Always Guilty?

One of the main issues that has come up in the readings we’ve done this semester is the overwhelming feeling of guilt women experience during motherhood. Even in Alternadad, when the story is told by the father, the mother’s guilt manages to surface. Neal Pollack (although not the ‘cool’ dad he thinks he is in my opinion) is a good father. He does what he feels is best for his child, whether it is taking him to gymnastics or swimming lessons. He also misses his child sincerely when he is not with him. However, what Pollack lacks is the guilt that his wife feels.
When Neal and Regina decide to send Elijah off to school Regina’s guilt is clearly articulated. The separation from her child leaves her making comments that question her role as Elijah’s mother. First she comments, “I feel like a bad mother” (209). While Elijah is at school she later asks Neal, “Are you sure he doesn’t hate us” (213)? While Neal misses Elijah too, he does not express these concerns. He does not feel guilty. Why is it that only the mother feels guilt in these circumstances? After all, it was both parents’ decisions to take Elijah to school at this early age. Both of them left him for the day. Yet, while Neal may miss his child and worry about him, he does not feel guilty like Regina.

What I found most interesting was that even though this was Neal’s story, a father’s story, the mother’s guilt was still present. Regina’s guilt is more hidden in Alternadad since it is Neal’s story, but it was still there in both obvious and subtle ways. Neal even acknowledged Regina’s guilt. “Regina isn’t normally a guilt-ridden person, but motherhood ratchets up the guilt stakes” (210).

My older cousin Leslie just had her first child last February (Andrew). A few weekends ago we were at a family wedding and she was telling me just how exhausted she was (even though the dark circles under her eyes said it all). Baby Andrew was being passed all around the reception hall between family members. My mother and my aunt had him for a significant portion of the evening. Leslie deserved a break and Andrew is adorable so everyone wanted to hold him. Plus, Leslie was in the wedding party and had plenty going on throughout the evening. However, later on when I was talking to her, she expressed to me that she was feeling really guilty that she had not been holding and taking care of Andrew more that evening. She constantly was coming over and making sure everything was ok and that whoever was holding him at the time was ok. It was as though, even being separated from him in the same room and not being the only one taking care of him, was causing her guilt.

Is there a way for mothers to avoid this guilt-trap? It sure doesn’t seem so. My question and fear at the same time is whether or not mothers always feel guilty? Did I send him to school too early? Did I stop breastfeeding too soon? Did I make the right decision about this and that? Both parents have a responsibility to a child and both parents aid in the decision-making process for their kids, so why then is the mother the only one racked with guilt?