all you need is love

As I feel the class coming closer to it’s end, and as I continue to write my paper, I feel a deeper connection with one of the many points raised in class last week. The specific point I am thinking about is the idea of “All you need is love,” with respect to Neal and Regina Pollack’s approach to providing a nurturing, fulfilling, and loving relationship with and childhood for their son Elijah, despite their many problems (drugs, lack of money, in-law problems etc). As I think about my potential parenting utopia, and how I will avoid the many pitfalls like the ones the various authors we have read this semester have faced, I think that above money, providing childcare, and securing a good job, I feel confident that the best strategy to achieving a parenting utopia is the “All you need is love” approach. Despite facing many heartaches and pitfalls in my own life, and witnessing first hand many of the problems that faced the various authors, face my own parent’s marriage, I know that I only turned out as well and as content as I have, because they always embraced the “All you need is love” approach when raising me. I am striving to convey this message throughout my paper and my idea of parenting utopia, because I feel that it is the best way to maintain a parenting utopia. Without love, a family cannot appreciate all of their other perks in their life, such as money, childcare, good jobs, and altogether happiness. It is important to try to correct the bad habits in life such as in Neal’s case, smoking pot. However, even when the bad habits still exist, or even when other hardships ensure in life, it is important to give the gift of love. This will build a solid relationship like the one in Alternadad, make life easier, and parenting utopias will become more and more attainable.

The Dark Road

I wanted to write about a few things that this course has forced me to re-examine. First of all, I have come to see my own parents as people first and parents second—something that I believe is impossible unless your perception has been altered regarding the nature of parenthood in general. This has helped me better understand that it is as impossible to be a perfect parent as it is to be a perfect child or a perfect person. Perfection is something nice to work toward, but it is not something to literally attempt to become, no matter what it is you are doing. I believe that this is the sole reason parents write so much about anxiety and guilt: because parenthood is seen by society as the most important job humans can do. Somewhere along the way, perfection became the standard for parenting. So when I find myself blaming my parents for not being perfect I wonder once again how many mistakes they made, really.

Secondly, I’ve come to realize how much advertisement and the media seem to obsessively focus around mothers as targets and subjects, leaving the fathers curiously exempt from scrutiny. Just turn on the television during the day and you will see what I mean: an overwhelming barrage of ads show why choosy moms choose Jiff or why mom should buy this laundry detergent over another. You would be hard-pressed to find an ad for dish soap featuring dad’s dishpan hands! It appears that this is one area of culture which has definitely not been altered by the waves of feminism since the 1950s. The women in the Bitch in the House wonder why their husbands/boyfriends seem to be oblivious to housework. The answer could be that there are little to no media images featuring men doing domestic duties. Men are simply not “taught” that housework is something to master and get a handle on. I find this somewhat bizarre in the year 2008, this side of the 21st century.

Finally, it amazes me how much having a child seems to take from a person. Even Neal and Regina Pollack—two folks who definitely fought hard to maintain their individuality in the midst of parenting—came away changed in crucial ways, guilty, self-remonstrative and wondering at their parental credentials. While they did seem in certain ways to very much love being parents to Elijah, they still fell down all the same dark roads the other parents we read about did before them. I think this shows us that, no matter how much we read about parenthood, or how many papers we write on the topic—we will not know how much it will change us until we do it. It appears that no matter your intelligence or education or professional aptitude, parenthood takes tolls that are impossibly heavy. I suppose soon-to-be parents should just suck it up and get ready for a bumpy ride no matter how “ready” they think they may be.

I hope that when I decide to become a dad that it is out of a deep desire to nurture someone else and not to merely bring fulfillment to myself. I have learned that once you have a child your life ceases to be your own. And parenthood is not something you just can stop doing when you get tired of it. Parenthood is forever.

An Attitude Change

As my last blog post for the semester, I have decided to focus on a solution that could help all of the mothers we have read about this semester (and hopefully myself some day should I decide to become a mother). While political and cultural changes need to be made in order to improve motherhood in America all together, I think starting with the self; one’s own attitude is the first step.
Regina Pollack is not much different than most of the mothers we have read about. She has the disease known as mother angst. She constantly feels guilt, stress, failure, fatigue, and regret. Regina’s husband takes note of her unhappiness:
“I may have grown confident in fatherhood, but Regina remained in constant conflict with herself. In my opinion, she denied herself happiness, deliberately maneuvering into the regret and self-pity that can often attach itself to mothers as they grow older” (290).
While I cannot provide the universal answer on how to deal with all the negativity surrounding motherhood, in many cases (including Regina’s) I think a simple attitude change is the best start. Although fatigue cannot be avoided with an infant, the other negative feelings commonly surrounding motherhood would improve with a positive attitude.
In particular, the work/home balance is a major problem mothers face. Regina, like many mothers is conflicted between dedication to her work and the duties and responsibilities of being a mother. As a painter she has a flexible work schedule. However, even with work flexibility, Regina appears depressed over the situation.
“Look at me. I wanted to be a world-famous painter by now. And I’m nowhere”
“I’m never going to get there...”
“I just know that I’m going to have to give it all up” (290).
I’m not saying that balancing work and kids is easy (far from it), however; I think Regina should give herself some credit and make more time for her painting. In her case, she has a husband who seems willing to allow her more time for her work. “I wanted to help her recapture the shared thrill and need for adventure that had characterized our life before we’d had a child. But she wouldn’t meet me at that mental place” (290). Neal seems to allude to the fact that there is a mental problem standing in the way, and while I think Neal is an idiot a lot of the times, I agree with him here. An attitude change will not make all the motherhood issues resolve, but it would help. With a husband who is willing to help out, the mental problem is even easier to solve.
Whether a child is mentally retarded, cries non-stop, or simply likes to stick objects up his nose, I believe mothers are extraordinary women and can handle it with the right attitude. Although a multitude of factors play into motherhood and each mother’s experience, I think attitude is everything. A positive outlook (I know, easier said than done) could significantly impact a mother’s experience.

