I read the first section of The Perfect Madness with deep interest for many reasons. For one, the style read less like the creative nonfiction pieces we’ve read thus far and more like a sociological study or excavation into the unavoidable phenomenon of “mommy culture” which seems to be at the heart of the struggles of contemporary feminism. Warner links the ways in which the feminism of the 60s had been reshifted toward political freedom for women but then, curiously, re-aligned with almost parallel views on unfair sex roles and responsibility in the realm of childbirth. What also struck me was that, despite some thinking that she provides no solutions to this problem of motherhood anxiety in America, she does provide a contrasting social system (namely: France), by which the reader can compare with the system we live in now and ultimately “let our government know that we’re sick of the moralizing and temporizing and hypocrisy that until now we have characterized the political discourse about family life in America today….when we rally with our elected representatives who share those values. And when we hold their feet to the fire to make life better” (xvi). By giving us a view of a motherhood system which valued the mother as much as the children, Warner theorizes that we can begin to glean some value and insight into American parenthood as a symptomatic culture which is in dire need of attention and change.
Far from sounding like a radical politician, Warner is fascinated by this idea of “trivia” or everyday minutiae accompanying parenthood which she sees as choking mothers out of their sense of unity, calmness and rationality. When I read about the mother who, when going to buy her son some new Yu-Gi-Oh! Cards, “cut her knee deeply, and then, as a crowd gathered, sat there dumbly, contemplating her bare bone, and frantically trying to figure out how shed still make it to the store before it closed,” I was frozen in shock that this was—is seen as normal in our society; this absolutely ludicrous practice of child-worship and, as Warner puts it, making the children the center of the family structure(29). It is as if Americans purposefully try to make themselves victims of their children; that by doing so, they will have achieved a more transcendent, martyr-like sense of perfection. Again, what pulls me back into some semblance of reality is Warner’s ever-soothing memory of the glittering, glistening, sane approach to parenting manifest overseas in Paris.
It is astounding that America has fallen into this choking vice of individualism and materialism to the point where children and the atmosphere surrounding them cease to be focused on tiny people who will someday be adults and instead are seen as instruments of oppression, guilt, fear and anxiety. When did everything take on such a sense of immediacy and urgency? When did the scene come about that “the simple pleasures of motherhood were harder and harder to come by…everyone was too busy with ‘activities.’ It was hard to spend time just sort of vegetating in the sun because our kids, overstimulated by daily story hours and Gymboree, couldn’t just play in the sandbox, or run around the flagpole, or climb without running to us every five minutes” (25). What unsettles me most is the fact that Warner herself admits to being unable to keep from falling into this vortex of mommy madness. I wonder if, by the end, she’ll manage to keep afloat and not be pulled under…
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David: the comparison with France is so important for Warner, and, maybe for all of us (yes, let's move to France!). I had a thought when you raised the question of how did our children become these instruments of guilt, anxiety and oppression, and then I thought about Dan Savage's long and difficult journey to adopt, and how other older mothers go through fertility treatments, etc., in order to get pregnant. Are we more insane because it's relatively harder to "get" our babies, then in an earlier era, where everyone had their kids in their early 20s when they hadn't fully formed their adult selves? It's something I've wondered about, especially as an older mom.
Warner argues that too many women themselves to be defined by motherhood and direct every ounce of energy their children.
She writes: When we disempower ourselves in our mommy selves, we experience this weakness as anxiety. When we desexualize ourselves in our mommy selves, it leads us to feel dead in our skin. All this places an undue burden upon our children. By making them the be-all-and-end-all of our lives, by breaking down the boundaries between ourselves and them so thoroughly, by giving them so much power when they’re very small, we risk overwhelming them psychologically and ill-preparing them, socially, for the world of other children, and, eventually, other adults.
I don't agree with this line of reasoning and feel that children who are put on hold while mommy pursues a career to the point of neglecting them are much more psychologically prepared to face the world than children who are mothered too much. I don't see how making your children the center of your life is a bad thing. I agree that achieving a balance is hard and on some days impossible. I agree that it can lead to anxiety but so can going to work. There are some days when I cannot wait to go to work to escape my family and other days that the best part of my day is picking up my daughter and sharing her excitement about seeing a live snake at school. This has such a calming effect on me after a stressful day at work that it really puts life in perspective for me. I argue that women without children who work can become just as consumed with stress and anxiety by putting all their focus on an unrewarding job. The great thing about parenting is that it is always rewarding.
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