Reminded of My Own Relationship

I got engaged about a week ago, so the first four essays in The Bitch in the House seemed especially relevant, as they were about relatively new but serious relationships. I ended up trying to glean everything I could from the male's perspective in these essays, and one thing stood out the most: I think that the majority of these domestic problems would have been solved through communication. Not just better communication, but any communication, because there seemed to be nothing said between the characters about what the root of the problems were. It is as if the writers are willing to share these perspectives with their many readers, but didn't realize that it might have been remarkably useful to tell their partners first.

I can't avoid imagining my girlfriend (it still feels weird to say fiancee) having some of the same thoughts as the authors. I have never been especially neat. I don't make my bed, despite many years of my mother telling me to do so. I have big problems with clutter, but I consider that a step up from being merely messy and leaving food or used plates or other gross stuff around. I don't clean my kitchen very often, but I claim that's because I live with three other guys who don't clean it either. If they're not going to, why should I, right? I clean the bathroom unenthusiastically every now and then, and again make the claim - my roommates don't clean it at all. I like to think that will change when its just Katie and I, but even if it does, whose to say that what I consider clean is what she considers clean? She claims to not mind clutter, and that she won't tally up my faults against me, and I do believe her, but these essays are a still a little troubling.

There were two more specific parts that stood out in these essays, the first being the visit to Paul's family in "Excuse Me While I Explode." The writer gets extremely disgusted with Paul because he lets his mother clean. Katie and I recently visited my house, not for the first time, and there was one night where it was my turn to clean up after dinner and my mom offered to clean one especially messy pan. I agreed to this, thanking her, but Katie was frustrated that I had done so. Talking about this later I was glad that, first, we were talking about it, and second, that she thought if it had been her mom offering, she probably would have accepted. Though I would have accepted that offer too, so I'm not really sure what that says. I think that we do have different perspectives about what our responsibilities to other people are, but as long as we talk about this, I think that will be fine.

The second part that stood out was the role of money in relationships, especially when the woman was paying for the man. I've read stories from both a male and female perspective where one character is just in the relationship for the money, but what about the situation in "Crossing to Safety," where one is doing well, and the other is not, and feels guilty and resentful about that. I am going to be working after school, while Katie goes to grad school, so at least I won't be guilty of the financial ineptness that the last author detests. Is Katie going to end up feeling guilty about it? And what if I don't like my job, and it ends up feeling as if the only reason I have it is to pay for Katie's education? Right now I'm fine with that, since I don't have any ambitions that require money, but its theoretically possible I could end with some.

In general, each essay gave me the chance to think, "OK, I hope this one isn't about us," and I was able to respond to each, "Good. That's not us." Also, I'm guessing that once we start reading about kids, its not going to hit quite as close to home, since those are still off in the distant future.