Assorted Thoughts

Here are some final thoughts about Alternadad that I wanted to get out before the week ends:

First, I was thinking back to very early in the novel, where Pollack is talking about the alternative families he knows, and he mentions a father and son who remain best friends despite the son being well into adulthood. (Sorry, I don’t have the book with me for an exact quotation.) But Pollack seemed impressed with this relationship, almost as if it occurred to him that hey, wouldn’t it be cool if my kid was friends with me in his thirties. This view turned me against him for awhile. I think that parents should be parents, not friends. I’m not saying that parents and children shouldn’t enjoy their time together, and spend time together, but I don’t think either should be the dominant social figures for the other.

Second, a note about being cool: I think it is commonly accepted that the cooler you try to be, the less cool you end up being. Pollack should take note, because his efforts sometimes seem a little desperate.

Third, I rocked out to classical music when I was little. So I’m afraid I can’t offer any congratulations to Pollack for teaching Elijah to like the kind of music that Pollack thinks of as objectively good. Little kids like to be crazy, and if you give them the chance, they will be. So its not taste, its being a kid. I’m not sure Pollack has accomplished anything that any other father has.

Fourth, I liked the last part of Alternadad much more than the first. For all my negativism, I don’t dislike Pollack any more than I disliked the other parents. He was often a pretty cute dad.

Ideas I had for subjects within the parenting genre:

Get a 6 year old to keep a journal. (How? I don’t know.) Have the narrative riff of this structure from the parent’s point of view. This would probably work best if they were living an already unusual lifestyle.

“How to Parent from Prison”

Being a parent during a war, in a refugee camp, or any event occasion where there is a great deal of external conflict. I wonder if in these cases the external conflict always outweighs the demands of parenting. If it doesn’t, this could be an interesting story. Hopefully there would also be humor. I’m envisioning a scene where a bomb explodes a block away, but the kid is more concerned with sticking grenade fragments up his nose.

I think a version of Perfect Madness where the anecdotes are drawn out for longer would be interesting. Maybe this would be a collection of mini-essays, like a combination of Perfect Madness and The Bitch in the House.

Not so Alternadad

Overall Alternadad provided me with an interesting perspective on parenthood. As much as I don’t like the lifestyle that Pollack leads, I realize that he has the best interest at heart for his family. I really like the chapter “ The Posterboard Jungle.” I think that Pollack really picked up on a theme that we have discussed earlier in class, ‘bad parenting.’ It is not unusual for parents to feel overwhelmed, especially with a child like Elijah and his seemingly never ending bite marks. I found it interesting that Pollack published an article and didn’t think that somehow it would get back to him. The fact that the responses were over a blog, makes things that much harder. Blogs are fairly easy to write, especially anonymously, and they take less time to send then regular mail. I understand that Elijah’s biting got out of hand and couldn’t help but feel that I wanted to interject and just tell them to discipline him or something. But then I realize that in part, my reaction is in observation of information that Pollack may have found out later. Furthermore I also understand that the biting only seemed to happen at school and perhaps it was not properly dealt with. Some of the ‘bad’ behavior that Elijah exhibits like sticking things up his nose is funny, but it also screams want of attention. At times I almost felt that Regina and Pollack needed to have another kid. There was one part where Elijah was playing with an imaginary pickle. I see that this kid has an imagination, but I also get the feeling that at times the parents don’t want to be parents. This sentiment has been expressed in other things we have read as well. It’s odd that when other people alluded to this I attributed to ‘the hardships of parenting,’ but when Pollack said this I had mixed emotions. In the first place Elijah is home all day with his parents and they obviously need some sort of break, but then again they chose the lifestyle. I’m glad that the family is moving, the neighborhood they were in sounded horrible. What I don’t understand however is why they would be moving to L.A. if they don’t have very much money. Is L.A. not more expensive than Austin? Lastly I would like to know what drove the consensus to L.A. It seems like both of them just said “let’s move to L.A.” After finishing the entire book I realized how much of a dad Pollack has become by the end. His world, although still involved with pot, seems to dwell more on family first which I think is a great character trait. The one question that I’m surprised Pollack didn’t blatantly answer was ‘did he achieve coolness as a dad?” On one hand through his obvious interaction with Elijah he has, but at the same time I expected more of an individual answer. I guess what I’m saying is that Pollack’s parent raising abilities are generic, however the methods may not be. Pollack, by the end has come a long way from being an Alternadad.

Response

Some of the most shocking things I had read from Alternadad came from the responses that he receives upon explaining the problems of his child's biting problems to the world of the internet. I have trouble believing that people would ever say the types of things that he quotes and I absolutly can't imagine anyone saying these things to either Neal or Regina's face. There is something about the anominity of the internet that allows for enough distance to make it ok to completely rip out the heart and sould of other people and stomp on it. It also seems pretty terrifying that this anaomous croud of dissapointment is still close enough to home to find Regina's email address. This world seems ten times scarier than the bad neighborhood right outside their front door and Regina is obviously affected by all of this criticism.
Earlier in the class we talked about the fact that Regina feels guilty about sending her child to school. It seemed to us to be a good idea to try to relieve some of that guilt for the mental health of both parent and child. However, when strangers judge you to be such awful parents that you deserve to have your child taken away from you it is hard to see how you can not feel guilty and that you are not living up to the rest of soiciety's standards. As Neal says in an earlier chapter the world excpets alot from moms.
Every child will have their own issues and no matter what happens you can only do the best you can with parenting. Regina and Neal seem to understand this, as do the 1 out of 3 responses to the biting episode that are positive rather than judgemental. Especially since these well informed parents were so panicked that they listened to bad advice from a supposedly reliable source of their school it just doesn't seem fair to place all of the blame on only them.

