Searching for Bobby Fischer has been an enjoyable movie so far. I'm getting a kick out of the many glances between Josh and the cocky little collared shirt kid. I do have trouble believing that CLCS kid has been playing chess constantly since age 4. How would you even know if a kid is good at chess at age 4? I guess if the kid was actually playing then it might be a good sign. But if you've got a kid who can play chess well at that age, wouldn't that mean you've got a kid who is probably going to be really smart at other things too? Why go all in for chess?
Anyway, I was pretty disappointed with the dad when Josh was asking him what would happen if he lost. How is, "It's not going to happen, don't worry about it?" a good answer? That's just saying that a loss is incomprehensible and possibly incomprehensibly bad. Would it have been so hard to say something like, "Well, then we'll go home, have dinner, you'll go to school on Monday, practice some more, and then get 'em again at the next one."
This is also kind of something I've talked about with Katie. Should a kid be doing lots of things or focusing on just one thing? I never had a thing growing up, but Katie was really into riding - competitions, every day at the barn, every summer at the barn, that sort of thing. I guess I think that if that's what the kid wants to do, then sure, do the one thing and be good at it. But then there is that line of when do I push the kid to be really good? Josh obviously likes chess, but does he want to be really good? The dad sees that potential and is ready to push, but the mom does not want to push. Who is right? Suppose kid does turn out really, really good, but isn't happy or well-adjusted? Was it worth it? What if kid turns out happy anyway? What if he doesn't actually turn out really good? What if he turns out unhappy even without being pushed? Is not pushing just a concession, a deprivation of the chance to even be really good? Is it that important to be really good? What is good enough? I hope I have a kid that's just above-average and don't have to worry about this. But then am I limiting my kid already by not wanting him/her to have some sort of outstanding attribute? Ahh! I don't know!
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Last Blog Post
Looking back on this semester, I feel confident saying that this class has been the most influential and impacting part of my past three months. I have seen Searching for Bobby Fischer before, however this time, the meaning was so much more critical and applicable to life. All of the readings we have done, and all of the discussions we have had have been very effective and meeaningful. At the beginning of the semester Professor Newman said, among many of the other intended reasons for the course, that she essentially wanted to raise our awareness of the roller coaster ride of relationships and parenting, “before it is too late.” I think that over the course of the semester, especially with my recent creating of my parenting utopia, that the class did exactly that. You might assign a negative connotation to “before it’s too late,” but that is not the case this time, at all. I was very ignorant to the society in which I had been a resident all my life. I have a greater understanding of what my parents have gone through, with respect to marriage and raising me. I can reflect on and think about what other people’s parents have gone through, and what I want and do not want to go through. I feel like I have now established enough of a pool of knowledge to avoid these pitfalls and heartbreaks, and to know that sometimes things are unavoidable, but can always be looked at as something to enhance life, rather than destroy it. I also am relieved to know that there is always a way to vent about these ensuing problems, via creative writing and blogging. I look forward to watching the rest of the movie tomorrow and continuing my interpretation and view of it with the important scope and mindset that I have gathered this semester throughout this course. I also want to let everyone know that I appreciate and have benefited from their honesty and I thank you for letting me be so honest throughout the semester. CMU needs more classes like this one!
Movie Themes
At the heart of the movie, Searching For Bobby Fischer, is a father’s drive to help his son cultivate a natural talent at chess. This movie explores what a woman predicted from Perfect Madness: mothers push their children because they fear that they are not able to do or give their children the best. It is interesting that this idea was initially in the form of a mother’s reaction towards her children, but in the movie the narrative follows the path of a father. I think this kind of hits on a second theme that the class has toyed with; gender roles.
The father is the breadwinner of the household, the mother seeming to play every bit the housewife. We see her cleaning, preparing dinner, transporting children to and from school etc. while the husband works as a sports writer/commentator. What’s interesting is that the movie doesn’t play up the gender specific roles; instead it focuses on the emotional roles of mother and father. In part I think we have not read about this because it is more of a spectacle than anything else. A writer would also not be able to carry his/her own agency if he/she were to imagine or infer what his/her spouse was feeling. The emotional characteristics of the mother seem to fall on the stereotypical nurturing persona of motherhood. Thus the mother is seen as an intermediary between her husband and child. In one particular scene the mother breaks her shell of normal complacency she when she tells her husband that the child will not stop playing chess with the bums in the park. The father’s emotional characteristics involve his father/son bond. In the sports field we see the father root for his son’s success in baseball. In one particular scene the father/son bond is really clear when the father helps his son fix a baseball glove. The emotional background of the father isn’t necessarily typical of the father, but perhaps the stereotype stems more from the image of a father throwing a baseball with his son.
