regina isn’t normally a guilt-ridden person, but motherhood ratchets up the guilt stakes” (210).
My older cousin Leslie just had her first child last February (Andrew). A few weekends ago we were at a family wedding and she was telling me just how exhausted she was (even though the dark circles under her eyes said it all). Baby Andrew was being passed all around the reception hall between family members. My mother and my aunt had him for a significant portion of the evening. Leslie deserved a break and Andrew is adorable so everyone wanted to hold him. Plus, Leslie was in the wedding party and had plenty going on throughout the evening. However, later on when I was talking to her, she expressed to me that she was feeling really guilty that she had not been holding and taking care of Andrew more that evening. She constantly was coming over and making sure everything was ok and that whoever was holding him at the time was ok. It was as though, even being separated from him in the same room and not being the only one taking care of him, was causing her guilt.
Is there a way for mothers to avoid this guilt-trap? It sure doesn’t seem so. My question and fear at the same time is whether or not mothers always feel guilty? Did I send him to school too early? Did I stop breastfeeding too soon? Did I make the right decision about this and that? Both parents have a responsibility to a child and both parents aid in the decision-making process for their kids, so why then is the mother the only one racked with guilt?
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Why Kids?
A thematic question that we have been discussing in class is “Why have children?” Most books/essays that we have read depict the hardships of raising infants or dealing with children with disabilities, or some even try to focus on trying to maintain the pre-baby way of life. Alternadad hits on this last one. One main difference between this family and others is that Neal Pollack has the ability to work at home. There problem becomes the idea that they have too much time with their child rather than not enough, like so many other families. They admit that they feel bad in wanting to send their child to school, but at the same time they encounter the common problem of affordable/decent childcare. This aside the Pollack family presents a very different dynamic to the ‘why children’ question. Pollack carries a very seemingly adolescent attitude in that he wants to experience life through rock music; this is evident through his rock and roll phase as well as his drive to take his son to a concert. In this section Pollack debates about whether or not to take his son, when it turns out not to be a question about whether he will take his son, but rather will Regina, his wife? Regina seems like a very down to earth mother in the sense that she seems to have all the tribulations of a first time mother. However, Pollack is not the typical father. His actions are uncharacteristic of any father we have read so far. He is first not absent from the family and secondly he is not over the top possessive/controlling like the father from Daddy Dearest. Although he is not one of these categorical fathers, he is a father none the less. He takes time to be with his son i.e. the farm, discipline him i.e. the penalty box, and love him i.e. music and stories. Although he possesses the basics of my idea of a father, his methods are very individual. Throughout all of the books we have read we have seen the struggle to maintain the individual nature of the adult while at the same time becoming a mother/father. Neal Pollack seems to be achieving this goal the best. I do not know if this is because of his eccentric nature, or if it is because he seems have the ideals and dreams of a teenage boy trapped in a man’s body. The question of ‘why children’ hasn’t really been answered in this book (as of section three) and I don’t know if it ever will. Elijah seemed to be Regina’s idea in the first place; Pollack was comfortable in the world they were living before. However, I do have to admit that although Elijah may not have changed Pollack’s way of life, he definitely adds to it. One good example is that as we all know Pollack likes to smoke pot. One parenting skill that he chooses to impart/learn is that he refuses to smoke around Elijah i.e. the party. I admire this quality and the idea that Pollack wants his son to be as individual as he is. This is best accomplished seen through Pollack’s investment in music hour. In conclusion I guess the initial idea of children may not have been Pollack’s, but the reason for children is to help someone become as individual as they possibly can.
As a side note I just want to mention that Pollack’s writing style in section three became very boring and materialistic (especially “Play that Monkey Music Wiper.”) This may be in part because he is talking about songs and ideas that I am unfamiliar with as well as trying to recount the exact ‘conversation’ language of Elijah. This style of writing may add to the question of audience that Pollack intended.
As a side note I just want to mention that Pollack’s writing style in section three became very boring and materialistic (especially “Play that Monkey Music Wiper.”) This may be in part because he is talking about songs and ideas that I am unfamiliar with as well as trying to recount the exact ‘conversation’ language of Elijah. This style of writing may add to the question of audience that Pollack intended.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
One quote that struck me in the beginning of Alternadad was, "The reason that dads shouldn't whine is because whether you're a dad or not a dad, your life stays basically the same. It's just a matter of increased responsibility. But once a woman has a baby, she's a mom, and the world demands a lot from moms. Regina understood this, and it made her nervous"(63-64).
In my second paper this was a huge part of why women are very frustrated with their positions as mothers. I don't know if it's a political, cultural, societal, economic kind of thing that makes the pressures on women so much more in terms of having children (generally speaking), or if it's really an innate kind of thing. Mothers are the ones that walk around for months with a tiny new life forming in their tummies and maybe that in itself is enough for women to feel more compelled to be responsible for their children. But in the case of adopting, do most mothers feel the same way, the same pressure, the same responsibilities? The only adoption reading we've had was The Kid, and in this case, there was no mother position in their family, at least, from what we read.
I'm really glad that Neal Pollack said this though, because he says how he's not that nervous about having a child while Regina is nervous about everything. He sees the difference between them as parents - the world expects a lot more from moms. There are also expectations for the ideal husband or father too, of course, which is why we also see movies in which fathers are the main characters. Even "Full House"and "Smart Guy"was more about fathers than mothers since Danny Tanner's wife died and Uncle Jessie and Joey are both male. Another example I can think of is "Smart Guy", a TV show about a 12 year old boy going to high school with two older siblings and has a single father. In both of these popular 90s shows the men are single parents. The main issues that surround them are raising their children without a mother, trying to find substitutes for that mother position once their children have become mature enough to accept another mother figure in their lives. Undoubtedly, these shows would have been completely different and even bland if the fathers were not single. I think that fathers do deserve as much credit as mothers in raising children, but I sometimes wonder if we give them too much credit when they decide or have to do more than the typical father role. For example, the friend Neal Pollack had, Ned, would take his daughter around and use this as a way of attracting women and flirting with them. Babies in general do attract attention, but when it comes to men that look like they're really loving fathers, girls just seem to melt. The idea of good mothers, on the other hand, seem to be less glorified (or maybe it's just that all of these readings lately have brought me to think so).
In my second paper this was a huge part of why women are very frustrated with their positions as mothers. I don't know if it's a political, cultural, societal, economic kind of thing that makes the pressures on women so much more in terms of having children (generally speaking), or if it's really an innate kind of thing. Mothers are the ones that walk around for months with a tiny new life forming in their tummies and maybe that in itself is enough for women to feel more compelled to be responsible for their children. But in the case of adopting, do most mothers feel the same way, the same pressure, the same responsibilities? The only adoption reading we've had was The Kid, and in this case, there was no mother position in their family, at least, from what we read.
I'm really glad that Neal Pollack said this though, because he says how he's not that nervous about having a child while Regina is nervous about everything. He sees the difference between them as parents - the world expects a lot more from moms. There are also expectations for the ideal husband or father too, of course, which is why we also see movies in which fathers are the main characters. Even "Full House"and "Smart Guy"was more about fathers than mothers since Danny Tanner's wife died and Uncle Jessie and Joey are both male. Another example I can think of is "Smart Guy", a TV show about a 12 year old boy going to high school with two older siblings and has a single father. In both of these popular 90s shows the men are single parents. The main issues that surround them are raising their children without a mother, trying to find substitutes for that mother position once their children have become mature enough to accept another mother figure in their lives. Undoubtedly, these shows would have been completely different and even bland if the fathers were not single. I think that fathers do deserve as much credit as mothers in raising children, but I sometimes wonder if we give them too much credit when they decide or have to do more than the typical father role. For example, the friend Neal Pollack had, Ned, would take his daughter around and use this as a way of attracting women and flirting with them. Babies in general do attract attention, but when it comes to men that look like they're really loving fathers, girls just seem to melt. The idea of good mothers, on the other hand, seem to be less glorified (or maybe it's just that all of these readings lately have brought me to think so).
Alternadad
I'm a little wishy-washy on my feelings about Neal Pollack as a father or a rocker, but from reading Alternadad the main feeling I did get was just how amazing Regina is. She seems like the absolute coolest down to earth person ever, and she's a mom. Plus, she wanted to be a mom and she actually had reasonable reasons along with a ticking biological clock. She puts up with a sometimes unruly husband with all the grace of a funky southern protestant while doing her own artwork and raising a kid. From their first date I was totally enthralled by her character and decisions, much more so than Pollack's.