The only other thing that I had to say this week is slightly extracurricular. I am playing for the drama school's production of Into the Woods this week, so I have so far listened to they entire show about 20 times (only 4 more to go) which has let me mull over the plot and symbolism of it alot recently. It seems to tie into this class very well because the main plot is about a quest to concieve a child and what happens once lives have been ruined in the process of getting that child. It has alot to do with how that child is raised and grows up into adult hood as well through other side plots. It has absolutly made me think about the fairy tales that I want to see being passed down to children and this line of thought reminds me greatly of Neal deciding which books to read and even deciding which music to listen to, the lyrics of which are obvoiusly teaching Elijah as they go. The media that children are exposed to is so important but I feel like its impossible for parents to control this entirely and it is definitily not possible for them to be able to inepret what their children see for them. That will be Elijah's responsibilty and right and there is nothing that Regina or Neal can do about it. Into the Woods drives that point home for many of its characters and I would recommend it as a relevant show to this class.

Alternadad: A Tragedy?

Upon finishing Alternadad I was left feeling saddened and disappointed. Perhaps it is impossible to hold onto an idealistic view of a “utopian” or “perfect” parenthood, even if you are (in my view) the supremely cool Neal Pollack. During the climax of the book in which Elijah gets expelled from preschool and the parents receive a barrage of hate-mails attacking them for being horrible parents, I wondered what they could have possibly done more for their child in this situation. This was not an example of the mother taking the majority of the blame—on the contrary, Neal was the primary target of the assault. In light of Elijah’s apparently violent nature and chronic biting problem, I actually found myself wondering whether Neal and Regina’s Rock ‘n Roll parenting style was, in fact, a good idea after all. While it is true that the matter did end and the equilibrium was restored, that fact still did little to lighten my mood on the idea of “cool” but effective parenting. Society would never be tolerant and parents will always be judged by those who did not fully understand those whom they were judging, leaving parents of both genders guilty and torn.

Pollack proclaims: “Show me a perfect parent and I’ll show you a liar…we did the best we could,” but as much as his writing tries to pick up where it began with its rock-out, “who cares” attitude, railing against society and all of its stupidity, I found it faltering—ultimately unable to recover: “A miserable legacy of failed adulthood loomed before me…life was a hopeless journey into a bottomless abyss, only occasionally punctured by ironic Brazilian vacations. This truly was the end of the end” (317; 325). While attempting to be hopeful and rebellious by the book’s finish with “‘What we going to do in Los Angeles Daddy?’…‘Whatever the hell we want to, son,’” I still felt unsatisfied. The artistic, intellectual Neal at the beginning of Alternadad, so intent on remaining himself—refusing to conform to a judgmental society, seemed a far cry from the more worrisome and broken Dad by the end: “‘No,’ I said. ‘Elmo wants to give SpongeBob a kiss.’ That was the moment that I officially stopped pretending to be cool” (299). Wherever the controversy might lie in respect to Pollack’s coolness level must fall silent upon his own admission of defeat. Fatherhood has ended his quest for coolness once and for all; and it is a sad day for Alternadad.

It might be because it is so late at night that I have taken on this somber air of pessimism. Flipping through the pages and looking again at the family’s dynamic does seem to add some hope to the melancholy picture I’ve described: “You’re not a failure at all,” Regina reminds him. “You own a house. You have a wife and a son and a dog that love you. You support your family doing work that you love on your own terms…for some people that’s the very definition of success” (281). He seriously contemplates giving up smoking pot. But during the scene at Target, Neal cries because he wishes he “could give Elijah more, could be more for him. I just wanted the best for my family, and I felt ashamed that I couldn’t give it to them” (337). I suppose that we could view the ending as something other than a tragedy if we remember Bernstein’s idea of perfection as unstable peaks and valleys: “I knew that both good and bad awaited us in California. My family would convulse many more times, only to repair itself again. Careers would rise and fall. There would probably be a major earthquake at some point. But it had still been a long time since something had exited me this much” (344). The most hopeful lines in the book, I believe, are uttered by Elijah himself, when he states that “I see many beautiful things when we’re in the car, like trees and houses and flowers and oranges” (334). He seems happy and optimistic even if his worrisome, now-uncool parents are no longer are able to be. Perhaps, as Jill suggests, we should take our lessons from the child and not the parents. Maybe, aside from being peacemakers, they are the ones with the real answers, and are the ones who keep parents constantly surprised by the little ways that life reminds us of the happiness and contentment we’ve forgotten on their account in the quest to be perfect parents in an age where this has become a true and utter impossibility.

A Child's Role as Peacemaker

Of all of the many things that strike me as I read Alternadad¸ I was very moved by a concept that Pollack mentions very briefly. In chapter 16, as he is trapped at his in-laws for the holidays, it seems only natural that tension will build and escalate into verbal drama. As the events in the chapter unfold, I thought it was very insightful and intriguing when Pollack called his son a “peacemaker.” He writes on page 268, “My son had become a peacemaker, and I was glad. Wasn’t that one of the reason you had kids? Sometimes a marriage needs a referee, and no one would ever know us as well as he did.” Obviously, as with many things ideas set forth by the various authors we have read in this class, I am struck by ideas that I can really relate to. And I think that the idea of a child’s purpose as a referee is very realistic. Many times I have served as a referee, whether I was conscious of it or not. Often times, in my refereeing, I never had to use the “whistle,” so to speak. And that is why I think that Pollack’s concept holds such truth. It’s like the job of a child to step in, without even knowing it, in order to ground a husband and wife. Sometimes a child is successful, other times they are not. Sometimes a child will be victimized by this concept, but regardless, a child does have this obligation as a referee and it is interesting to see what side they will take, or if they remain neutral only to resolve the situation and maintain peace between his or her parents.
I think that since this was the first time I really thought about a child’s role with respect to a peaceful dynamic between his or her parents, I was really engaged. However, I think that it is a good thing that I never really considered this concept because if this was brought to the attention of every husband and wife, the privilege of a referee as an offspring would be abused. Also if a child was aware of their role as a peacemaker, it might affect their livelihood and create problems with them, they might feel guilty. Maybe Pollack can only get away with acknowledging it because Elijah is so young.
Although a child can be a unifying commodity, it is never good to use a child as a device used to leverage power or pride. Luckily, although I have played the role of referee, I have never been made to feel guilty about when to step in or whose side to take. It is also interesting to see a child presented in a positive way, rather than as an annoying and time-consuming burden.

