Testing the Water

I agree with the previous blogs in that the theme for these women’s problems stem around poor communication. They seem to be able to communicate more freely with the anonymous reader than that of their live in partner. The one time that the author of Moving in. Moving Out. Moving On. tried to confront her partner, she ended up letting him win the same argument over and over; perhaps a testament to what she considered love? All of these women had some sort of preconceived notion about the proper way to go about relationships and how they should act once engaged in them via family members or acquaintances. Most of these women had goals; to be married or find the right man by _ age; not become like my mother, my parents. However, in pursuing these goals, each woman found herself in a living situation where her fantasy did not match her reality. They became more or less victims of their own imaginations, failing to notice until it was too late. I have to applaud each woman however, in that writing these essays each came to her own conclusion, her own epiphany about what worked for her, not what worked for the previous generation. This is a lesson that every person should take away. To be an individual means to find an individual answer. The collaboration of these four essays reveals similar experiences especially in the type of man each woman found herself living with. Each woman had a goal and in an attempt to put that goal on the fast track most found themselves miserable, thus perhaps a signal to those reading these essays that life is meant to be lived in, not raced through. I realize that some of these women were afraid due to their late ages, but Moving in. Moving Out. Moving On. says it best that she “will meet someone I want to marry who will also want to marry me” (44). That motivation of ‘want’ is key in every essay not just hers. The want however needs to communicate from both partners.
One suggestion that was briefly touched on in class was the perpetual normalcy of moving in first then getting married. Growing up I was always taught that one first gets married then moves in together. I still have this mind set thus I have come to the conclusion that communication was not the only problem surrounding these women’s situation. Along with marriage comes a certain motivation engraved in the contract/sanctity of marriage. When one marries one is forced to compromise, forced to talk with his or her partner, otherwise the relationship would never work. By moving in before marriage, I see the situation as a tool, a ‘testing the waters’ if you will. When difficulties in the relationship appear it becomes too easy to remove oneself from that situation by moving out. Although most of these authors spent quite a lot of time with their partner, I don’t feel that the situation would be the same if they were married. How many of these men, let alone women would commit to marriage? Would the possible looming of divorce make each couple work harder; would their decision to move in be less spur of the moment? These are just a few questions to consider. So the ultimate question becomes Would marriage change the way these women entered and handled their relationships?
I have seen all too well with my own family how bizarre live in boy/girl friend circumstances can be. Although none of these women were pregnant, that is how my cousin’s relationship was complicated. They chose not to get married, but to still live in the same house. Later when the child was born they couldn’t stand each other, the girlfriend moved out. The situation became more peculiar as even though they were separated she probably lived there more often than she would have had they been living together. At one point she had a permanent room in his house. Currently she has fully moved back in, yet they are still not married. This situation is kind of like Crossing to Safety. So to this woman there is still hope of making it after living apart for so long.

Moving In

I have to agree with David's post as I recently moved in with my boyfriend. It seems a very long way away from engagement but each of these essays still seemed incredibly relevant to my own situation. I also found myself asking my boyfriend through each essay is this us? Do we have an unbalanced share of monetary or emotional support? Does one of us cook more? Does one clean more? I found myself tallying up the scores in my head just as E.S. Maduro claimed to do. But I came to the same conclusion as David in that the first thing I did with my tally was brought it to my partner for both of us to equally inspect. Does he feel that he cleans more than I do? Did I repay him for the dinner we bought together last week? But by the end of the list we had come to an agreement. I'm ok with cooking dinner as long as he cleans afterwards and it doesn't matter if what I do is feminine and what he does is masculine as long as it remains fair. The thing that separates us from the couples in these essays is exactly what David said, the communication. As I plunge into this brand new experience of sharing space and home I hope that I can remember that communicating is the first step to solving most anything.