One of the funniest lines in the reading was, "I cooked, walked Hercules, did laundry, and scrubbed toilets. The responsibility was oddly satisfying, like I was proving to myself that I could be a man." From the other readings we've done it seems like the cooking, laundry, cleaning, and dog walking would only solidify his proof of his femininity rather than his manliness. I got this feeling from the first half of this section of the book, that they could share somewhat equally and gender roles hadn't come into play all that much in their relationship. However, as the book went on more and more often the sharing ended up on Regina which Pollack readily admits. But I get a hopeful feeling from this entire situation, especially the chapter where Pollack returns from his rock tour. I feel like he's figuring things out and he has a good sense of how important both Regina and Elijah are and the balance that he needs to make work for them.
Two other sections that struck me were the fact that her birth while they had planned on it being easy was incredibly difficult, and the first three months of infancy were much easier than they had planned. So far the only successful easy birth we've seen was by the one mother who decided from the beginning that she wanted drugs (Melissa in Savage's The Kid). Both Cusk and Regina go into a birth hoping for a natural birth complete with standing in the shower, and both end up in risky operations demanding drugs. The message I take from this right now is plan on taking the drugs but I think that I had that sentiment to begin with. The difference between Cusk and Regina though is the infancy after the birth. Regina feeds the child but her husband is far more present in this narrative than in A Life's Work. Pollack and Regina seem rather shocked at how much TV they can watch and sleep they can get guilt free. But this guilt free is based solely on how successful Regina was in feeding the baby which is exactly the same sentiment that Cusk has just with better luck. Lessons learned are take drugs and get lucky which is exactly what I think Alternadad is all about.
One of the funniest lines in the reading was, "I cooked, walked Hercules, did laundry, and scrubbed toilets. The responsibility was oddly satisfying, like I was proving to myself that I could be a man." From the other readings we've done it seems like the cooking, laundry, cleaning, and dog walking would only solidify his proof of his femininity rather than his manliness. I got this feeling from the first half of this section of the book, that they could share somewhat equally and gender roles hadn't come into play all that much in their relationship. However, as the book went on more and more often the sharing ended up on Regina which Pollack readily admits. But I get a hopeful feeling from this entire situation, especially the chapter where Pollack returns from his rock tour. I feel like he's figuring things out and he has a good sense of how important both Regina and Elijah are and the balance that he needs to make work for them.
Two other sections that struck me were the fact that her birth while they had planned on it being easy was incredibly difficult, and the first three months of infancy were much easier than they had planned. So far the only successful easy birth we've seen was by the one mother who decided from the beginning that she wanted drugs (Melissa in Savage's The Kid). Both Cusk and Regina go into a birth hoping for a natural birth complete with standing in the shower, and both end up in risky operations demanding drugs. The message I take from this right now is plan on taking the drugs but I think that I had that sentiment to begin with. The difference between Cusk and Regina though is the infancy after the birth. Regina feeds the child but her husband is far more present in this narrative than in A Life's Work. Pollack and Regina seem rather shocked at how much TV they can watch and sleep they can get guilt free. But this guilt free is based solely on how successful Regina was in feeding the baby which is exactly the same sentiment that Cusk has just with better luck. Lessons learned are take drugs and get lucky which is exactly what I think Alternadad is all about.
The True Story of One Man's Inability to Let Go of the Teenage Angst That Has Been Haunting Him Throughout His Entire Adult Life
So far, I have been extremely unimpressed with Neil Pollack, Alternadad. His tone often strikes me as a little self-mocking - he's quick to make fun of himself, and to offer up a rhetorical, "why do these things always happen to me?" At least, I assume this is rhetorical and that he's not honestly wondering this. I think if we were to read a story written from a mother's perspective about a husband who was consistently out smoking pot and getting drunk, he would certainly not be a protagonist. And if the mother was trying to rationalize it as well, he just needs to do it, I think we would feel bad for her, and maybe she's in denial about some serious problems that he might have.
But in Alternadad, its not that he has any personal problems, its that he has a "punk-rock lifestyle." And I'm going to have to agree with Jana that he exhibits a lot of "wrong behavior for a dad like symbol." Its like he's on a constant journey of self-discovery, but he doesn't really like to discover anything significant about himself. So he knows he loves his family, and then he leaves that family (with an extremely young infant) to go on a rock tour, because pretty soon it'll be too late to be a rock star! Oh no! In my opinion, its already too late. You don't spend your child's infanthood learning that you really want to be with your child during that phase. I don't buy his 18-34 demographic idea, where he seems to think that you can be as young as dumb as you want. The 30+ year old guy at concerts isn't cool, even if he thinks he is, and even if he smokes a lot of pot.
I think that Amanda has pretty low standards for fathers, to be impressed with Pollack. I imagine most of the fathers in the essays we've read would acknowledge that the world demands a lot from mothers, and put up with a lot from their pregnant wives without seriously complaining because, they realize how cool it is that this woman is going to be giving birth to their child. That's the easy part. But what happens when Pollack has an infant? 1. Rock tour 2. Complaining, "Why don't you stop trying to hold me back?" when his wife asks him to take care of the baby for two hours. Seriously? Stop trying to hold me back? Hello, everyone, I'd like to introduce you to the teenage angst of a 30 year old man! We could sub-title this book, "I Refuse to Grow Up, But My Kid Makes Me Feel Good About Myself."
I don't want to judge the values of Neil and Regina in general, because being able to have your own values matters a lot. But one instance, Regina's inability and refusal to even get trash into a trash can, and Neil's acceptance of this, really troubles me. This is why: it's one thing to raise a kid with different values, its another to raise that kid with values that are inevitably going to come in conflict with pretty much everyone he meets. I'm imagining a 20 yr old Elijah, who has never cleaned up after himself, though has never had anyone clean up after him, moving with several roommates. And I'm imagining their resentment build as he just creates more and more filth and has absolutely no awareness that it might bother other people.
But in Alternadad, its not that he has any personal problems, its that he has a "punk-rock lifestyle." And I'm going to have to agree with Jana that he exhibits a lot of "wrong behavior for a dad like symbol." Its like he's on a constant journey of self-discovery, but he doesn't really like to discover anything significant about himself. So he knows he loves his family, and then he leaves that family (with an extremely young infant) to go on a rock tour, because pretty soon it'll be too late to be a rock star! Oh no! In my opinion, its already too late. You don't spend your child's infanthood learning that you really want to be with your child during that phase. I don't buy his 18-34 demographic idea, where he seems to think that you can be as young as dumb as you want. The 30+ year old guy at concerts isn't cool, even if he thinks he is, and even if he smokes a lot of pot.
I think that Amanda has pretty low standards for fathers, to be impressed with Pollack. I imagine most of the fathers in the essays we've read would acknowledge that the world demands a lot from mothers, and put up with a lot from their pregnant wives without seriously complaining because, they realize how cool it is that this woman is going to be giving birth to their child. That's the easy part. But what happens when Pollack has an infant? 1. Rock tour 2. Complaining, "Why don't you stop trying to hold me back?" when his wife asks him to take care of the baby for two hours. Seriously? Stop trying to hold me back? Hello, everyone, I'd like to introduce you to the teenage angst of a 30 year old man! We could sub-title this book, "I Refuse to Grow Up, But My Kid Makes Me Feel Good About Myself."
I don't want to judge the values of Neil and Regina in general, because being able to have your own values matters a lot. But one instance, Regina's inability and refusal to even get trash into a trash can, and Neil's acceptance of this, really troubles me. This is why: it's one thing to raise a kid with different values, its another to raise that kid with values that are inevitably going to come in conflict with pretty much everyone he meets. I'm imagining a 20 yr old Elijah, who has never cleaned up after himself, though has never had anyone clean up after him, moving with several roommates. And I'm imagining their resentment build as he just creates more and more filth and has absolutely no awareness that it might bother other people.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Let Daddy Rock
While there is no question in my mind that Neal Pollack is the shit, I understand the arguments of those who would criticize his “different” methods of parenting. I don’t see his problem surrounding his relationship with his wife so much as on his concern with the sacrifice of his individuality to settled-down, docile fatherhood. As Jana pointed out, while Pollack is rightly concerned about the health and wellbeing of his family, he engages in what some find to be self-destructive behavior—partying, drinking, pot smoking etc.: “this is just wrong behavior for a dad like symbol.” However, I find that Pollack’s whole conflict involves avoiding the compromise of this punk-rock lifestyle, which he feels is integral to his personality as a rebellious, alternative-minded “artiste,” by letting it fall into the stereotypical portrayal of the traditional family: “Class guilt oozed from my every pore. I wanted to say… ‘These are but trappings of yuppiedom! It’s not who I am in my soul! But I was no longer cool’” (113). As the new routine of fatherhood takes its form, Pollack laments his loss of coolness, and must fight to gain that sense again, whether it be to shop for indie clothes for his son or become a kick-ass rock star.