Cool or not cool?

I still haven't finished Alternadad yet but I'd like bring up a few points that trouble me about the book. I know that Neal Pollack is open-minded about many things and that he would like to be seen as liberal and "cool". In the past we have discussed what we see as "cool" and what Neal Pollack sees as cool are extremely different. As a father, I think he's incredibly cool simply for trying hard to make his son happy. A lot of times though, I feel that Regina gets shafted and stuck with taking care of their son too much. This impression might be created because Neal Pollack doesn't really talk about what he does while Regina's taking care of the child, other than the many concerts that he goes to, or other times, hanging out with other people and drinking beer or getting high. My mother was almost the opposite of Neal when it came to music. Or, I should say, she made me get into music, but in the classical spectrum of the music world. I have played piano since I could remember and eventually took on other instruments as I grew up - ones that I chose for myself. I hated piano lessons at many points of my life, so the one question that came up while reading was, what if Elijah hated hated hated the music his Dad made him listen to? What if his son was not the kind of child that he was so proud of, for being so into his own music? And will his son grow to appreciate or resent his father's musical influence in his early years? I don't think Neal Pollack would be angry because he is always surprisingly adaptable to certain situations, but the story definitely would be completely different and maybe he wouldn't see himself as "cool" anymore.

I read Jill's entry "Alternamom" and found myself completely agreeing with her. My last entry was about how fathers that take on more responsibilities in parenting are in a sense glorified and I definitely think this is related. If Regina were the one going out and partying, I would be completely proud of her for having a life other than her child. At the same time, when I hear about mothers that neglect their children because they like to party too much, a lot of negative opinions form. The lack of maturity, responsibility, and capability to take care of someone else is always associated with women that can't fulfill the mother role. My own mother is the opposite. She thinks she's always been a great mother but even to this day I think that she was always too overbearing and controlling. So when she compares herself to her sister, who was more neglectful and much less controlling and partied a lot while my cousin was growing up, I always thought of her as a "cool" mom and thought that I would have preferred her more. But in the end, it came down to the fact that my aunt wasn't exactly a "good mother", at least in that traditional mother role.

In fact, I'm beginning to think that the traditional father roles are slowly beginning to change whereas the traditional mother roles are still the same. Our expectations of mothers are already subconciously drawn, but for fathers I feel like it's still a little bit fuzzy. In this way, it seems that fathers are expected to have more freedom and not frowned upon for not participating in household activities. But if the roles of fathers are beginning to change, then it may mean that the roles of mothers adjust with these changes too.

Blog from Last week: AlternaMOM?

If the tables were turned and Regina was the exceptionally alternative parent, there would be a problem. People wouldn’t pt up with it. Her parenting approach would be scrutinized and criticized. It would be called neglectful and harmful. Although we don’t give Neal Pollack the green card, he is still let off of the hook a lot easier than any mother with his lifestyle. Why is this the case? I feel that because of the parenting stereotype, the way mothers have been perceived in pop culture, the thought of an Alternamom is even worse than an outrageous and dangerous epidemic. I have to admit, I have this bias too. I give Neal the benefit of the doubt. I don’t know why, but its just seems more acceptable for the father to do the things he does. Perhaps this concept of giving more responsibility to the mother is why so many mothers turn into a “bitch.” It is going to take a lot more than this blog post to change years of the general understanding that mothers must give up their wild sides and devote their entire lives to their children, but if we could just wave the magic wand, and shed equality on the mother-father dynamic, what a different world it would be.
However there is something to learn from this Alternadad situation and that is the importance of care. Despite his lifestyle, Neal Pollack loves and cares for his child. I believe that regardless of how wild and crazy a parent might choose to be, if they embrace the importance of care, their child will live a safe life. Since there is no magic wand we can wave, no legislation we can pass, we just have to trust society to make good decisions. And since most of society will continue to make bad decisions, we have to make sure on an individual level we always have our priorities in check.

Always Guilty?

One of the main issues that has come up in the readings we’ve done this semester is the overwhelming feeling of guilt women experience during motherhood. Even in Alternadad, when the story is told by the father, the mother’s guilt manages to surface. Neal Pollack (although not the ‘cool’ dad he thinks he is in my opinion) is a good father. He does what he feels is best for his child, whether it is taking him to gymnastics or swimming lessons. He also misses his child sincerely when he is not with him. However, what Pollack lacks is the guilt that his wife feels.
When Neal and Regina decide to send Elijah off to school Regina’s guilt is clearly articulated. The separation from her child leaves her making comments that question her role as Elijah’s mother. First she comments, “I feel like a bad mother” (209). While Elijah is at school she later asks Neal, “Are you sure he doesn’t hate us” (213)? While Neal misses Elijah too, he does not express these concerns. He does not feel guilty. Why is it that only the mother feels guilt in these circumstances? After all, it was both parents’ decisions to take Elijah to school at this early age. Both of them left him for the day. Yet, while Neal may miss his child and worry about him, he does not feel guilty like Regina.

What I found most interesting was that even though this was Neal’s story, a father’s story, the mother’s guilt was still present. Regina’s guilt is more hidden in Alternadad since it is Neal’s story, but it was still there in both obvious and subtle ways. Neal even acknowledged Regina’s guilt. “Regina isn’t normally a guilt-ridden person, but motherhood ratchets up the guilt stakes” (210).

My older cousin Leslie just had her first child last February (Andrew). A few weekends ago we were at a family wedding and she was telling me just how exhausted she was (even though the dark circles under her eyes said it all). Baby Andrew was being passed all around the reception hall between family members. My mother and my aunt had him for a significant portion of the evening. Leslie deserved a break and Andrew is adorable so everyone wanted to hold him. Plus, Leslie was in the wedding party and had plenty going on throughout the evening. However, later on when I was talking to her, she expressed to me that she was feeling really guilty that she had not been holding and taking care of Andrew more that evening. She constantly was coming over and making sure everything was ok and that whoever was holding him at the time was ok. It was as though, even being separated from him in the same room and not being the only one taking care of him, was causing her guilt.