As an audience member we see the frustration of the son in his transformation from chess being just a game to something more of a competition and pressure to be the best. I actually can really identify with this boy’s emotional conflict. When you are good there is a pressure to stay on top. However, there is always a fear of losing and what the consequences are for that failure; what does that mean not only to oneself, but also to those who support you? In a way I’m glad that the boy threw the game in the end, if not to prove his unhappiness as a way to show his father that there is more to life. However, I also think that the boy will always have a fear of success. Does this mean that every time he does well he gives up? This is just something to think about.
Lastly, I would just briefly like to mention that the sibling relationship and how that is stereotypical, but at the same time diverges from that stereotype. The initial stereotype is that the boy plays baseball, while the girl plays house. The mother virtually shows the girl how to be a mother by taking her shopping for groceries, while the son is left to play chess or baseball. In part this is because the girl is young. The stereotype divergence occurs a little bit when the brother takes the time to play with his sister and also her communicative skills via words and hugs/kisses towards him. It is not often, at least in my experience, that children want to be with the one other. But then again, this might turn out to be a stereotypical big brother protection.
The father is the breadwinner of the household, the mother seeming to play every bit the housewife. We see her cleaning, preparing dinner, transporting children to and from school etc. while the husband works as a sports writer/commentator. What’s interesting is that the movie doesn’t play up the gender specific roles; instead it focuses on the emotional roles of mother and father. In part I think we have not read about this because it is more of a spectacle than anything else. A writer would also not be able to carry his/her own agency if he/she were to imagine or infer what his/her spouse was feeling. The emotional characteristics of the mother seem to fall on the stereotypical nurturing persona of motherhood. Thus the mother is seen as an intermediary between her husband and child. In one particular scene the mother breaks her shell of normal complacency she when she tells her husband that the child will not stop playing chess with the bums in the park. The father’s emotional characteristics involve his father/son bond. In the sports field we see the father root for his son’s success in baseball. In one particular scene the father/son bond is really clear when the father helps his son fix a baseball glove. The emotional background of the father isn’t necessarily typical of the father, but perhaps the stereotype stems more from the image of a father throwing a baseball with his son.
As an audience member we see the frustration of the son in his transformation from chess being just a game to something more of a competition and pressure to be the best. I actually can really identify with this boy’s emotional conflict. When you are good there is a pressure to stay on top. However, there is always a fear of losing and what the consequences are for that failure; what does that mean not only to oneself, but also to those who support you? In a way I’m glad that the boy threw the game in the end, if not to prove his unhappiness as a way to show his father that there is more to life. However, I also think that the boy will always have a fear of success. Does this mean that every time he does well he gives up? This is just something to think about.
Lastly, I would just briefly like to mention that the sibling relationship and how that is stereotypical, but at the same time diverges from that stereotype. The initial stereotype is that the boy plays baseball, while the girl plays house. The mother virtually shows the girl how to be a mother by taking her shopping for groceries, while the son is left to play chess or baseball. In part this is because the girl is young. The stereotype divergence occurs a little bit when the brother takes the time to play with his sister and also her communicative skills via words and hugs/kisses towards him. It is not often, at least in my experience, that children want to be with the one other. But then again, this might turn out to be a stereotypical big brother protection.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Gender Roles
My fiancee, Katie, and I flew to my home for Thanksgiving break. This was the first opportunity we've had for her to meet some of my high school friends and extended family. It was also our first run in with gender roles, and I felt like I was in E.S. Maduro's essay from The Bitch in the House.
In that essay, the author thinks she's met this wonderful guy who is all about dividing up domestic work equally and doesn't expect her to spend her time on "woman's work." But then they go to visit his family over a holiday, and what happens? He turns into the stereotypical man. His mother does all of the cleaning and food making, and he doesn't even offer to help! And then she finds that she's invited to help clean up and make food, and anyway, she feels like she ought to be helping out anyway. Or at least, I think this is what happened in the essay. It's a little confusing because it's almost exactly what happened when we went home.