Regina shares Pollack’s wish to be a cool and different kind of parent, even if she is more pragmatic or “healthy” in the way she goes about it. Pollack writes, “we would be cool parents…we would not succumb to the cult of child rearing; our kid was not going to be our excuse to retreat from the wider world. He would be our passport and we would be his” (113). But Regina undoubtedly calls all the shots, or most of them, and where Amanda applauded his glorification of his wife during and after her pregnancy, I saw his sometimes “pathetic” role to be typical of the fathers in the Bitch in the House—sad, helpless men whose only escape from the torments of family life were to either keep away or just become “yes-men”: “I had one job: to nod and say ‘Yes, dear,’ to whatever she wanted” (73). Wouldn’t it have been enough to have Neal there at the birthing? Why was it necessary to have the Doula? Was it because Pollack was incapable of being supportive or emotionally helpful? Somehow, I thought that Pollack was treated somewhere between being placated and patronized solely based on the fact that he wasn’t a female and couldn’t “relate.” The annoyed looks the women exchanged at his attempts at understanding could have been more useful if they had been followed by explanations. Pollack seems endearingly desperate to learn about parenthood so that he can at last be seen as not just a disappointment, but some sort of authority: “I actually craved the responsibility that fatherhood would bring. I liked the idea that people would be dependent on me. I’d felt like the employee, the son or the clownish afterthought my entire adult life. It was time for me to prove that I could take the ship’s tiller” (62). He is genuinely stoked about Daddyhood.
In addition to all of the “serious” issues the book raises in regard to contemporary parenthood, I think Alternadad, at least so far, is a very enjoyable book. Apart from being a very good writer, Pollack obviously shares many of my core values (e.g. hanging out in Philly with eccentric folks and starting rock bands because it just needs to be done), and has a killer sense of humor: "It is generally not a good idea to tell a woman you're in love with her while she's breaking up with you" (24). But he doesn’t merely value these things because they are counter-culture or whatever, they are just a part of who he is, and he even has a somewhat mature understanding of his otherwise adolescent views: “Aesthetics matter a little bit, but they weren’t all that mattered. Eccentricity is not a virtue unto itself” (18). As a product of the “Indie” age loaded with gnarly music, yuppie-hating, beer swigging, dirty coffee-house culture, Pollack is an unlikely candidate for “family man”. This fact, however, merely makes Alternadad all that more compelling a read, for when and if I decide to have kids, I want to do it a lot like Neal Pollack. Minus the moving to Texas part. (Texas? What?!) Rock on.
Regina shares Pollack’s wish to be a cool and different kind of parent, even if she is more pragmatic or “healthy” in the way she goes about it. Pollack writes, “we would be cool parents…we would not succumb to the cult of child rearing; our kid was not going to be our excuse to retreat from the wider world. He would be our passport and we would be his” (113). But Regina undoubtedly calls all the shots, or most of them, and where Amanda applauded his glorification of his wife during and after her pregnancy, I saw his sometimes “pathetic” role to be typical of the fathers in the Bitch in the House—sad, helpless men whose only escape from the torments of family life were to either keep away or just become “yes-men”: “I had one job: to nod and say ‘Yes, dear,’ to whatever she wanted” (73). Wouldn’t it have been enough to have Neal there at the birthing? Why was it necessary to have the Doula? Was it because Pollack was incapable of being supportive or emotionally helpful? Somehow, I thought that Pollack was treated somewhere between being placated and patronized solely based on the fact that he wasn’t a female and couldn’t “relate.” The annoyed looks the women exchanged at his attempts at understanding could have been more useful if they had been followed by explanations. Pollack seems endearingly desperate to learn about parenthood so that he can at last be seen as not just a disappointment, but some sort of authority: “I actually craved the responsibility that fatherhood would bring. I liked the idea that people would be dependent on me. I’d felt like the employee, the son or the clownish afterthought my entire adult life. It was time for me to prove that I could take the ship’s tiller” (62). He is genuinely stoked about Daddyhood.
In addition to all of the “serious” issues the book raises in regard to contemporary parenthood, I think Alternadad, at least so far, is a very enjoyable book. Apart from being a very good writer, Pollack obviously shares many of my core values (e.g. hanging out in Philly with eccentric folks and starting rock bands because it just needs to be done), and has a killer sense of humor: "It is generally not a good idea to tell a woman you're in love with her while she's breaking up with you" (24). But he doesn’t merely value these things because they are counter-culture or whatever, they are just a part of who he is, and he even has a somewhat mature understanding of his otherwise adolescent views: “Aesthetics matter a little bit, but they weren’t all that mattered. Eccentricity is not a virtue unto itself” (18). As a product of the “Indie” age loaded with gnarly music, yuppie-hating, beer swigging, dirty coffee-house culture, Pollack is an unlikely candidate for “family man”. This fact, however, merely makes Alternadad all that more compelling a read, for when and if I decide to have kids, I want to do it a lot like Neal Pollack. Minus the moving to Texas part. (Texas? What?!) Rock on.
Monday, November 10, 2008
A Mother's Presence
In most of the parenthood literature we have read this semester, mother writers have constantly chosen to not include the father or if included, the father is seen simply as a pain-in-the-ass. In a father narrative a mother’s presence is a necessity, however I was curious to see how Neal Pollack portrayed and described his wife, a.k.a. the mother.
What I felt most interesting from the father’s point of view in Alternadad was not that the mother was clearly present, but that she was almost glorified. In my opinion, Pollack was not the ideal, perfect husband to have during pregnancy, but his actions and thoughts towards a mother’s role were impressive. For example, I greatly respected Pollack when he noted that upon becoming a dad not much changes except for increased responsibility; whereas in contrast, “once a woman has a baby, she’s a mom, and the world demands a lot from moms” (64). This acknowledgement to me signified that Pollack was already one step ahead of most the dads we have read about so far because he understands the demands of motherhood, at least to some extent. Furthermore, it seems to foreshadow that Pollack will do whatever he can to help ease the demands of being a mother for his wife.
The other quality I admired about Pollack was his devotion to his wife during her pregnancy. He may not have been ideal and he did go out on occasion, but he still acknowledged that his wife came first. More importantly though was that he did not portray his wife as a demanding, crazy, bitchy, pregnant woman. In fact, it was quite the opposite. For example, Regina gave him permission to go out and party a little after the first six false alarms (which I think is impressive to begin with because I want my husband at my beck and call when I’m that pregnant). He portrayed himself as the ‘bad guy,’ not his hormonal wife by stating: “I was pathetic, but she was forgiving” (82).
Men cannot experience the joys and sorrows of pregnancy or the pain of childbirth (lucky them)! However, why I admired Pollack as a father writer was because he was as involved as he could be in the entire birthing process. We have discussed the emotion that mother writers express during pregnancy and birth, and I was pleasantly surprised at Pollack’s. For example, he was not afraid to show his emotions when his son was first born. In fact, he really began to weep when the nurse pointed to his son’s chin dimple and noted that he was definitely his child. Furthermore, although he could not experience the unbelievable amount of pain his wife encountered, he seemed exceptionally horrified. Afterwards he shouted: “That was horrible!” and “How could they put Regina through it all?” This was shortly followed by “Fuck the process.”
(91).
Although a potential future husband of mine may not be able to deliver a child, I hope that if I’m in a great deal of pain afterwards, he is shouting to someone “Fuck the process” too.
What I felt most interesting from the father’s point of view in Alternadad was not that the mother was clearly present, but that she was almost glorified. In my opinion, Pollack was not the ideal, perfect husband to have during pregnancy, but his actions and thoughts towards a mother’s role were impressive. For example, I greatly respected Pollack when he noted that upon becoming a dad not much changes except for increased responsibility; whereas in contrast, “once a woman has a baby, she’s a mom, and the world demands a lot from moms” (64). This acknowledgement to me signified that Pollack was already one step ahead of most the dads we have read about so far because he understands the demands of motherhood, at least to some extent. Furthermore, it seems to foreshadow that Pollack will do whatever he can to help ease the demands of being a mother for his wife.
The other quality I admired about Pollack was his devotion to his wife during her pregnancy. He may not have been ideal and he did go out on occasion, but he still acknowledged that his wife came first. More importantly though was that he did not portray his wife as a demanding, crazy, bitchy, pregnant woman. In fact, it was quite the opposite. For example, Regina gave him permission to go out and party a little after the first six false alarms (which I think is impressive to begin with because I want my husband at my beck and call when I’m that pregnant). He portrayed himself as the ‘bad guy,’ not his hormonal wife by stating: “I was pathetic, but she was forgiving” (82).