Is there a way for mothers to avoid this guilt-trap? It sure doesn’t seem so. My question and fear at the same time is whether or not mothers always feel guilty? Did I send him to school too early? Did I stop breastfeeding too soon? Did I make the right decision about this and that? Both parents have a responsibility to a child and both parents aid in the decision-making process for their kids, so why then is the mother the only one racked with guilt?

Why Kids?

A thematic question that we have been discussing in class is “Why have children?” Most books/essays that we have read depict the hardships of raising infants or dealing with children with disabilities, or some even try to focus on trying to maintain the pre-baby way of life. Alternadad hits on this last one. One main difference between this family and others is that Neal Pollack has the ability to work at home. There problem becomes the idea that they have too much time with their child rather than not enough, like so many other families. They admit that they feel bad in wanting to send their child to school, but at the same time they encounter the common problem of affordable/decent childcare. This aside the Pollack family presents a very different dynamic to the ‘why children’ question. Pollack carries a very seemingly adolescent attitude in that he wants to experience life through rock music; this is evident through his rock and roll phase as well as his drive to take his son to a concert. In this section Pollack debates about whether or not to take his son, when it turns out not to be a question about whether he will take his son, but rather will Regina, his wife? Regina seems like a very down to earth mother in the sense that she seems to have all the tribulations of a first time mother. However, Pollack is not the typical father. His actions are uncharacteristic of any father we have read so far. He is first not absent from the family and secondly he is not over the top possessive/controlling like the father from Daddy Dearest. Although he is not one of these categorical fathers, he is a father none the less. He takes time to be with his son i.e. the farm, discipline him i.e. the penalty box, and love him i.e. music and stories. Although he possesses the basics of my idea of a father, his methods are very individual. Throughout all of the books we have read we have seen the struggle to maintain the individual nature of the adult while at the same time becoming a mother/father. Neal Pollack seems to be achieving this goal the best. I do not know if this is because of his eccentric nature, or if it is because he seems have the ideals and dreams of a teenage boy trapped in a man’s body. The question of ‘why children’ hasn’t really been answered in this book (as of section three) and I don’t know if it ever will. Elijah seemed to be Regina’s idea in the first place; Pollack was comfortable in the world they were living before. However, I do have to admit that although Elijah may not have changed Pollack’s way of life, he definitely adds to it. One good example is that as we all know Pollack likes to smoke pot. One parenting skill that he chooses to impart/learn is that he refuses to smoke around Elijah i.e. the party. I admire this quality and the idea that Pollack wants his son to be as individual as he is. This is best accomplished seen through Pollack’s investment in music hour. In conclusion I guess the initial idea of children may not have been Pollack’s, but the reason for children is to help someone become as individual as they possibly can.
As a side note I just want to mention that Pollack’s writing style in section three became very boring and materialistic (especially “Play that Monkey Music Wiper.”) This may be in part because he is talking about songs and ideas that I am unfamiliar with as well as trying to recount the exact ‘conversation’ language of Elijah. This style of writing may add to the question of audience that Pollack intended.

One quote that struck me in the beginning of Alternadad was, "The reason that dads shouldn't whine is because whether you're a dad or not a dad, your life stays basically the same. It's just a matter of increased responsibility. But once a woman has a baby, she's a mom, and the world demands a lot from moms. Regina understood this, and it made her nervous"(63-64).

In my second paper this was a huge part of why women are very frustrated with their positions as mothers. I don't know if it's a political, cultural, societal, economic kind of thing that makes the pressures on women so much more in terms of having children (generally speaking), or if it's really an innate kind of thing. Mothers are the ones that walk around for months with a tiny new life forming in their tummies and maybe that in itself is enough for women to feel more compelled to be responsible for their children. But in the case of adopting, do most mothers feel the same way, the same pressure, the same responsibilities? The only adoption reading we've had was The Kid, and in this case, there was no mother position in their family, at least, from what we read.

I'm really glad that Neal Pollack said this though, because he says how he's not that nervous about having a child while Regina is nervous about everything. He sees the difference between them as parents - the world expects a lot more from moms. There are also expectations for the ideal husband or father too, of course, which is why we also see movies in which fathers are the main characters. Even "Full House"and "Smart Guy"was more about fathers than mothers since Danny Tanner's wife died and Uncle Jessie and Joey are both male. Another example I can think of is "Smart Guy", a TV show about a 12 year old boy going to high school with two older siblings and has a single father. In both of these popular 90s shows the men are single parents. The main issues that surround them are raising their children without a mother, trying to find substitutes for that mother position once their children have become mature enough to accept another mother figure in their lives. Undoubtedly, these shows would have been completely different and even bland if the fathers were not single. I think that fathers do deserve as much credit as mothers in raising children, but I sometimes wonder if we give them too much credit when they decide or have to do more than the typical father role. For example, the friend Neal Pollack had, Ned, would take his daughter around and use this as a way of attracting women and flirting with them. Babies in general do attract attention, but when it comes to men that look like they're really loving fathers, girls just seem to melt. The idea of good mothers, on the other hand, seem to be less glorified (or maybe it's just that all of these readings lately have brought me to think so).

Alternadad

I'm a little wishy-washy on my feelings about Neal Pollack as a father or a rocker, but from reading Alternadad the main feeling I did get was just how amazing Regina is. She seems like the absolute coolest down to earth person ever, and she's a mom. Plus, she wanted to be a mom and she actually had reasonable reasons along with a ticking biological clock. She puts up with a sometimes unruly husband with all the grace of a funky southern protestant while doing her own artwork and raising a kid. From their first date I was totally enthralled by her character and decisions, much more so than Pollack's.

