Father's Commitment and Attachment

Dan Savage’s the kid offers a new perspective on the recurrent themes of commitment and attachment that we have seen in other works. Throughout Dan’s entire adoption novel, commitment seems to be an issue. I’m not sure he fears commitment as much as he dislikes the label that it seems to signify. For instance he cannot commit to a ‘name’ for his partner, lover, etc.; Terry. In part this seems to be as much a social/political stigma as much as it his individual problem. It’s not necessarily that he is ashamed of being gay, but rather he is shameful about the stereotypical connotation that comes with whatever label he inserts. Commitment to one’s partner was explored in other works. I found it interesting that the commitment between most heterosexual couples dealt, at least in writing, with a focus on the mother writer and not so much the father figure. From Savage’s point of view, Terry (the other dad/domestic wife) plays an equal if not greater part in Dan’s story. This may be due in part to the social constraints that being gay and adopting break.
Aside from the commitment to each other, more than once I found myself questioning the commitment of Dan. At times I could take his sarcastic remarks as fears of commitment, but there were other times when this was near impossible. For example: “I wondered if Terry and I would be sitting in leather bars when we’re 60, watching porn, sipping beer and laughing with the bartender. I hoped so.” This thought appears when Terry and Dan have to consider whether or not to adopt Melissa’s possibly FAS baby. In general FAS is a hard thing to wrap one’s mind around and maybe this was just their way of dealing with the overwhelmingly negative information. However, Dan had mentioned earlier that part of the reason he wanted a child was to grow fat and stop the party life. I realize that this was not altogether the truth, but I can’t get around the fact that the child seems to have had no affect on Dan’s possible future life. Why even have a child if it changes nothing? This comment seems too real to not be taken seriously.
Commitment is supposed to come with a sense of attachment. Dan’s whole idea of attachment is that of a jinx. He feels that if he attaches himself to the idea of a child it will somehow be abruptly taken away, thus his worst case scenarios. I understand his superstition of ‘it’s too good to be true,’ but this lack of attachment translates itself into the relationship between Dan and the child later on. When D.J. is born Dan holds him, commenting to the fact that he feels nothing, questioning, “What the [heck] is wrong with me” (191)? I’m sure this sentiment is echoed by mothers as well, just not expressed as it is not socially acceptable (as we’ve learned from other such examples). Though this may be true, I cannot help but wonder if Dan’s lack of attachment to the idea of an actual child hindered him from feeling anything. Terry, at least from Dan’s perspective, seemed to be echoing the proper mannerisms of society. However, little as this attachment was in the beginning, it eventually grew. Dan came to the realization that he needed to bond with D.J. The one thing that I take away from his interaction with D.J. and Terry and need for bonding is the following comment. “While I got out of a lot of baby grunt work, I also missed out on the bonding that grunt work inspires” (234). This in itself is inspirational as much as it delivers a truthful comment about mothers and their attachment to their children. Although most of the women seemed to complain about the never ending time with their children and inability to get away, they developed some sort of special bond. I just felt that this was really insightful of Dan.
Another insightful/ tell tale sign that maybe Dan and Terry were ready to be parents were there reactions to taking D.J. away from Melissa. They conceded that what they were about to do would break her heart. Their reluctance to do so proved them emotionally attached/committed not only to D.J., but also to Melissa; an important aspect to an open adoption. Furthermore, Dan’s attempt at thanking Melissa suggested his understanding of the Melissa’s person, rather than just her label as a mother.
In conclusion although Dan and Terry did not initially come off as the ‘parent type,’ the progressive commitment and attachment eventually prove otherwise.