Men cannot experience the joys and sorrows of pregnancy or the pain of childbirth (lucky them)! However, why I admired Pollack as a father writer was because he was as involved as he could be in the entire birthing process. We have discussed the emotion that mother writers express during pregnancy and birth, and I was pleasantly surprised at Pollack’s. For example, he was not afraid to show his emotions when his son was first born. In fact, he really began to weep when the nurse pointed to his son’s chin dimple and noted that he was definitely his child. Furthermore, although he could not experience the unbelievable amount of pain his wife encountered, he seemed exceptionally horrified. Afterwards he shouted: “That was horrible!” and “How could they put Regina through it all?” This was shortly followed by “Fuck the process.”
(91).
Although a potential future husband of mine may not be able to deliver a child, I hope that if I’m in a great deal of pain afterwards, he is shouting to someone “Fuck the process” too.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
ALTERnadad
The first section of Alternadad is very different from anything I have read so far. I was initially put off by the crude style of The Kid by Dan Savage, but Neal Pollack takes this to a whole new level. It’s not necessarily the language that puts me off, but rather the actions that Pollack takes. In part I understand that his eccentric lifestyle as a young adult and the company he kept framed his actions and personality, but it is also that environment that puzzles me. Pollack mentions that he felt that some of the people he knew shouldn’t be parents. He questions one couple’s ability to parent as they attributed their daughter’s conception to a bottle of wine, lack of birth control, and a Hawkwind album (11). In this case the child seems an accident. Pollack criticizes this type of parenthood, relaying that a café where people smoked is no place for a child. These actions he suggested are “emblematic of the culture of the neighborhood” (15). This brings up the ultimate question of ‘Why Children?’ With this framework in mind the memoir than proceeds to describe Pollack’s beginning relationship with his wife and how they brought Elijah into the world. Pollack and his wife attempt to have a natural birth, but needless to say things go wrong. At one point Pollack fears losing the baby and his wife. The raw emotion/tone that he sets up here really emphasizes his readiness to be both a husband and father, which I applaud him for. However, it is the lifestyle that he and Regina lead that I find almost hypocritical. Throughout the pregnancy Regina becomes the mother that we have seen in so many other readings. She takes the time to read everything she can get her hands on, is careful with her body etc. The one difference is that she pursues a natural birth. That aside, we then get an accurate description of Pollack. Now as this is written by Pollack I have no choice but to take what he has written about himself seriously. Time and time again Pollack mentions that he drinks and smokes weed, with Regina’s consent no less. I don’t know if I am totally naïve, but this is just wrong behavior for a dad like symbol. Pollack even mentioned that a dad should be someone who eats a hotdog at Costco which seems pretty ordinary to me. Even Dan and Terry gave up their excessive parties etc. to raise a son. Pollack seems to be critical of the parent type he seems to be enabling. Although I myself am critical of this lifestyle, I cannot fully criticize all of Pollack’s actions. He does take the time and effort to find suitable housing for his wife and future child. In this sense he is the provider; an a-typical role of fatherhood. Having the prologue helped me not be overly judgmental of Pollack. Whether that decision was his or the editors, I appreciate it. What we see in the prologue is a man who is tired from staying up with his son, ready to fulfill the responsibility of fatherhood, no matter how tired he is. This in itself is a change from previous fatherhood roles where the father was absent. In a sense I expected Alternadad to be a more representative role of fatherhood in the sense that he would essentially play the ‘mother’ role. In not fulfilling this expectation Alternadad has opened my eyes to several different types of parenthood, otherwise invisible to me.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Queen of the Cul-de-Sac
http://queenoftheculdesac.com/
This is the blog I am reading. It was very difficult for me to choose a blog to read. Too many of them had awful, punny names. One was actually called "A Desperate Housewife." Anyway, this one is funny in a rage against suburbia kind of way.
This is the blog I am reading. It was very difficult for me to choose a blog to read. Too many of them had awful, punny names. One was actually called "A Desperate Housewife." Anyway, this one is funny in a rage against suburbia kind of way.
Blog
The blog I read is called Boobs, Injuries and Dr. Pepper:
http://boobsinjuriesanddrpepper.blogspot.com/search?updated-min=2008-01-01T00%3A00%3A00-06%3A00&updated-max=2009-01-01T00%3A00%3A00-06%3A00&max-results=50
Her about me is:
I have to disagree with Crystal, her blog was absolutely a member of the mommy blog club, mostly because her children aren't perfect and she cusses a lot. What makes blogging more interesting than essays and published books for me was the fact that there was interaction right there in front of me. All of her posts had around 70 responses and she was continually raising money for charities for individuals that needed help. She had a very compelling post about a friend's child who was born with a heart condition that would keep her living in a hospital for the first two years of her life only to go through incredibly risky heart surgery. Her requests for donations weren't for organizations in a lot of cases and I found this rather appealing as a new way of doing things. It felt like she was definitely contributing to citizenship for her readers and herself.
http://boobsinjuriesanddrpepper.blogspot.com/search?updated-min=2008-01-01T00%3A00%3A00-06%3A00&updated-max=2009-01-01T00%3A00%3A00-06%3A00&max-results=50
Her about me is:
- Crystal
- I have a girl, Virginia, who is eight and a boy, Devon, who is fifteen and baby Harmony is this many (1). I'm married to Chris. This is not a mommy blog. My kids aren't perfect & I cuss a lot. I think that disqualifies me from the mommy blog club.
I have to disagree with Crystal, her blog was absolutely a member of the mommy blog club, mostly because her children aren't perfect and she cusses a lot. What makes blogging more interesting than essays and published books for me was the fact that there was interaction right there in front of me. All of her posts had around 70 responses and she was continually raising money for charities for individuals that needed help. She had a very compelling post about a friend's child who was born with a heart condition that would keep her living in a hospital for the first two years of her life only to go through incredibly risky heart surgery. Her requests for donations weren't for organizations in a lot of cases and I found this rather appealing as a new way of doing things. It felt like she was definitely contributing to citizenship for her readers and herself.
Blog exploring
This is the first blog that I was very interested in: http://thenaughtymommy.blogspot.com/
The blogger is "The Naughty Mommy". As can be guessed by the name, this woman is a very unconventional writer. She is basically a mommy sex columnist. Her writing is explicit and gutsy, which is what attracted me to it in the first place. She does not just write about sex though... she writes about her identity now as a mother and her nostalgia for the freedom of the past. She compares a lot from pre-baby to post-baby. Her personality seems to be very free-spirited and she is very honest with even the negative things. Her feelings about her daughter are surprising contrasts to her stories about sex with her husband. The only reason why I didn't just pick this blog was because I think I only have access to about 9 entries, and I'm not even sure if this is an official blog. She has also come out with a book recently called Love in the Time of Colic: The New Parent's Guide to Getting it on Again.
The second blogger is "Her Bad Mother"
This is a woman living in Canada. The blogs that I have read are about her life as a mother and how she is confused by her feelings about motherhood. She loves her children but hates the work that comes with raising kids. She never regrets any of it, but questions whether or not she would ever have one again. (The answer is most likely no). She also questions other women about how they feel when they were put in similar situations. Her writing is comedic and light but expresses the concerns and emotions that I believe most mothers have. She also has a nephew who was diagnosed with Duchenne's Muscular Dystrophy. He is expected to die young. Her Bad Mother also uses her blog, which has a lot of commentors for almost every entry, to promote for a fund raiser that her sister wants to donate to Duchenne's research.
The blogger is "The Naughty Mommy". As can be guessed by the name, this woman is a very unconventional writer. She is basically a mommy sex columnist. Her writing is explicit and gutsy, which is what attracted me to it in the first place. She does not just write about sex though... she writes about her identity now as a mother and her nostalgia for the freedom of the past. She compares a lot from pre-baby to post-baby. Her personality seems to be very free-spirited and she is very honest with even the negative things. Her feelings about her daughter are surprising contrasts to her stories about sex with her husband. The only reason why I didn't just pick this blog was because I think I only have access to about 9 entries, and I'm not even sure if this is an official blog. She has also come out with a book recently called Love in the Time of Colic: The New Parent's Guide to Getting it on Again.
The second blogger is "Her Bad Mother"
This is a woman living in Canada. The blogs that I have read are about her life as a mother and how she is confused by her feelings about motherhood. She loves her children but hates the work that comes with raising kids. She never regrets any of it, but questions whether or not she would ever have one again. (The answer is most likely no). She also questions other women about how they feel when they were put in similar situations. Her writing is comedic and light but expresses the concerns and emotions that I believe most mothers have. She also has a nephew who was diagnosed with Duchenne's Muscular Dystrophy. He is expected to die young. Her Bad Mother also uses her blog, which has a lot of commentors for almost every entry, to promote for a fund raiser that her sister wants to donate to Duchenne's research.