One of the funniest lines in the reading was, "I cooked, walked Hercules, did laundry, and scrubbed toilets. The responsibility was oddly satisfying, like I was proving to myself that I could be a man." From the other readings we've done it seems like the cooking, laundry, cleaning, and dog walking would only solidify his proof of his femininity rather than his manliness. I got this feeling from the first half of this section of the book, that they could share somewhat equally and gender roles hadn't come into play all that much in their relationship. However, as the book went on more and more often the sharing ended up on Regina which Pollack readily admits. But I get a hopeful feeling from this entire situation, especially the chapter where Pollack returns from his rock tour. I feel like he's figuring things out and he has a good sense of how important both Regina and Elijah are and the balance that he needs to make work for them.

Two other sections that struck me were the fact that her birth while they had planned on it being easy was incredibly difficult, and the first three months of infancy were much easier than they had planned. So far the only successful easy birth we've seen was by the one mother who decided from the beginning that she wanted drugs (Melissa in Savage's The Kid). Both Cusk and Regina go into a birth hoping for a natural birth complete with standing in the shower, and both end up in risky operations demanding drugs. The message I take from this right now is plan on taking the drugs but I think that I had that sentiment to begin with. The difference between Cusk and Regina though is the infancy after the birth. Regina feeds the child but her husband is far more present in this narrative than in A Life's Work. Pollack and Regina seem rather shocked at how much TV they can watch and sleep they can get guilt free. But this guilt free is based solely on how successful Regina was in feeding the baby which is exactly the same sentiment that Cusk has just with better luck. Lessons learned are take drugs and get lucky which is exactly what I think Alternadad is all about.

The True Story of One Man's Inability to Let Go of the Teenage Angst That Has Been Haunting Him Throughout His Entire Adult Life

So far, I have been extremely unimpressed with Neil Pollack, Alternadad. His tone often strikes me as a little self-mocking - he's quick to make fun of himself, and to offer up a rhetorical, "why do these things always happen to me?" At least, I assume this is rhetorical and that he's not honestly wondering this. I think if we were to read a story written from a mother's perspective about a husband who was consistently out smoking pot and getting drunk, he would certainly not be a protagonist. And if the mother was trying to rationalize it as well, he just needs to do it, I think we would feel bad for her, and maybe she's in denial about some serious problems that he might have.

But in Alternadad, its not that he has any personal problems, its that he has a "punk-rock lifestyle." And I'm going to have to agree with Jana that he exhibits a lot of "wrong behavior for a dad like symbol." Its like he's on a constant journey of self-discovery, but he doesn't really like to discover anything significant about himself. So he knows he loves his family, and then he leaves that family (with an extremely young infant) to go on a rock tour, because pretty soon it'll be too late to be a rock star! Oh no! In my opinion, its already too late. You don't spend your child's infanthood learning that you really want to be with your child during that phase. I don't buy his 18-34 demographic idea, where he seems to think that you can be as young as dumb as you want. The 30+ year old guy at concerts isn't cool, even if he thinks he is, and even if he smokes a lot of pot.

I think that Amanda has pretty low standards for fathers, to be impressed with Pollack. I imagine most of the fathers in the essays we've read would acknowledge that the world demands a lot from mothers, and put up with a lot from their pregnant wives without seriously complaining because, they realize how cool it is that this woman is going to be giving birth to their child. That's the easy part. But what happens when Pollack has an infant? 1. Rock tour 2. Complaining, "Why don't you stop trying to hold me back?" when his wife asks him to take care of the baby for two hours. Seriously? Stop trying to hold me back? Hello, everyone, I'd like to introduce you to the teenage angst of a 30 year old man! We could sub-title this book, "I Refuse to Grow Up, But My Kid Makes Me Feel Good About Myself."

I don't want to judge the values of Neil and Regina in general, because being able to have your own values matters a lot. But one instance, Regina's inability and refusal to even get trash into a trash can, and Neil's acceptance of this, really troubles me. This is why: it's one thing to raise a kid with different values, its another to raise that kid with values that are inevitably going to come in conflict with pretty much everyone he meets. I'm imagining a 20 yr old Elijah, who has never cleaned up after himself, though has never had anyone clean up after him, moving with several roommates. And I'm imagining their resentment build as he just creates more and more filth and has absolutely no awareness that it might bother other people.

Let Daddy Rock

While there is no question in my mind that Neal Pollack is the shit, I understand the arguments of those who would criticize his “different” methods of parenting. I don’t see his problem surrounding his relationship with his wife so much as on his concern with the sacrifice of his individuality to settled-down, docile fatherhood. As Jana pointed out, while Pollack is rightly concerned about the health and wellbeing of his family, he engages in what some find to be self-destructive behavior—partying, drinking, pot smoking etc.: “this is just wrong behavior for a dad like symbol.” However, I find that Pollack’s whole conflict involves avoiding the compromise of this punk-rock lifestyle, which he feels is integral to his personality as a rebellious, alternative-minded “artiste,” by letting it fall into the stereotypical portrayal of the traditional family: “Class guilt oozed from my every pore. I wanted to say… ‘These are but trappings of yuppiedom! It’s not who I am in my soul! But I was no longer cool’” (113). As the new routine of fatherhood takes its form, Pollack laments his loss of coolness, and must fight to gain that sense again, whether it be to shop for indie clothes for his son or become a kick-ass rock star.