It was mentioned in class that the norm has changed from marriage before moving in to the opposite and how getting engaged before moving in can seem feminist in the sense that the female partner is gaining power from that relationship, rather than being exploited as some of the essay writers seemed to be from just living with someone. I've always viewed myself as a strong woman who will never fall into the pattern that the women in my family have, a marriage where they seem to serve rather than have a partnership. To think of taking the weaker path by moving in before getting a commitment really stretched my perspective. However, after thinking it over I think I am still in a stronger position having lived with my boyfriend before marriage in order to know him as well as possible. How could I make a commitment for the rest of my life without knowing exactly what I was committing to. Without that knowledge I would be being dishonest knowing that my commitment might fail. I'd much rather know. Hopefully I am not merely making excuses to ensure that my own relationship is healthy and fair, but I really feel that this will work and that the communication that I have learned from these essays will help make it so.

Reminded of My Own Relationship

I got engaged about a week ago, so the first four essays in The Bitch in the House seemed especially relevant, as they were about relatively new but serious relationships. I ended up trying to glean everything I could from the male's perspective in these essays, and one thing stood out the most: I think that the majority of these domestic problems would have been solved through communication. Not just better communication, but any communication, because there seemed to be nothing said between the characters about what the root of the problems were. It is as if the writers are willing to share these perspectives with their many readers, but didn't realize that it might have been remarkably useful to tell their partners first.

I can't avoid imagining my girlfriend (it still feels weird to say fiancee) having some of the same thoughts as the authors. I have never been especially neat. I don't make my bed, despite many years of my mother telling me to do so. I have big problems with clutter, but I consider that a step up from being merely messy and leaving food or used plates or other gross stuff around. I don't clean my kitchen very often, but I claim that's because I live with three other guys who don't clean it either. If they're not going to, why should I, right? I clean the bathroom unenthusiastically every now and then, and again make the claim - my roommates don't clean it at all. I like to think that will change when its just Katie and I, but even if it does, whose to say that what I consider clean is what she considers clean? She claims to not mind clutter, and that she won't tally up my faults against me, and I do believe her, but these essays are a still a little troubling.

There were two more specific parts that stood out in these essays, the first being the visit to Paul's family in "Excuse Me While I Explode." The writer gets extremely disgusted with Paul because he lets his mother clean. Katie and I recently visited my house, not for the first time, and there was one night where it was my turn to clean up after dinner and my mom offered to clean one especially messy pan. I agreed to this, thanking her, but Katie was frustrated that I had done so. Talking about this later I was glad that, first, we were talking about it, and second, that she thought if it had been her mom offering, she probably would have accepted. Though I would have accepted that offer too, so I'm not really sure what that says. I think that we do have different perspectives about what our responsibilities to other people are, but as long as we talk about this, I think that will be fine.

The second part that stood out was the role of money in relationships, especially when the woman was paying for the man. I've read stories from both a male and female perspective where one character is just in the relationship for the money, but what about the situation in "Crossing to Safety," where one is doing well, and the other is not, and feels guilty and resentful about that. I am going to be working after school, while Katie goes to grad school, so at least I won't be guilty of the financial ineptness that the last author detests. Is Katie going to end up feeling guilty about it? And what if I don't like my job, and it ends up feeling as if the only reason I have it is to pay for Katie's education? Right now I'm fine with that, since I don't have any ambitions that require money, but its theoretically possible I could end with some.

In general, each essay gave me the chance to think, "OK, I hope this one isn't about us," and I was able to respond to each, "Good. That's not us." Also, I'm guessing that once we start reading about kids, its not going to hit quite as close to home, since those are still off in the distant future.

The first post on our class blog

Welcome to our blog! We are a group of students and faculty in the English department at Carnegie Mellon University. Most of us are not parents, but we are reading and writing about the relationship between narrative and parenting this semester. We are learning feminist theory through reading concrete stories of how people arrange their familes, as well as thinking about how we would like the world to be set up for the maximum utopian happiness of everyone, including families.