So I have chosen two blogs to focus on because frankly both interest me greatly. The first one is of an American Jew living in Israel raising her children. From what I have gathered from her blog thus far her main goal is to demonstrate how one can raise a Jewish household, in and out of Israel. She seems to be pretty up beat most of the time and answers others questions and responds to others more than I think she discusses her own troubles.
http://mominisrael.blogspot.com/
The second blog, to contrast with the first one, is about a Palestinian woman raising her two children in and out of Gaza. She is a journalist and therefore travels but is confronted constantly with being unable to return to her homeland. She speaks from the heart and therefore I find it very interesting to watch her progress and struggle. Her blog raises the question of how it is possible to raise a family without a home. "We live, for the most part, in a state of constant temporality, and this, more than anything else, has come to define us."
http://a-mother-from-gaza.blogspot.com/
Blog
http://anonymousmom.com/
This is the blog I checked out. While there were some positive posts, I felt the majority of them tended to be negative (especially when the husbands were involved).
This is the blog I checked out. While there were some positive posts, I felt the majority of them tended to be negative (especially when the husbands were involved).
Mommy Confessions blog
The actual search for parenthood blogs was very interesting. I guess I've been kind of naive about the world of blogging. First of all, blogging does not mean only the written word. A lot of the blogs contained pictures and videos. Secondly, I thought that the parenthood blogs would focus mostly on children, like some of the essays we've read. I found that most of the blogs dealt with life in general, their children only a part of the blogging world. Some of the blogs were even done via video, which I found to be an interesting concept. These women had careers; one was a aspiring free lance writer with a kid. Sometimes her posts dealt with trying to balance writing with raising a child, but most of them focused on writing free lance in general and some of the pieces she was working on. The most intriguing blog I found is entitled, Mommy Confessions: Preparing Children for therapy since 2001. I will summarize my findings later, but in the meantime here is the link.
http://sometimesdisgruntled.blogspot.com/
http://sometimesdisgruntled.blogspot.com/
Sunday, November 2, 2008
An Intriguing Paper
While surfing blogs and doing research I came across this website which conducts a study on how parenthood "creates" gender differences and leads to inequality in the household. I found it extremely interesting, especially because of its presentation of a possible reason for mommy madness: "It is argued that as women do housework the activity produces and reproduces a sense of gendered identity." I just thought it might be helpful!
http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_go2771/is_4_38/ai_n28880024/pg_1?tag=artBody;col1
http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_go2771/is_4_38/ai_n28880024/pg_1?tag=artBody;col1
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Domestic Wasteland
In her essay Crossing the Line in the Sand, Elissa Schappell defines quite well, the place where every mother we have read about thus far seems to be rotting away— Domestic Wasteland. “But still, here I am in the domestic wasteland turning more and more shrewish by the moment.” Seemingly, women are unavoidably made into bitches as a result of everything that ensues after a child is born. Women exchange their hopes and dreams (and romance) for dirty diapers, oven mitts, fights about money, a husband they never see and start to resent, etc. On top of all of this, the Domestic Wasteland has a snowball effect on all who dwell within it’s boundaries. Day after day, the once optimistic woman (now a bitch) is the personal secretary to kids (who throw books at her head) and the stress piles up and her bitchiness grows. Soon the bitch is on a roll—gaining volume and speed with every second of everyday, until she crashes, exploding in the faces of her children and husband, crossing the line in the sand. And of course, the bitch of the Domestic Wasteland looks like the bad guy, feeling guilty for what she can’t escape. For those other than the bitch living in Domestic Wasteland, life seems easy. My momhas lived in Domestic Wasteland, and my dad doesn’t get it. I’ll have to admit, for a while I didn’t get it either, but after reading for this class, and doing a little maturing (and I have come to accept that maturing is something I will never see my father do), I see how frustrating it must be for my mother (who is stuck married to my father, stuck taking care of three kids)stuck in Domestic Wasteland), and I take a deep breath, and I understand if my mom has a bitch fit. I don’t think it’s fair that women (mothers/wives) are sentenced to this life in this Domestic Wasteland—permitted to leave, only after it is too late, or maybe, if a bitch is particularly full of nerve, after getting a divorce. Personally, I don’t want to be a slave to Domestic Wasteland, and it scares me to think that if I do acquiesce to society’s standards—get married and have kids, that I will be forever trapped and labeled as a bitch from this dark and scary Domestic Wasteland.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Like Jana I find that I constantly question myself when I am reading about these women. I wonder if I will have the same anger as some of these successful, ambitious women. My own mother was a homemaker and it was planned like that, since she was raised to think that women were always the ones to stay at home and do housework while their husbands worked. It is a traditional mindset that held her back from being able to go to college because her own mother didn't encourage it. Education wasn't as important as finding a husband that could provide the financial support, in my Grandmother's eyes. My Grandmother, of course, was that same exact way - she was my grandfather's third wife (he had 3 wives at a time because it was a symbol of how rich he was). Because of the fact that my mom was expected to be the homemaker, she never really had that schism between work and home. Her anger as a mother mostly came from disciplining my sister and I. As the oldest, I have always been the one to fight with my mother.
Still, a lot of anger comes from lack of a healthy communication. Although communication is a common theme in many of our readings, the kind of communication between my mother and I is a bit different. My mother has lived in the US for more than 15 years and she still can't speak English very well. I, on the other hand, speak mandarin and English and understand Taiwanese and Haka fairly well (my mom uses Haka all the time when she wants to talk about me to her sister and thinks that I don't understand until I say, "HEY! I can hear you!"). Although I try very hard to speak to her in mandarin when we get into arguments, our language barrier is one of the many reasons why we can't fully understand each other. The other major reason is because of the cultures that we were both raised up in. My mother's upbringing was traditional, and although she is now a U.S. citizen, she has not really assimilated to the American culture. This causes much misunderstanding between the two of us because it's hard to explain the way I have adopted some American practices.
We have seen before how motherhood in other cultures are different, but what about cultural differences between mothers and children? I'm glad I don't really have that problem yet, and it is something I seriously think about when I think about my possible future children. After reading about these working mothers I wonder if this is the anger that I will have to deal with - work vs. home - or if I will have to deal with cultural conflicts? And I'm sure there are so many other factors too. Mainly, from our readings I think that the inner-conflicts of these women can lead them to resent themselves. They question if the way they feel is wrong and it has a lot to do with what society expects of them. Their relationships with their husbands is also an additional factor.
Last night after I had finished all of my readings I was talking to my boyfriend on the phone about them and realized my biggest worry. I am not most afraid that I will be a raging bull and hate my children. I think every one of these women we read about except for one has ended up loving their children. My biggest fear is that I will end up with a horrible relationship with my possible future husband. Before this class, I was somehow under the impression that most women's marriages were strengthened after they had children. Yet, many of the readings in our class are the opposite. Maybe the marriage doesn't fall apart, but there is a lot of conflict and tension. I wonder if most working wives feel this way after they have had children, or if it is also common for working wives in general.
Still, a lot of anger comes from lack of a healthy communication. Although communication is a common theme in many of our readings, the kind of communication between my mother and I is a bit different. My mother has lived in the US for more than 15 years and she still can't speak English very well. I, on the other hand, speak mandarin and English and understand Taiwanese and Haka fairly well (my mom uses Haka all the time when she wants to talk about me to her sister and thinks that I don't understand until I say, "HEY! I can hear you!"). Although I try very hard to speak to her in mandarin when we get into arguments, our language barrier is one of the many reasons why we can't fully understand each other. The other major reason is because of the cultures that we were both raised up in. My mother's upbringing was traditional, and although she is now a U.S. citizen, she has not really assimilated to the American culture. This causes much misunderstanding between the two of us because it's hard to explain the way I have adopted some American practices.
We have seen before how motherhood in other cultures are different, but what about cultural differences between mothers and children? I'm glad I don't really have that problem yet, and it is something I seriously think about when I think about my possible future children. After reading about these working mothers I wonder if this is the anger that I will have to deal with - work vs. home - or if I will have to deal with cultural conflicts? And I'm sure there are so many other factors too. Mainly, from our readings I think that the inner-conflicts of these women can lead them to resent themselves. They question if the way they feel is wrong and it has a lot to do with what society expects of them. Their relationships with their husbands is also an additional factor.
Last night after I had finished all of my readings I was talking to my boyfriend on the phone about them and realized my biggest worry. I am not most afraid that I will be a raging bull and hate my children. I think every one of these women we read about except for one has ended up loving their children. My biggest fear is that I will end up with a horrible relationship with my possible future husband. Before this class, I was somehow under the impression that most women's marriages were strengthened after they had children. Yet, many of the readings in our class are the opposite. Maybe the marriage doesn't fall apart, but there is a lot of conflict and tension. I wonder if most working wives feel this way after they have had children, or if it is also common for working wives in general.