Regina shares Pollack’s wish to be a cool and different kind of parent, even if she is more pragmatic or “healthy” in the way she goes about it. Pollack writes, “we would be cool parents…we would not succumb to the cult of child rearing; our kid was not going to be our excuse to retreat from the wider world. He would be our passport and we would be his” (113). But Regina undoubtedly calls all the shots, or most of them, and where Amanda applauded his glorification of his wife during and after her pregnancy, I saw his sometimes “pathetic” role to be typical of the fathers in the Bitch in the House—sad, helpless men whose only escape from the torments of family life were to either keep away or just become “yes-men”: “I had one job: to nod and say ‘Yes, dear,’ to whatever she wanted” (73). Wouldn’t it have been enough to have Neal there at the birthing? Why was it necessary to have the Doula? Was it because Pollack was incapable of being supportive or emotionally helpful? Somehow, I thought that Pollack was treated somewhere between being placated and patronized solely based on the fact that he wasn’t a female and couldn’t “relate.” The annoyed looks the women exchanged at his attempts at understanding could have been more useful if they had been followed by explanations. Pollack seems endearingly desperate to learn about parenthood so that he can at last be seen as not just a disappointment, but some sort of authority: “I actually craved the responsibility that fatherhood would bring. I liked the idea that people would be dependent on me. I’d felt like the employee, the son or the clownish afterthought my entire adult life. It was time for me to prove that I could take the ship’s tiller” (62). He is genuinely stoked about Daddyhood.

In addition to all of the “serious” issues the book raises in regard to contemporary parenthood, I think Alternadad, at least so far, is a very enjoyable book. Apart from being a very good writer, Pollack obviously shares many of my core values (e.g. hanging out in Philly with eccentric folks and starting rock bands because it just needs to be done), and has a killer sense of humor: "It is generally not a good idea to tell a woman you're in love with her while she's breaking up with you" (24). But he doesn’t merely value these things because they are counter-culture or whatever, they are just a part of who he is, and he even has a somewhat mature understanding of his otherwise adolescent views: “Aesthetics matter a little bit, but they weren’t all that mattered. Eccentricity is not a virtue unto itself” (18). As a product of the “Indie” age loaded with gnarly music, yuppie-hating, beer swigging, dirty coffee-house culture, Pollack is an unlikely candidate for “family man”. This fact, however, merely makes Alternadad all that more compelling a read, for when and if I decide to have kids, I want to do it a lot like Neal Pollack. Minus the moving to Texas part. (Texas? What?!) Rock on.

A Mother's Presence

In most of the parenthood literature we have read this semester, mother writers have constantly chosen to not include the father or if included, the father is seen simply as a pain-in-the-ass. In a father narrative a mother’s presence is a necessity, however I was curious to see how Neal Pollack portrayed and described his wife, a.k.a. the mother.
What I felt most interesting from the father’s point of view in Alternadad was not that the mother was clearly present, but that she was almost glorified. In my opinion, Pollack was not the ideal, perfect husband to have during pregnancy, but his actions and thoughts towards a mother’s role were impressive. For example, I greatly respected Pollack when he noted that upon becoming a dad not much changes except for increased responsibility; whereas in contrast, “once a woman has a baby, she’s a mom, and the world demands a lot from moms” (64). This acknowledgement to me signified that Pollack was already one step ahead of most the dads we have read about so far because he understands the demands of motherhood, at least to some extent. Furthermore, it seems to foreshadow that Pollack will do whatever he can to help ease the demands of being a mother for his wife.
The other quality I admired about Pollack was his devotion to his wife during her pregnancy. He may not have been ideal and he did go out on occasion, but he still acknowledged that his wife came first. More importantly though was that he did not portray his wife as a demanding, crazy, bitchy, pregnant woman. In fact, it was quite the opposite. For example, Regina gave him permission to go out and party a little after the first six false alarms (which I think is impressive to begin with because I want my husband at my beck and call when I’m that pregnant). He portrayed himself as the ‘bad guy,’ not his hormonal wife by stating: “I was pathetic, but she was forgiving” (82).
Men cannot experience the joys and sorrows of pregnancy or the pain of childbirth (lucky them)! However, why I admired Pollack as a father writer was because he was as involved as he could be in the entire birthing process. We have discussed the emotion that mother writers express during pregnancy and birth, and I was pleasantly surprised at Pollack’s. For example, he was not afraid to show his emotions when his son was first born. In fact, he really began to weep when the nurse pointed to his son’s chin dimple and noted that he was definitely his child. Furthermore, although he could not experience the unbelievable amount of pain his wife encountered, he seemed exceptionally horrified. Afterwards he shouted: “That was horrible!” and “How could they put Regina through it all?” This was shortly followed by “Fuck the process.”
(91).
Although a potential future husband of mine may not be able to deliver a child, I hope that if I’m in a great deal of pain afterwards, he is shouting to someone “Fuck the process” too.

ALTERnadad

The first section of Alternadad is very different from anything I have read so far. I was initially put off by the crude style of The Kid by Dan Savage, but Neal Pollack takes this to a whole new level. It’s not necessarily the language that puts me off, but rather the actions that Pollack takes. In part I understand that his eccentric lifestyle as a young adult and the company he kept framed his actions and personality, but it is also that environment that puzzles me. Pollack mentions that he felt that some of the people he knew shouldn’t be parents. He questions one couple’s ability to parent as they attributed their daughter’s conception to a bottle of wine, lack of birth control, and a Hawkwind album (11). In this case the child seems an accident. Pollack criticizes this type of parenthood, relaying that a café where people smoked is no place for a child. These actions he suggested are “emblematic of the culture of the neighborhood” (15). This brings up the ultimate question of ‘Why Children?’ With this framework in mind the memoir than proceeds to describe Pollack’s beginning relationship with his wife and how they brought Elijah into the world. Pollack and his wife attempt to have a natural birth, but needless to say things go wrong. At one point Pollack fears losing the baby and his wife. The raw emotion/tone that he sets up here really emphasizes his readiness to be both a husband and father, which I applaud him for. However, it is the lifestyle that he and Regina lead that I find almost hypocritical. Throughout the pregnancy Regina becomes the mother that we have seen in so many other readings. She takes the time to read everything she can get her hands on, is careful with her body etc. The one difference is that she pursues a natural birth. That aside, we then get an accurate description of Pollack. Now as this is written by Pollack I have no choice but to take what he has written about himself seriously. Time and time again Pollack mentions that he drinks and smokes weed, with Regina’s consent no less. I don’t know if I am totally naïve, but this is just wrong behavior for a dad like symbol. Pollack even mentioned that a dad should be someone who eats a hotdog at Costco which seems pretty ordinary to me. Even Dan and Terry gave up their excessive parties etc. to raise a son. Pollack seems to be critical of the parent type he seems to be enabling. Although I myself am critical of this lifestyle, I cannot fully criticize all of Pollack’s actions. He does take the time and effort to find suitable housing for his wife and future child. In this sense he is the provider; an a-typical role of fatherhood. Having the prologue helped me not be overly judgmental of Pollack. Whether that decision was his or the editors, I appreciate it. What we see in the prologue is a man who is tired from staying up with his son, ready to fulfill the responsibility of fatherhood, no matter how tired he is. This in itself is a change from previous fatherhood roles where the father was absent. In a sense I expected Alternadad to be a more representative role of fatherhood in the sense that he would essentially play the ‘mother’ role. In not fulfilling this expectation Alternadad has opened my eyes to several different types of parenthood, otherwise invisible to me.