My mom (and my dad, actually) made all of the meals (including Thanksgiving dinner) and I never offered to help. I set the table once. They did most of the cleanup too. I emptied the dishwasher occasionally, and always cleaned up my own dishes (most of the time), but I wasn't making an effort to clean up after everyone. And I don't really know how to feel about this. My parents didn't expect me to do more than I did, and it certainly didn't annoy them that they were doing most of the work. I know how much I need to do to keep them happy, and it's not a lot. And the amount I do now, and that I do without whining, probably makes it seem like I've come a long way.
But there were other times when I cleaned up when I didn't want to, when I felt like I got suckered into it. These were the times when Katie offered to do the dishes, and I couldn't just abandon her. So the two of us ended up doing more than we needed to, and Katie felt like she didn't do enough.
And then there was the one time I did abandon her to play basketball with my friends. I left after dinner while several relatives were still there. My parents had no problem with that, as I had planned the basketball first, but Katie was displeased. Never, in her family, do you leave a gathering of relatives to hang out with your friends. This seems misguided to me. Relatives will always be relatives, but friends can fall out of touch and cease being friends.
Anyway, when I returned two and a half hours later, Katie was washing the dishes and was obviously pissed (which is awkward with parents around because we have to suppress this tension). How come I got to go out and have fun, and she got stuck doing dishes? She said she still had a lot of fun with my relatives after I left, but still, I left! She got stuck with the woman's work!
There was another incident where I went upstairs to do some work on my computer and my mom asked Katie if she wanted to help make a pie. Katie said sure, because she's unfailingly polite, and helped. We both know that something like this is also an opportunity for my mom to spend time with her, which is of course nice, but still - I was allowed to go off and do my own important work, and she got stuck in the kitchen.
There were more examples as well, one of the larger ones being that Katie kept feeling like she was doing stuff wrong, so that my mom kept subtly (and nicely) correcting her. I think the worst part is that we don't know how to fix this. We decided it would get better in time as she gets more comfortable in my house. But one of the biggest problems is that Katie likes cooking, doesn't mind doing dishes, etc. Yet when she's doing this because she feels like she's supposed to (because she's the girl), it makes her miserable.
Other than that, and that it took 11 hours to get home from Philadelphia (which means I'm posting this today, instead of as last week's entry, which it is), Thanksgiving was fun.
In that essay, the author thinks she's met this wonderful guy who is all about dividing up domestic work equally and doesn't expect her to spend her time on "woman's work." But then they go to visit his family over a holiday, and what happens? He turns into the stereotypical man. His mother does all of the cleaning and food making, and he doesn't even offer to help! And then she finds that she's invited to help clean up and make food, and anyway, she feels like she ought to be helping out anyway. Or at least, I think this is what happened in the essay. It's a little confusing because it's almost exactly what happened when we went home.
My mom (and my dad, actually) made all of the meals (including Thanksgiving dinner) and I never offered to help. I set the table once. They did most of the cleanup too. I emptied the dishwasher occasionally, and always cleaned up my own dishes (most of the time), but I wasn't making an effort to clean up after everyone. And I don't really know how to feel about this. My parents didn't expect me to do more than I did, and it certainly didn't annoy them that they were doing most of the work. I know how much I need to do to keep them happy, and it's not a lot. And the amount I do now, and that I do without whining, probably makes it seem like I've come a long way.
But there were other times when I cleaned up when I didn't want to, when I felt like I got suckered into it. These were the times when Katie offered to do the dishes, and I couldn't just abandon her. So the two of us ended up doing more than we needed to, and Katie felt like she didn't do enough.
And then there was the one time I did abandon her to play basketball with my friends. I left after dinner while several relatives were still there. My parents had no problem with that, as I had planned the basketball first, but Katie was displeased. Never, in her family, do you leave a gathering of relatives to hang out with your friends. This seems misguided to me. Relatives will always be relatives, but friends can fall out of touch and cease being friends.
Anyway, when I returned two and a half hours later, Katie was washing the dishes and was obviously pissed (which is awkward with parents around because we have to suppress this tension). How come I got to go out and have fun, and she got stuck doing dishes? She said she still had a lot of fun with my relatives after I left, but still, I left! She got stuck with the woman's work!
There was another incident where I went upstairs to do some work on my computer and my mom asked Katie if she wanted to help make a pie. Katie said sure, because she's unfailingly polite, and helped. We both know that something like this is also an opportunity for my mom to spend time with her, which is of course nice, but still - I was allowed to go off and do my own important work, and she got stuck in the kitchen.