Fear of Crossing
Anger as the section title “Mommy Maddest” implies, really comes out full force in these last three essays, especially in Crossing the Line in the Sand. The mother’s anger was the most understandable, but at the same was the most difficult to understand. This woman’s method of dealing with anger was telling the one she was angry at, “I’m allowed to be angry because___.” This seems more of a justification for her actions not only to herself, but also to (in this case) her children.
In part it was the circumstances that were too overwhelming, causing the mother to snap. Her husband is usually a barrier, the one that takes ‘the chair before it folds.’ The children were rambunctious as their routine was off from the night’s entertainment. In truth I find it hard to be critical of the mother at this point, but the routine seems to not be for the kids, but more so for the mother to be able to say this is when I am done. However, I become the most critical/surprised of the mother when she goes after her children, especially the child’s neck. At first I thought that she would just scream, making a bigger deal of the thrown book than it actually was. She did this and more, crossing the line of anger management.
Luckily her child’s pleading reached her and she was able to calm down. The guilt that she feels afterwards, I imagine is only natural. I’m glad she understands that she crossed a line and had the ability to draw another one. At the same time I’m bothered by a couple of ideas. First of all I can’t tell if the mother really went after her child’s neck or if that passion was a literary technique. This leads itself to my next point. Reading the mother’s frustration as an outsider I would like to think that I would have acted differently. I would have screamed, but would at least have the capability of walking out of the room until I was calmer. However, I realize that the boy needs consequences for his actions as his amusement at the mother’s distress was the most frustrating. I don’t know how to take the child’s amusement. The child’s lack of communication through words and ability to translate more so through action seems understandable at the age of three. It’s not as if the child intentionally threw the book at the mother’s face. But within this justification I feel as if I am falsely accusing the mother without having experienced the situation myself. I think there is a level of understanding that can only come from experiencing the trials of parenthood. In itself this is the most frightening aspect. In reading accounts like this I feel like I am able to say I will not act like this mother. But what if the situation is truly as overwhelming as the mother describes? What line will I cross and will I truly be thankful that I can redraw that line?
In part it was the circumstances that were too overwhelming, causing the mother to snap. Her husband is usually a barrier, the one that takes ‘the chair before it folds.’ The children were rambunctious as their routine was off from the night’s entertainment. In truth I find it hard to be critical of the mother at this point, but the routine seems to not be for the kids, but more so for the mother to be able to say this is when I am done. However, I become the most critical/surprised of the mother when she goes after her children, especially the child’s neck. At first I thought that she would just scream, making a bigger deal of the thrown book than it actually was. She did this and more, crossing the line of anger management.
Luckily her child’s pleading reached her and she was able to calm down. The guilt that she feels afterwards, I imagine is only natural. I’m glad she understands that she crossed a line and had the ability to draw another one. At the same time I’m bothered by a couple of ideas. First of all I can’t tell if the mother really went after her child’s neck or if that passion was a literary technique. This leads itself to my next point. Reading the mother’s frustration as an outsider I would like to think that I would have acted differently. I would have screamed, but would at least have the capability of walking out of the room until I was calmer. However, I realize that the boy needs consequences for his actions as his amusement at the mother’s distress was the most frustrating. I don’t know how to take the child’s amusement. The child’s lack of communication through words and ability to translate more so through action seems understandable at the age of three. It’s not as if the child intentionally threw the book at the mother’s face. But within this justification I feel as if I am falsely accusing the mother without having experienced the situation myself. I think there is a level of understanding that can only come from experiencing the trials of parenthood. In itself this is the most frightening aspect. In reading accounts like this I feel like I am able to say I will not act like this mother. But what if the situation is truly as overwhelming as the mother describes? What line will I cross and will I truly be thankful that I can redraw that line?
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Rants!
These essays highlighted a few emotions that I thought were worth thinking about, and ambition is the first one. It concerns me that there are a lot of people who feel like they must focus on their careers to the detriment of their families. Ambition leads to the feeling that there are opportunities that have to be taken advantage of now, while the things that are always there, like family, can be ignored. This is true for a little while. But at what point is it time to stop trying to ensure a certain future and to start appreciating the now. It reminds me a little bit of coming to CMU. How many people are here for their future, and how many are here because its where they wanted to spend four years of their life?
Next, fairness and self-righteousness come to mind. I really hate the you-hurt-me-so-to-be-fair-I'm-going-to-hurt-you attitude. Its not an intentional thing, but that doesn't mean there's an excuse for it to get out of hand. In the essay where the writer talks about how talking about the problem solved it for a little while, I kept thinking, well why not keep talking about it? Suppose you want or need another person to sacrifice or change something. How is attacking them and making them defensive going to accomplish this? It also doesn't make the attacker feel any better. Ever. One of the greatest temptations in the world is the desire for the tit-for-tat, petty revenges.
Daddy Dearest angered me the most of any of the essays. Here's a father whose finally taking initiative and knows what's going on in his daughter's life. Except he doesn't know what's going on in his wife's life. I think that being in a relationship means that it is never just about the individual. Every decision needs to be made with an awareness of how it affects the other. So realize that by trying to steal your daughter from your wife, you are trying to damage their relationship. And how is that going to be at all beneficial to you?
On an unrelated note, has anyone seen the McCain commercials where they criticize Obama for wanting to spread the wealth? Its basically a bunch of people getting interviewed and saying, "I don't want my hard earned money getting turned into government spending." I think this is the kind of individualism that Warner criticizes in the Perfect Madness. Go it alone, work hard for yourself, screw everyone else. I wonder what would happen if these people read Rachel in the World, or Life As We Know It. Yes, the government is inefficient in its spending, but it does provide a lot of great and necessary programs. Above a certain income level, I just don't see why people need more money. If we quantified happiness, and hypothesized that there is a 1% (overestimate) increase in comfort when one's salary goes from 1 million to 2 million dollars, is this really better than a 10% (underestimate) increase in comfort which could be achieved by giving $10,000 to 200 people, potentially bumping them out of poverty? But hey, the million dollar family worked for it. They earned it. Never mind what advantages they started life out with, or what breaks they got along the way, its theirs! Man. Politics.
Next, fairness and self-righteousness come to mind. I really hate the you-hurt-me-so-to-be-fair-I'm-going-to-hurt-you attitude. Its not an intentional thing, but that doesn't mean there's an excuse for it to get out of hand. In the essay where the writer talks about how talking about the problem solved it for a little while, I kept thinking, well why not keep talking about it? Suppose you want or need another person to sacrifice or change something. How is attacking them and making them defensive going to accomplish this? It also doesn't make the attacker feel any better. Ever. One of the greatest temptations in the world is the desire for the tit-for-tat, petty revenges.
Daddy Dearest angered me the most of any of the essays. Here's a father whose finally taking initiative and knows what's going on in his daughter's life. Except he doesn't know what's going on in his wife's life. I think that being in a relationship means that it is never just about the individual. Every decision needs to be made with an awareness of how it affects the other. So realize that by trying to steal your daughter from your wife, you are trying to damage their relationship. And how is that going to be at all beneficial to you?
On an unrelated note, has anyone seen the McCain commercials where they criticize Obama for wanting to spread the wealth? Its basically a bunch of people getting interviewed and saying, "I don't want my hard earned money getting turned into government spending." I think this is the kind of individualism that Warner criticizes in the Perfect Madness. Go it alone, work hard for yourself, screw everyone else. I wonder what would happen if these people read Rachel in the World, or Life As We Know It. Yes, the government is inefficient in its spending, but it does provide a lot of great and necessary programs. Above a certain income level, I just don't see why people need more money. If we quantified happiness, and hypothesized that there is a 1% (overestimate) increase in comfort when one's salary goes from 1 million to 2 million dollars, is this really better than a 10% (underestimate) increase in comfort which could be achieved by giving $10,000 to 200 people, potentially bumping them out of poverty? But hey, the million dollar family worked for it. They earned it. Never mind what advantages they started life out with, or what breaks they got along the way, its theirs! Man. Politics.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Mishpaha
After reading My Mother's Ring by Helen Schulman I couldn't help but think about my own family crises. Reading about Helen's father I couldn't help but think of my own father. My father was diagnosed with a brain tumor when I was six years old. It is very difficult for me to recall the events from around that time. What i do remember is being terrified and alone. My father was in the hospital, my mother was absent, and my grandmother came up to take care of us (5 kids).