Queen of the Cul-de-Sac

http://queenoftheculdesac.com/

This is the blog I am reading. It was very difficult for me to choose a blog to read. Too many of them had awful, punny names. One was actually called "A Desperate Housewife." Anyway, this one is funny in a rage against suburbia kind of way.

Blog

The blog I read is called Boobs, Injuries and Dr. Pepper:
http://boobsinjuriesanddrpepper.blogspot.com/search?updated-min=2008-01-01T00%3A00%3A00-06%3A00&updated-max=2009-01-01T00%3A00%3A00-06%3A00&max-results=50

Her about me is:

Crystal

I have a girl, Virginia, who is eight and a boy, Devon, who is fifteen and baby Harmony is this many (1). I'm married to Chris. This is not a mommy blog. My kids aren't perfect & I cuss a lot. I think that disqualifies me from the mommy blog club.

I have to disagree with Crystal, her blog was absolutely a member of the mommy blog club, mostly because her children aren't perfect and she cusses a lot. What makes blogging more interesting than essays and published books for me was the fact that there was interaction right there in front of me. All of her posts had around 70 responses and she was continually raising money for charities for individuals that needed help. She had a very compelling post about a friend's child who was born with a heart condition that would keep her living in a hospital for the first two years of her life only to go through incredibly risky heart surgery. Her requests for donations weren't for organizations in a lot of cases and I found this rather appealing as a new way of doing things. It felt like she was definitely contributing to citizenship for her readers and herself.

Blog exploring

This is the first blog that I was very interested in: http://thenaughtymommy.blogspot.com/

The blogger is "The Naughty Mommy". As can be guessed by the name, this woman is a very unconventional writer. She is basically a mommy sex columnist. Her writing is explicit and gutsy, which is what attracted me to it in the first place. She does not just write about sex though... she writes about her identity now as a mother and her nostalgia for the freedom of the past. She compares a lot from pre-baby to post-baby. Her personality seems to be very free-spirited and she is very honest with even the negative things. Her feelings about her daughter are surprising contrasts to her stories about sex with her husband. The only reason why I didn't just pick this blog was because I think I only have access to about 9 entries, and I'm not even sure if this is an official blog. She has also come out with a book recently called Love in the Time of Colic: The New Parent's Guide to Getting it on Again.


The second blogger is "Her Bad Mother"

This is a woman living in Canada. The blogs that I have read are about her life as a mother and how she is confused by her feelings about motherhood. She loves her children but hates the work that comes with raising kids. She never regrets any of it, but questions whether or not she would ever have one again. (The answer is most likely no). She also questions other women about how they feel when they were put in similar situations. Her writing is comedic and light but expresses the concerns and emotions that I believe most mothers have. She also has a nephew who was diagnosed with Duchenne's Muscular Dystrophy. He is expected to die young. Her Bad Mother also uses her blog, which has a lot of commentors for almost every entry, to promote for a fund raiser that her sister wants to donate to Duchenne's research.

So I have chosen two blogs to focus on because frankly both interest me greatly. The first one is of an American Jew living in Israel raising her children. From what I have gathered from her blog thus far her main goal is to demonstrate how one can raise a Jewish household, in and out of Israel. She seems to be pretty up beat most of the time and answers others questions and responds to others more than I think she discusses her own troubles.

http://mominisrael.blogspot.com/

The second blog, to contrast with the first one, is about a Palestinian woman raising her two children in and out of Gaza. She is a journalist and therefore travels but is confronted constantly with being unable to return to her homeland. She speaks from the heart and therefore I find it very interesting to watch her progress and struggle. Her blog raises the question of how it is possible to raise a family without a home. "We live, for the most part, in a state of constant temporality, and this, more than anything else, has come to define us."

http://a-mother-from-gaza.blogspot.com/

Blog

http://anonymousmom.com/

This is the blog I checked out. While there were some positive posts, I felt the majority of them tended to be negative (especially when the husbands were involved).

Mommy Confessions blog

The actual search for parenthood blogs was very interesting. I guess I've been kind of naive about the world of blogging. First of all, blogging does not mean only the written word. A lot of the blogs contained pictures and videos. Secondly, I thought that the parenthood blogs would focus mostly on children, like some of the essays we've read. I found that most of the blogs dealt with life in general, their children only a part of the blogging world. Some of the blogs were even done via video, which I found to be an interesting concept. These women had careers; one was a aspiring free lance writer with a kid. Sometimes her posts dealt with trying to balance writing with raising a child, but most of them focused on writing free lance in general and some of the pieces she was working on. The most intriguing blog I found is entitled, Mommy Confessions: Preparing Children for therapy since 2001. I will summarize my findings later, but in the meantime here is the link.

http://sometimesdisgruntled.blogspot.com/

An Intriguing Paper

While surfing blogs and doing research I came across this website which conducts a study on how parenthood "creates" gender differences and leads to inequality in the household. I found it extremely interesting, especially because of its presentation of a possible reason for mommy madness: "It is argued that as women do housework the activity produces and reproduces a sense of gendered identity." I just thought it might be helpful!

http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_go2771/is_4_38/ai_n28880024/pg_1?tag=artBody;col1