There were more examples as well, one of the larger ones being that Katie kept feeling like she was doing stuff wrong, so that my mom kept subtly (and nicely) correcting her. I think the worst part is that we don't know how to fix this. We decided it would get better in time as she gets more comfortable in my house. But one of the biggest problems is that Katie likes cooking, doesn't mind doing dishes, etc. Yet when she's doing this because she feels like she's supposed to (because she's the girl), it makes her miserable.
Other than that, and that it took 11 hours to get home from Philadelphia (which means I'm posting this today, instead of as last week's entry, which it is), Thanksgiving was fun.
Takes a Village
As I continue to explore the blogging world for my final paper the phrase it takes a village to raise a child is constantly coming up in my mind. This community is so devoted to each other and they continue to help each other out, with prayers, encouraging thoughts and monetary donations. It truly seems like this group of people have found each other in a desperate need for more parenting support. Where their needs are not met in the real world they turn to the virtual and instantly have a great deal more people to ask for help or vent at. Seems pretty good.
Except, when you use a village to raise a child you have to trust the villagers. Each and every person that you take advice from or ask to help watch you're kid you have to trust. Especially on the internet this can be tough to do. People are cruel and they judge as much as they help. The blogs I looked at censored negative comments and warned in the blog posts themselves to be nice. There was a need to claim that mean comments were not helpful, but the internet is a big scary anonymous place and people are going to be harsh. This harshness seems to spiral into guilt on the part of the parents and I'm not sold on the fact that that's so helpful.
I think that its pretty incredible how many people are willing to share their entire life with others through books and blogs. With this new place to share comes vulnerability and all parents open themselves up for that in their circle of friends and family, but the writers we've looked at open up to their entire audience of strangers or the entire blogging community. A couple of the author's we've read have given disclaimers in their writing about what they are willing to share (Alternadad doesn't offer drug talk advice for example). Yet there is still so much personal information offered out to the world as Bernstein said in order to reach other people. This puts parents in a vulnerable position and they will most certainly run into cruel villagers.
So the question for me is, is it still worth it to have a big vast village of readers. It seems clear that a close knit village is important, but a virtual anonymous one or a vast book audience one seems dangerous and to hold to little privacy. Does this mean that this genre will die out? It looks like that's not going to happen any time soon.
Except, when you use a village to raise a child you have to trust the villagers. Each and every person that you take advice from or ask to help watch you're kid you have to trust. Especially on the internet this can be tough to do. People are cruel and they judge as much as they help. The blogs I looked at censored negative comments and warned in the blog posts themselves to be nice. There was a need to claim that mean comments were not helpful, but the internet is a big scary anonymous place and people are going to be harsh. This harshness seems to spiral into guilt on the part of the parents and I'm not sold on the fact that that's so helpful.
I think that its pretty incredible how many people are willing to share their entire life with others through books and blogs. With this new place to share comes vulnerability and all parents open themselves up for that in their circle of friends and family, but the writers we've looked at open up to their entire audience of strangers or the entire blogging community. A couple of the author's we've read have given disclaimers in their writing about what they are willing to share (Alternadad doesn't offer drug talk advice for example). Yet there is still so much personal information offered out to the world as Bernstein said in order to reach other people. This puts parents in a vulnerable position and they will most certainly run into cruel villagers.
So the question for me is, is it still worth it to have a big vast village of readers. It seems clear that a close knit village is important, but a virtual anonymous one or a vast book audience one seems dangerous and to hold to little privacy. Does this mean that this genre will die out? It looks like that's not going to happen any time soon.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
all you need is love
As I feel the class coming closer to it’s end, and as I continue to write my paper, I feel a deeper connection with one of the many points raised in class last week. The specific point I am thinking about is the idea of “All you need is love,” with respect to Neal and Regina Pollack’s approach to providing a nurturing, fulfilling, and loving relationship with and childhood for their son Elijah, despite their many problems (drugs, lack of money, in-law problems etc). As I think about my potential parenting utopia, and how I will avoid the many pitfalls like the ones the various authors we have read this semester have faced, I think that above money, providing childcare, and securing a good job, I feel confident that the best strategy to achieving a parenting utopia is the “All you need is love” approach. Despite facing many heartaches and pitfalls in my own life, and witnessing first hand many of the problems that faced the various authors, face my own parent’s marriage, I know that I only turned out as well and as content as I have, because they always embraced the “All you need is love” approach when raising me. I am striving to convey this message throughout my paper and my idea of parenting utopia, because I feel that it is the best way to maintain a parenting utopia. Without love, a family cannot appreciate all of their other perks in their life, such as money, childcare, good jobs, and altogether happiness. It is important to try to correct the bad habits in life such as in Neal’s case, smoking pot. However, even when the bad habits still exist, or even when other hardships ensure in life, it is important to give the gift of love. This will build a solid relationship like the one in Alternadad, make life easier, and parenting utopias will become more and more attainable.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
The Dark Road
I wanted to write about a few things that this course has forced me to re-examine. First of all, I have come to see my own parents as people first and parents second—something that I believe is impossible unless your perception has been altered regarding the nature of parenthood in general. This has helped me better understand that it is as impossible to be a perfect parent as it is to be a perfect child or a perfect person. Perfection is something nice to work toward, but it is not something to literally attempt to become, no matter what it is you are doing. I believe that this is the sole reason parents write so much about anxiety and guilt: because parenthood is seen by society as the most important job humans can do. Somewhere along the way, perfection became the standard for parenting. So when I find myself blaming my parents for not being perfect I wonder once again how many mistakes they made, really.