My mother during this time was working in New York City and commuting each day from our home in Jersey into the city. She was an editor for Shma: A Journal of Jewish Responsibility. I don't know what my mother did day in and day out, I just remember her not being around. If she was around she was asleep. Schulman phrases her concern this way "I knew they would be very upset to wake up and not find me home. They'd never woken up to not find me home before." and I am almost sure that my mother felt the same way. While my mother had been absent just the year before, when my grandfather was diagnosed with lung cancer, it did not make her absence any less apparent and difficult for us children.
While my grandmother did come up to help around the house, and while we did have a nanny to stay with us in the harshest of times, my mother was still the one to prepare shabbat dinners each week, she was still mentally present to ask us each week what the highlight of our week was (as was the friday night dinner tradition). But even with all the help the stress still got to my mother. I never saw her angry and she never yelled, but I think that was more because she was exhausted than anything else. "What happens to a person when she suddenly finds herself more powerful than the most powerful people in her life? My parents, who after all gave me life, shepherded me through childhood that surprisingly seemed to extend itself way into adulthood, gave me love and advice, lent me money, cared for me when I was sick, baby-sat my kids so my husband and I could go to the movies... my parents were suddenly both weak, vulnerable, small." I never saw her angry, but I did see her cry.
At age six I had never seen my mother cry. At her father's funeral I don't remember a tear falling from her gorgeous and delicate brown eyes. But one night in the middle of my father's hospitalization I saw my mother sitting on the end of her bed, head in her hands crying. What do you do when you suddenly find yourself more powerful than those most powerful in your life? I gave her a hug. Schulman distanced herself from her own husband, she did not want to wear her mother's ring, so where was the comfort in her life supposed to be coming from. To make it through hard times you need to feel loved. My family made it through together and only together.
My mother during this time was working in New York City and commuting each day from our home in Jersey into the city. She was an editor for Shma: A Journal of Jewish Responsibility. I don't know what my mother did day in and day out, I just remember her not being around. If she was around she was asleep. Schulman phrases her concern this way "I knew they would be very upset to wake up and not find me home. They'd never woken up to not find me home before." and I am almost sure that my mother felt the same way. While my mother had been absent just the year before, when my grandfather was diagnosed with lung cancer, it did not make her absence any less apparent and difficult for us children.
While my grandmother did come up to help around the house, and while we did have a nanny to stay with us in the harshest of times, my mother was still the one to prepare shabbat dinners each week, she was still mentally present to ask us each week what the highlight of our week was (as was the friday night dinner tradition). But even with all the help the stress still got to my mother. I never saw her angry and she never yelled, but I think that was more because she was exhausted than anything else. "What happens to a person when she suddenly finds herself more powerful than the most powerful people in her life? My parents, who after all gave me life, shepherded me through childhood that surprisingly seemed to extend itself way into adulthood, gave me love and advice, lent me money, cared for me when I was sick, baby-sat my kids so my husband and I could go to the movies... my parents were suddenly both weak, vulnerable, small." I never saw her angry, but I did see her cry.
At age six I had never seen my mother cry. At her father's funeral I don't remember a tear falling from her gorgeous and delicate brown eyes. But one night in the middle of my father's hospitalization I saw my mother sitting on the end of her bed, head in her hands crying. What do you do when you suddenly find yourself more powerful than those most powerful in your life? I gave her a hug. Schulman distanced herself from her own husband, she did not want to wear her mother's ring, so where was the comfort in her life supposed to be coming from. To make it through hard times you need to feel loved. My family made it through together and only together.
My Future
Wow, what a downer. With each of these essays from the Bitch in the House more of the disheartening and terrifying side of married life is shown and this time from all sides. Right after reading the essay of how unfair one woman's marriage was with her dotcom husband I vowed that I would make any partner of mine be sure that they knew what they were getting into with kids and that I wouldn't always have to be the one picking up the pieces. Then, the very next essay showed the negative effects competing over your child with your partner. Now I have to be terrified that if I am too nervous about not being able to share everything equally that I will push my relationships into competitive time bombs that will undoubtly explode.
Both of these opposite problems seem to have the same core problem though. They both have forgotten that raising a child is a joined process which two people share. Both parents need to be seen as an agreeable team that will get through the difficult stuff as well as the fun easy stuff together. While these women seem somewhat better at communicating with their husbands than earlier essay's writers with their boyfriends, they couldn't solve their logistical and therefore emotional problems. When Edelman comments that she didn't realize what she was getting into with her husband following the carreer path he chose I got the sense that maybe he hadn't known either. And the competition shown by Abraham seemed more driven by both of their individual personalities. However, both of these problems seem much scarier to me than the earlier essays in The Bitch in The House because they both seem much harder to solve. They are here because of very real situations that I can see happening to myself and these are much harder to shrug off as just something that I simply won't let happen to me.
But at the same time I agree with Amanda that the couple in My Mother's Ring who still manages to kiss after everything that they've been through physically, is awe inspiring. The story of the author's mother losing her ring at the beginning of the essay and their marriage had me expecting the worst, but they actually seemed like a stable loving couple. And by the end of the crunch period of her husband's company the author of The Myth of Co-Parenting they seem to be happy and they seem to be equals. I'm impressed and I'm not giving up. These glimmers of love and equality are endearing and I'm hoping that they're worth it.
Both of these opposite problems seem to have the same core problem though. They both have forgotten that raising a child is a joined process which two people share. Both parents need to be seen as an agreeable team that will get through the difficult stuff as well as the fun easy stuff together. While these women seem somewhat better at communicating with their husbands than earlier essay's writers with their boyfriends, they couldn't solve their logistical and therefore emotional problems. When Edelman comments that she didn't realize what she was getting into with her husband following the carreer path he chose I got the sense that maybe he hadn't known either. And the competition shown by Abraham seemed more driven by both of their individual personalities. However, both of these problems seem much scarier to me than the earlier essays in The Bitch in The House because they both seem much harder to solve. They are here because of very real situations that I can see happening to myself and these are much harder to shrug off as just something that I simply won't let happen to me.
But at the same time I agree with Amanda that the couple in My Mother's Ring who still manages to kiss after everything that they've been through physically, is awe inspiring. The story of the author's mother losing her ring at the beginning of the essay and their marriage had me expecting the worst, but they actually seemed like a stable loving couple. And by the end of the crunch period of her husband's company the author of The Myth of Co-Parenting they seem to be happy and they seem to be equals. I'm impressed and I'm not giving up. These glimmers of love and equality are endearing and I'm hoping that they're worth it.
A Happy Ending???
Most of the literature we have read so far this semester has left a negative impact on me. Most of this literature has made me wonder, why do people get married? And why in the world do they have kids? Overall, negative feelings seem to surround marriage and kids. The Bitch in the House was no exception. Women whined about their husbands, their kids, their dual roles of mother and wife. Yet, within the negativity, frustration, and anxiety that filled these short stories, I was able to find a positive link to the popular film, The Notebook, which helped restore my faith in the decision to get married and have kids.
The Notebook, which is one of my favorite movies of all times, is a love story between Noah and Allie Calhoun. The story of their actual marriage and of raising kids is never shown, but what is shown is their life as an old couple, one with heart problems and the other with Alzheimer’s. Their bodies have grown weak, but their love has only grown stronger. Even when Allie, with Alzheimer’s cannot always remember her husband and must live in a supported living environment, Noah comments, “That's my sweetheart in there. Wherever she is, that's where my home is.” Their love after all their years ago is inspiring, intimidating, and exceptionally moving.
Although the story “My Mother’s Ring” was about the balancing act between wife, mother, and daughter, the same kind of Notebook story was shown briefly in the mother’s parents. The mother’s parents both suffered from old age issues. The mother highlights this scenario of her parents at the hospital:
“My father couldn’t lift himself out of the wheelchair and stand, and my mother couldn’t bend forward in her hospital bed to meet him because of the pain and all those tubes and wires hooked up to all those machines, but still by some miracle of determination my parents managed to kiss each other” (157).
Allie was Noah’s world. The mother’s father (in referencing her mother) noted, “She was his entire world” (155). Could it be that the rough years of early marriage and the torment of kids is worth it in the end? Could the hard times only make love stronger so that when a couple has reached old age they are everything to each other?
It seems to me that beneath all of the hell of kids and “wonderful” husbands in the early years of marriage, there is still the love. Either the couple will remember that love and push through the frustration that seems to plague all the women we have read about so far or they will fall apart. It seems to me t hat marriage is rough and kids are equated with absolute chaos. Maybe marriage is hard? Maybe raising kids really is hell? Maybe everything is as frustrating and difficult as these mothers describe, but if in the end you can still by some miracle kiss each other despite the pain and hospital equipment, then maybe, just maybe it is all worth it.