Secondly, I’ve come to realize how much advertisement and the media seem to obsessively focus around mothers as targets and subjects, leaving the fathers curiously exempt from scrutiny. Just turn on the television during the day and you will see what I mean: an overwhelming barrage of ads show why choosy moms choose Jiff or why mom should buy this laundry detergent over another. You would be hard-pressed to find an ad for dish soap featuring dad’s dishpan hands! It appears that this is one area of culture which has definitely not been altered by the waves of feminism since the 1950s. The women in the Bitch in the House wonder why their husbands/boyfriends seem to be oblivious to housework. The answer could be that there are little to no media images featuring men doing domestic duties. Men are simply not “taught” that housework is something to master and get a handle on. I find this somewhat bizarre in the year 2008, this side of the 21st century.
Finally, it amazes me how much having a child seems to take from a person. Even Neal and Regina Pollack—two folks who definitely fought hard to maintain their individuality in the midst of parenting—came away changed in crucial ways, guilty, self-remonstrative and wondering at their parental credentials. While they did seem in certain ways to very much love being parents to Elijah, they still fell down all the same dark roads the other parents we read about did before them. I think this shows us that, no matter how much we read about parenthood, or how many papers we write on the topic—we will not know how much it will change us until we do it. It appears that no matter your intelligence or education or professional aptitude, parenthood takes tolls that are impossibly heavy. I suppose soon-to-be parents should just suck it up and get ready for a bumpy ride no matter how “ready” they think they may be.
I hope that when I decide to become a dad that it is out of a deep desire to nurture someone else and not to merely bring fulfillment to myself. I have learned that once you have a child your life ceases to be your own. And parenthood is not something you just can stop doing when you get tired of it. Parenthood is forever.
Secondly, I’ve come to realize how much advertisement and the media seem to obsessively focus around mothers as targets and subjects, leaving the fathers curiously exempt from scrutiny. Just turn on the television during the day and you will see what I mean: an overwhelming barrage of ads show why choosy moms choose Jiff or why mom should buy this laundry detergent over another. You would be hard-pressed to find an ad for dish soap featuring dad’s dishpan hands! It appears that this is one area of culture which has definitely not been altered by the waves of feminism since the 1950s. The women in the Bitch in the House wonder why their husbands/boyfriends seem to be oblivious to housework. The answer could be that there are little to no media images featuring men doing domestic duties. Men are simply not “taught” that housework is something to master and get a handle on. I find this somewhat bizarre in the year 2008, this side of the 21st century.
Finally, it amazes me how much having a child seems to take from a person. Even Neal and Regina Pollack—two folks who definitely fought hard to maintain their individuality in the midst of parenting—came away changed in crucial ways, guilty, self-remonstrative and wondering at their parental credentials. While they did seem in certain ways to very much love being parents to Elijah, they still fell down all the same dark roads the other parents we read about did before them. I think this shows us that, no matter how much we read about parenthood, or how many papers we write on the topic—we will not know how much it will change us until we do it. It appears that no matter your intelligence or education or professional aptitude, parenthood takes tolls that are impossibly heavy. I suppose soon-to-be parents should just suck it up and get ready for a bumpy ride no matter how “ready” they think they may be.
I hope that when I decide to become a dad that it is out of a deep desire to nurture someone else and not to merely bring fulfillment to myself. I have learned that once you have a child your life ceases to be your own. And parenthood is not something you just can stop doing when you get tired of it. Parenthood is forever.
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