The Notebook, which is one of my favorite movies of all times, is a love story between Noah and Allie Calhoun. The story of their actual marriage and of raising kids is never shown, but what is shown is their life as an old couple, one with heart problems and the other with Alzheimer’s. Their bodies have grown weak, but their love has only grown stronger. Even when Allie, with Alzheimer’s cannot always remember her husband and must live in a supported living environment, Noah comments, “That's my sweetheart in there. Wherever she is, that's where my home is.” Their love after all their years ago is inspiring, intimidating, and exceptionally moving.
Although the story “My Mother’s Ring” was about the balancing act between wife, mother, and daughter, the same kind of Notebook story was shown briefly in the mother’s parents. The mother’s parents both suffered from old age issues. The mother highlights this scenario of her parents at the hospital:
“My father couldn’t lift himself out of the wheelchair and stand, and my mother couldn’t bend forward in her hospital bed to meet him because of the pain and all those tubes and wires hooked up to all those machines, but still by some miracle of determination my parents managed to kiss each other” (157).
Allie was Noah’s world. The mother’s father (in referencing her mother) noted, “She was his entire world” (155). Could it be that the rough years of early marriage and the torment of kids is worth it in the end? Could the hard times only make love stronger so that when a couple has reached old age they are everything to each other?
It seems to me that beneath all of the hell of kids and “wonderful” husbands in the early years of marriage, there is still the love. Either the couple will remember that love and push through the frustration that seems to plague all the women we have read about so far or they will fall apart. It seems to me t hat marriage is rough and kids are equated with absolute chaos. Maybe marriage is hard? Maybe raising kids really is hell? Maybe everything is as frustrating and difficult as these mothers describe, but if in the end you can still by some miracle kiss each other despite the pain and hospital equipment, then maybe, just maybe it is all worth it.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Themes
Life as We Know It seemed to take a more accessible voice in the second half of our reading. It also brought out the theme of the working parent/writer. Although Berube was not writing this book at the time, he was still teaching, grading etc. His familial obligations caused him to “[learn] to work extremely quickly in short bursts, never knowing when I would next be interrupted…” (145). We saw this theme in other works, but never from the point of view of a father. From this book I gain the appreciation of the father as a forefront parent rather than one in the background as he so often has been portrayed. This is probably in part due to the fact that we have mostly been reading works by women. In reading Berube, I can’t help but compare his style to someone like Bernstein. Bernstein’s work was real on such an emotional level. Through her language she not only evokes empathy, but she also calls for a change in medical funding for the retarded or disabled. Berube, however is not as sentimental in his call for change, rather he relies more on facts. However, Berube still touches on the emotional level, but in a very different manner. Where Bernstein was more empathetic, Berube’s tone was more ‘silly.’ This word is not necessarily the right one; however, in a way this silly tone lends itself to the realness of Jaime. I think Berube’s main point throughout this entire book is that Jaime is human, just like everyone else. In relating Jaime’s developmental stories, (for exp. his first word, ‘oops’) Berube points out that the Jaime understands, but is just slow to communicate. The fact that Jaime’s communication skills and physical disabilities are aided by not only his interaction with his family, but also of ‘normal’ classmates, only adds to the statement that Jaime is no less human than anyone else.
Another theme that we have seen which Berube touches on is sitters/nannies. But where most other authors touched on the difficulty of attaining a nanny, Berube looked at the nanny from a different perspective. First and foremost, the most interesting thing about the Special Sitter Class was that Berube was attending it for himself; i.e. to learn how to take care of his own child. I admire him in this aspect, as he yet again takes on an immediate and caring father role. In the meantime he still manages to become more aware of the type of help he needs and the price (possible abuse) with which it comes as well as what it pays ($5-6/hr).
Communication is another important theme. Most of the other works we have read dealt with the verbal communication between adults and government, mothers and other mothers etc. In Life as We Know It some of these communication interactions occur, but the reader is introduced to a new non-verbal form i.e. sign language. Sign language is not a new concept, but it was interesting to note the different connotations behind it. Some people, for instance saw signing as Native American Indian ‘speech,’ while others saw it as a prevention of the ability to talk. Since communication is that much harder for Down Syndrome children, I personally, and Berube would probably agree, take the ability to sign as a form of intelligence.
Another theme that we have seen which Berube touches on is sitters/nannies. But where most other authors touched on the difficulty of attaining a nanny, Berube looked at the nanny from a different perspective. First and foremost, the most interesting thing about the Special Sitter Class was that Berube was attending it for himself; i.e. to learn how to take care of his own child. I admire him in this aspect, as he yet again takes on an immediate and caring father role. In the meantime he still manages to become more aware of the type of help he needs and the price (possible abuse) with which it comes as well as what it pays ($5-6/hr).
Communication is another important theme. Most of the other works we have read dealt with the verbal communication between adults and government, mothers and other mothers etc. In Life as We Know It some of these communication interactions occur, but the reader is introduced to a new non-verbal form i.e. sign language. Sign language is not a new concept, but it was interesting to note the different connotations behind it. Some people, for instance saw signing as Native American Indian ‘speech,’ while others saw it as a prevention of the ability to talk. Since communication is that much harder for Down Syndrome children, I personally, and Berube would probably agree, take the ability to sign as a form of intelligence.
It is an interesting dilemma, I think, that the American people are so focused on their rights to privacy but at the same time are so focused on getting government funding for causes of their own interest. It is not my place to say whether this issue or another is more deserving of funding. Berube and Bernstein argue that more government funding should be spent on education and living for disabled peoples. Judith Warner in her Perfect Madness, seems to argue that women should be getting some form of governmental support to raise a family in America (much like some European countries). A question that I have is a question of rights and obligations: Who in our society is obligated to care for disabled peoples? If everyone is obligated (as Berube is wont to believe) to aid in the support of these disabled peoples then who has the right to dictate what is best for them? If everyone is obligated to aid in the support of disabled people does everyone also have the right to know about their lives?
I feel like Berube walks a very fine line between a desire for privacy and a desire for fiscal aid. It is my opinion that a society should help raise a child, much like the African proverb suggests. Therefore it is of my opinion that the some tax dollars should in fact be destined for the education and living facilities for disable peoples. Berube poses this problem "So, dear reader, be you a chimey sweep or a chairman of the board, do you have any obligations to the Jamies in your midst? Why is it possible for us to believe that we may, and so easy for is to act as if we do not?" (232). What does it say about the American society that we do not feel the need to support our fellow citizens? Or rather that we do feel the need and obligation and more frighteningly do nothing about it?
Berube discusses in his final chapter the need to place "disabled" children in the classrooms with "normal" children. He puzzles at the legislation that varies state to state about whether they in fact share classrooms. It seems that American society has inherrent in it some sort of fear of those different. That those people with some disabilities do not share the same rights as those who are "normal." What sort of lesson do we teach our own children if we insist that disabled children should be separated from everyone else. According to Berube, Jamie learns better in the presence of other fully functioning children, he learns better from reward, he learns better, in a sense, from peer pressure. So, is it not an obligation of this society to aid in the education of these disabled children without any sacrifice on our part?
To return to the first point, do I have an obligation to help someone else's child? And if I do, do I have a right to know something about their lives? It is a question of Roe v. Wade and it is a question that I believe the Supreme Court is continuously battling. In my opinion, Yes, we have an obligation to help someone else's child. But No, we do not have any right to peak into their lives simply with our money.
I feel like Berube walks a very fine line between a desire for privacy and a desire for fiscal aid. It is my opinion that a society should help raise a child, much like the African proverb suggests. Therefore it is of my opinion that the some tax dollars should in fact be destined for the education and living facilities for disable peoples. Berube poses this problem "So, dear reader, be you a chimey sweep or a chairman of the board, do you have any obligations to the Jamies in your midst? Why is it possible for us to believe that we may, and so easy for is to act as if we do not?" (232). What does it say about the American society that we do not feel the need to support our fellow citizens? Or rather that we do feel the need and obligation and more frighteningly do nothing about it?
Berube discusses in his final chapter the need to place "disabled" children in the classrooms with "normal" children. He puzzles at the legislation that varies state to state about whether they in fact share classrooms. It seems that American society has inherrent in it some sort of fear of those different. That those people with some disabilities do not share the same rights as those who are "normal." What sort of lesson do we teach our own children if we insist that disabled children should be separated from everyone else. According to Berube, Jamie learns better in the presence of other fully functioning children, he learns better from reward, he learns better, in a sense, from peer pressure. So, is it not an obligation of this society to aid in the education of these disabled children without any sacrifice on our part?
To return to the first point, do I have an obligation to help someone else's child? And if I do, do I have a right to know something about their lives? It is a question of Roe v. Wade and it is a question that I believe the Supreme Court is continuously battling. In my opinion, Yes, we have an obligation to help someone else's child. But No, we do not have any right to peak into their lives simply with our money.
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